Heart of Glass
by MadameCissy
Summary: They are two completely different people and she wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. They are both scarred by their pasts. When their feelings begin to interfere with their lives and their jobs, Amanda and Olivia must face what is happening between them. Olivia isn't ready but will her decision cost her the best thing she could ever have? Olivia/Amanda
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** They are two completely different people and she wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. They are both scarred by their pasts. When their feelings begin to interfere with their lives, Olivia and Amanda must face what is happening between them. Olivia isn't ready but will her decision cost her the best thing she could ever have?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own SVU or any of its characters. I just borrow them for my and your entertainment. I promise to put them back where I found them when I'm done.

**Pairing:** Olivia Benson/ Amanda Rollins.

**Rating:** T – for language.

**Author's note: **I used to write for SVU a long, long time ago but all those stories have since dissapeared from my profile. I've been a fan of the series since the beginning and after rewatching season thirteen over the last couple of days this idea came to me. I really like the idea of Olivia and Amanda together and although I have shipped Olivia with both Casey and Alex in the past (or any other female for that matter), I couldn't deny there was something going on between them. This story will contain a lot of angst and drama, which are two things I love to write but there will be plenty to smile about too. I'll try and make sure to get the Americanisms right but being a Brit I am sure to screw some stuff up somewhere. **  
**

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**Chapter 1**

_So I'll make sure to keep my distance_  
_Say "I love you" when you're not listening_  
_~Christina Perri - Distance**  
**_

Her first year in New York had changed her more than she could have imagined. Transferring to SVU had seemed like a good idea, an opportunity even, a way out of a place that was slowly suffocating her, but it had opened up some things Amanda Rollins didn't even know had been a part of her. The unfinished business back in Atlanta and her gambling addiction followed her here, settling into her new life almost unnoticed. They lurked in the shadows and she didn't even know they were there until they started sneaking up on her at moments when she didn't expect it until she could no longer deny that they were there, at her side.

She had been forced to face her demons on more than one occasion since moving to New York. They would find her when she sat in a bar, a lone bottle of beer her only friend, or when she lay in her bed at night, waiting for the hours on the clock to pass. But all things considered she was doing well. She was going to meetings and her addiction was under control. The unexpected flashbacks to what had happened in Atlanta had become less and less frequent. All in all Amanda had her demons under control but there was however one lingering demon that Amanda had not dared to face: Detective Olivia Benson.

She had read up on Olivia before coming to New York and she'd looked forward to meeting her. Olivia Benson was a little bit of a hero when it came to Sex Crimes and the amount of cases that she had solved was impressive. When Amanda first met Olivia she had been a bit cold and distant towards her, much to Amanda's disappointment, but as the weeks got on Olivia had warmed to Amanda and the other newbie in SVU, Nick Amaro. Now, little over a year later, they were a proper team.

Amanda was grateful for her partner Fin. He'd taken her under his wing when Olivia apparently rejected her and showed her the ropes. It was Fin she called when her bookie knocked her about and he was the first person she trusted enough to share her secret. He'd had her back when she spoke to Cragen and every now and again he'd check in to see if she was allright. He was the older brother she never had and he supported her through her counselling.

Unfortunately there was no counselling for her other problem. The big 'this-is-becoming-a-serious-issue' problem. She had fallen in love with Olivia Benson and this, this _was_ a problem. Because Olivia was straight – as far as Amanda knew- and she had never shown any interest in the blonde detective other than friendship. To make matters worse, her feelings didn't just start to cause issues in her work but it also started to influence her life and that _really_ was a problem.

It was a Wednesday night at the end of November and winter was beginning to tighten its grip on New York City. Amanda had gotten used to the cold last year and she had actually found it quite refreshing. Winter in New York was quite different from winter in Georgia but Amanda didn't mind. Some days she really clung to the fact that this place was nothing like the one where she'd come from.

The SVU squad were sitting in Malone's, a traditional Irish pub frequented by a lot of cops from the 1-6. The bartender knew almost all of them by name and those he didn't know yet he would soon. They had just wrapped up another case involving a teenage girl selling her body to older men. When they had tried to track down her pimp they'd been shocked to find that it was the girls' mother who was selling her. The woman would spend the next few years in Rikers and her daughter had been put into care.

They didn't speak about work when they were in here and they left the crap they saw every day at the door. Right now Amaro was giving an anecdote about his five year old and everyone laughed. In the echo of her friends' voice Amanda's throaty chuckle didn't sound as empty as she felt but her eyes were fixed on the grains cut into the wooden table surface. She swirled the content of her beer bottle around in her mouth before swallowing. There had been a time when the bitter aftertaste would have been enough to rearrange her thoughts but not anymore.

Olivia had been the last one to arrive and she'd effortlessly slipped into the only empty chair at the table, next to Amanda. She was halfway through her own beer and she looked relaxed, leaning back in her chair and her hand resting on Amanda's seat.

"Hey, you OK?"

Fin's voice snapped her out of her thoughts and Amanda looked up. He'd asked it quietly so as not to draw the attention from the others and he studied his partner's face, concern flickering in his eyes.

"Yeah," she answered. "Kinda got lost there."

"Seems to happen a lot lately. Everything allright?"

"Let it go, Fin."

He nodded in understanding and raised his hand to order another round of drinks. A silence had fallen around the group and for a while everyone was left to the company of their own thoughts.

Amanda dared to quickly glance at Olivia sitting beside her. The brunette's eyes had glazed over and she appeared to be miles away. Her fingers absentmindedly followed the shape of her beer bottle. Olivia had bound her hair back in a simple ponytail but a few strands had had managed to free themselves and framed her face. Once again Amanda was struck by the strong features of the older woman's face.

Amanda's eyes briefly dropped down to the other woman's neckline and her breath caught in the back of her throat, her mouth suddenly becoming dry. Olivia wore a white blouse and the colour complimented the olive colour of her skin and the sun kissed glow Olivia seemed to sport regardless of the time of year. The fine contrast of the golden pendants around her neck only added to it even more.

Fin put the full bottle of beer in front of her and Amanda shook her head. "I'll pass, thanks."

"Giving up already?" he grinned.

"Hush up," Amanda replied and smiled. "I just don't want to have a hangover in the morning."

"Well," Amaro said as he claimed Amanda's bottle as well as his own. "I do."

"You working with him tomorrow?" Munch asked Olivia as Amaro began to down his more.

Olivia laughed. "Not anymore."

Amanda slipped out of her seat and reached for her coat. She avoided making eye contact as she zipped it up. "I think I'm gonna call it a night."

"Partypooper," Munch said and Amaro nodded in agreement.

"Remind me of that when your head's pounding in the morning," the southern woman grinned. "I'm gonna go home and get some sleep."

"Someone waiting for you, Rollins?" Amaro teased.

Suddenly her blue eyes were blazing and the venom dripped from her words when she spoke. "Shut it, Amaro."

He shrugged. "Guess not."

"See you tomorrow," Amanda said and ignored Amaro as she made her way around the table. "Good night."

She walked across the pub to the front door and didn't immediately realise someone was following her until she heard them call for her.

"Hey Amanda, wait up!"

She turned around, one foot already out of the door and her eye on the street trying to spot a cab, when the sound of Olivia's voice reached her ears. The brunette was wrapping her scarf around her neck.

"I'll walk you out," she said.

"I think I know how to hail a cab, Olivia." Olivia blinked at the sudden sharpness and Amanda instantly regretted it. She averted her eyes. "Sorry."

"S'allright," Olivia said. They were now standing sidewalk and the bitter cold wind whipped around their faces, leaving their cheeks red and raw. Brown eyes searched and found blue. "You ok?"

"Fine," Amanda lied. Her stomach did one those horribly unexpected summersaults. "Why?"

"You just seemed a little off, that's all," Olivia answered. "Just wondered if the case got to you."

"No more than all the other shitty ones we see every day."

Olivia swallowed and the look in her eyes softened. "Some bother us more than others." The hint of sadness in her eyes didn't stay unnoticed. "They take us hostage if we let them."

Amanda chewed her lip. "Which ones bother you the most?"

"Always the kids."

"Yeah," Amanda sighed. She had to admit that the cases involving kids always tore at her heartstrings. The innocence of a child was something to be treasured and valued but somehow too many always ended up in the hands of monsters. "I guess it's the same for everyone." She glanced at the traffic racing past them. "Does it ever get easier?"

"No," Olivia admitted. "It doesn't and you don't ever get used to it either. I don't think you're supposed to."

Amanda sadly smiled. "I didn't think so."

Olivia studied the blonde detective's face. It hadn't taken her long to realise that Amanda Rollins was the type of person who kept her emotions to herself. She was a tough person to read and it was something that intrigued Olivia but at the same time it worried her. Keeping things bottled up, especially in their line of work, wasn't healthy and sooner or later it would find its way out. She had noticed Amanda's reaction to Amaro and she couldn't help but wonder what it was about.

"What was that with Amaro in there? You had a good go at him."

"He needs to keep his nose out of other people's business," Amanda groaned. "It didn't do him any good in his own life." She shook her head. "Just because his marriage fell apart and he isn't getting laid anymore doesn't mean it's allright to dig at others."

Olivia took a deep breath. "This job has ruined a lot of relationships."

"I think Amaro did a pretty good job on his own, to be honest."

Olivia looked at Amanda, not quite sure what to make of the sudden attack on their colleague. She thought about her answer for a little while before carefully phrasing her words. "Have you looked around the squad room recently? All of those guys are either divorced, on their second or third marriage or single because they struggle to keep a relationship going considering the nature of their job."

Amanda scoffed. "Wasn't it you that told me you still believe there are some good men left out there?"

"You just have to know where to look," Olivia smiled.

"Or want to look."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothin'. It's been a really long day and I just really like to go home," Amanda sighed and spotted the yellow cab coming towards her. She raised her hand to flag it down and it slowed, moving lanes to reach her.

"G'night," Olivia said softly and her hand briefly reached for Amanda's. Their fingers brushed against each other and Amanda could feel the heat flush her face. She pulled away from the older woman's hand, severing the contact, and climbed into the backseat of the taxi.

"Hey, do me a favour, will you?" Olivia asked as she went to close the door for Amanda.

"What?"

"Text me to let me know you got home safely, ok?"

"Sure," Amanda answered and then Olivia closed the door. Through the glass Amanda could see her face, its beautiful features illuminated by the yellow light from the streetlamp.

Olivia watched the taxi disappear in traffic, its red taillights soon disappearing in the dark, and contemplated hailing one for herself or going back inside. She looked down the street to see if another cab was coming but there wasn't one. The cold got the better off her and she turned on her heel and walked back into the pub.

Now that the brunette was out of sight Amanda let her head fall back against the headrest. It was only when she was alone that she could finally let her guard down. New York flashed by outside the cab window, its streets lively and its windows lit, but Amanda didn't pay attention. She was tired and all she really wanted was to go home, even though there was nothing waiting for her there.

It had been a year since she'd first walked into SVU, a year since she first saw Olivia. She hadn't fallen in love with her immediately. It wasn't the head-over-heels kind of thing. It probably hadn't even been something that had happened in the first few weeks but overtime something had changed. The feeling had gradually snuck up on her, settling in her chest like an old familiar friend.

The first time she noticed that her eyes were drawn to the older woman more and more she had silently chastised herself before brushing it off as meaningless but then she began to notice the sway in Olivia's hips when she walked, the way she used her hands when she talked and how she chewed on her pen whenever she was on the phone.

Suddenly she saw the curve along her waist and her eyes would trail up to Olivia's chest, lingering a little too long on the hint of cleavage she would show. After that she began to see the grace with which she held herself whilst also being strong and demanding respect from every person that shared the room with her. It was when she noticed the sun highlighting the golden undertones of her hair that Amanda knew she was way beyond saving. She had fallen for Olivia Benson and she'd fallen hard.

After paying the driver Amanda climbed the two flights of stairs to her apartment, preferring the exercise over the claustrophobic experience that was the elevator. She stuck the key in the lock and heaved a sigh in relief when it turned. The emptiness of her apartment greeted her and she closed the door behind her. Her hand padded along the wall for the light switch. The bulb came to life and exposed the layout of her home to her eyes. Even after a year she still hadn't properly moved in. About six or seven boxes still stood in the corner of the living room, waiting to be unpacked. She'd only gotten around to putting the curtains up last week.

It wasn't a bad little place. The kitchen had been refitted before she moved in and sported white units with silver handles and a wooden countertop. She'd set up a simple but nice solid wood round breakfast table with two matching chairs. From the kitchen the space extended into the living room, with wooden flooring throughout. She didn't own much furniture but what she had made for a cosy home. A corner couch in a delicate shade of cream with light blue pillows stood underneath one of the windows, a wooden sideboard that matched both the table and chairs in the kitchen as well as her TV unit occupied the opposite wall and a large plant that didn't need much water stood in the corner. The cream coloured curtains complimented her couch and a simple glass coffee table finished off the room. There boxes in the corner were full off pictures she had yet to put up.

There were two bedrooms, one relatively small one and a large one. The small one was where she kept her junk and boxes full of stuff she didn't think she was actually going to use. The door was permanently closed. The other was her bedroom and like the living room it had a view over the street. She didn't mind the road noise.

Amanda switched off the main light, leaving only a single light on in the kitchen, and walked through her apartment to her bedroom. She dug her cell phone out of her back pocket and typed a quick message to Olivia before hitting send. _Just got home. See you tomorrow. _

She stripped off her clothes and stepped into the bathroom. Showers were essential in this job. Amanda washed her hair and used her favourite shower gel. The water was warm and relaxed her muscles. She enjoyed the water pouring down on her head and she stayed in the cubicle for a good fifteen minutes before stepping out, wrapping a towel around herself and making her way back into the bedroom. She drew the curtains, switched on the light on the bedside table and took a clean pair of shorts and tank top from the drawer. Just as she pulled it over her head her cell phone vibrated and Olivia's name flashed across the screen, announcing a text message.

_Just got home too. See you tomorrow. Goodnight. _

Amanda picked up her phone and took into bed with her. She propped herself up against the pillow and her fingers hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before typing a reply. _Really needed a shower after today. Sorry about snapping at you earlier. Goodnight._

She waited for a reply but none came and she eventually fell asleep with her phone still in her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Wow, guys thanks for all the alerts and reviews so far. I wasn't expecting it to get this much attention and love but you guys have been awesome. Thanks for welcoming me into the SVU fandom and thanks for loving Olivia and Amanda. There will be a lot of drama and angst in this story but also plenty of hope. I am building up slowly – which I think it deserves. Enjoy the story guys, there is plenty more to come! ~Cissy

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**Chapter 2**

_Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself_  
_ Though I wanted to be brave, it never helped._  
_ 'Cause your trouble's like a flood raging through your veins_  
_ No amount of love's enough to end the pain  
~Bonnie Raitt - Wounded Heart  
_

Olivia was always early coming into work but since Amanda Rollins and Nick Amaro joined the SVU she found that she was hardly ever the first one to walk in to the precinct every morning. This morning was no different and when Olivia pushed open the doors her eyes immediately darted to Amanda's desk to find the blonde leaning over a small pile of paperwork, pen in hand. An empty wrapper from the deli around the corner had been discarded on the side of her desk and a Starbucks cup stood within hand's reach.

"Morning," Olivia said and Amanda's head snapped up. The second she laid eyes on Olivia she felt her stomach drop but she managed to smile.

"Morning."

Olivia glanced at her watch. It wasn't even 7.30. "You're early."

"Couldn't sleep," Amanda muttered and fixed her eyes back on her paperwork. "Thought I'd catch up before Cragen hauls my ass into the office."

Olivia slipped into her own chair, switched on her computer and looked down at the work she had left on her desk yesterday. As her computer warmed up she sipped from her coffee and looked back at Amanda. The younger woman appeared to be engrossed in her work, marking the required paperwork in all the correct places with a speed that surprised Olivia. It had taken her quite some time to get the hang of all the paperwork tied in with their cases but Amanda seemed to have made the most hated aspect of their job her own real quick.

Her face was a picture of concentration and Olivia remembered the previous night. The intrigue she felt towards this woman crept up on her again. Amanda Rollins was a mystery to her. She was a very private person. Since joining SVU she had barely shared anything about her personal life with anyone and apart from mentioning that something had happened to her on the job in Atlanta, Amanda had shared very little else. But Olivia saw something in her, something behind her eyes when the blonde thought no one was looking. The hurt lingered there, quietly and almost unnoticed.

The arrival of Nick Amaro could not be missed and Amanda looked up in irritation when his loud voice filled the squad room. She gave him a sideways glance, more to eye up the tray of cups in his hand than his actual face, and flashed a smile when he put a cup of what smelled like fruit tea in front of her. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin grey. Nick Amaro had the hangover from hell.

"What's this?" Olivia asked as she took the lid off the cup her partner gave her and inspected the content.

"An apology for the behaviour that will be associated with his hangover today," Amanda replied. Her comment wasn't supposed to sound snarky but the hint of disapproval reached Olivia's ears anyway and the brunette looked up. She didn't get a chance to reply because Amaro dumped the box of donuts on her desk and her stomach growled. She'd not had breakfast that morning and eagerly she reached into the box and took the chocolate covered donut nearest to her.

Munch and Fin walked into together, the former sporting a pair of dark sunglasses and a little quieter than usual. Fin just punched his shoulder as they made their way to their respective desks. Amanda followed her partner with her eyes until he sat down in his chair and folded his arms behind his head. When he caught her looking he smiled.

"You allright?"

She smirked. "Amaro brought coffee."

Fin suspiciously eyed up the cup that stood on his desk. "That bad, eh?"

"Glad he ain't my partner today."

"Amaro's not going to be anybody's partner today because he is two weeks behind on his paperwork," Cragen said. He'd only just walked in, still wearing his trench coat. He clutched a small piece of paper in his hand and glanced at Amaro. "Get a bottle of aspirin and get on with it. Cabot needs your stuff for arraignment tomorrow and you don't want her kicking your ass."

His eyes then found Olivia. "Call just came in at the front desk. Cleaning lady found the bodies of two women in their apartment in the Upper East Side. Signs of rape. Melinda and CSU are on their way but I want you to meet them there. Here's the address." Olivia stood up and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair and Cragen glanced around the squad room. "Take Rollins with you."

Amanda stood up too and reached for her coat. When Fin saw the look on her face he leant across the desks. She looked pale and tired, like she hadn't slept. "You sure you allright? I can cover if you like."

"I'm fine," she reassured him and flashed a tentative smile. "But thanks anyway." She turned to look at Olivia. She was dressed in simple black slacks that fitted her so well that it probably should be illegal and a purple shirt that hung low around her shoulders, revealing her beautiful neckline and her collar bones. Her brown hair fell down the sides of her face and as she walked past Amanda she caught a hint of her perfume. In her chest her heart race quickened and she scolded herself, swearing at herself furiously in her head.

"Morning rush hour," Amanda groaned as she and Olivia walked to the elevator. "You mind if I don't drive?"

Olivia shook her head. "No problem." Her brown eyes briefly met Amanda's baby blue. "You didn't have to apologise for last night, you know."

"I know," Amanda admitted and her fist collided with the elevator button. "I just felt bad, that's all."

"When was the last time you took vacation days?"

"Free time ain't exactly my best friend."

Olivia didn't answer and at that same moment the elevator doors slid open. They stepped in and Amanda was grateful for the uniformed officer that was in there with them because she really didn't want to be in here alone with Olivia. Or actually, she did want to be alone with her and that was the whole damn problem. She kept her eyes fixed on the floor but nearly jumped half a foot in the air when Olivia's hand accidently brushed against hers. The sudden movement made the older woman look at Amanda.

"You allright?"

"Why is everyone so concerned about my welfare this morning?" Amanda asked, trying to add a hint of humour to her voice. "Shouldn't we be worried about Amaro and his hangover while he's doing his paperwork? Cabot's going to skin him alive if he screws up."

"Probably," Olivia smiled and her soft brown eyes lingered on Amanda's face a little longer, taking in the blonde's appearance. Amanda was slender, mostly due to her fondness of her exercise. Olivia knew she was a keen runner. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail but a few strands fell down the sides of her face. She was wearing one of her favourite brown leather jackets with a fur collar and was dressed in figure hugging dark blue jeans, simple black boots and a white turtle neck shirt with long sleeves underneath the jacket.

The elevator doors opened again and they had reached the downstairs lobby. Olivia searched around in her pockets for her car keys and Amanda followed her out of the building and into the parking lot. The skies were grey and the weather forecast from this morning predicted rain. The wind was as cold as it had been the previous night and as Amanda huddled a little deeper into her jacket as she followed Olivia to her car. She climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up as Olivia started the engine.

It took them almost forty-five minutes to get to the Upper East Side and Olivia swore a few times as she tried to cut her way through the traffic. They eventually reached the address that had been hastily scribbled on the piece of paper and got out of the car. An ambulance, the coroner's van and two vehicles belonging to the CSU were parked outside. A uniformed officer stood outside the building, taken names of everyone entering a leaving and from behind the yellow police lines a large crowd of people looked on.

Olivia and Amanda checked in with the uni before walking into the building. Their crime scene was on the third floor and they were forced to take the stairs. When they reached their scene they found Melinda talking to one of the guys from CSU but she looked up when she recognised Olivia's voice and turned around.

"Good morning."

"Nice start of the day, Melinda. What have we got?" Olivia asked as she managed to slide her hands into a pair of gloves.

"Real messy one," Melinda said. "Blood's sprayed high up the bedroom ceiling."

"Wonderful," Amanda muttered and followed Olivia and the medical examiner onto the crime scene. The smell of blood almost immediately penetrated her nose. The scent of iron was so strong and overwhelming that Amanda needed a split second to adjust herself before continuing. As she walked across the apartment she noticed that nothing looked disturbed in the living room. The place breathed taste and money. The furniture was expensive, way beyond what Amanda herself could afford. An impressive bookcase drew her attention as she walked past it. A framed photo of two women, their arms wrapped around each other, stood in the middle of a shelf, a small candle on either side.

"Oh my God," Olivia breathed when she set foot into the bedroom and covered her mouth with her hand. The blood soaked sheets covered two apparently naked bodies, both face down, with their hair cut off and thrown around the room. Melinda hadn't been lying when she said the blood had sprayed up on the ceiling. It covered the walls and even the window. Pools of blood had formed on the floor.

"Shit." Amanda had appeared behind Olivia and glanced over the older woman's shoulder. "What the hell happened here?"

Olivia checked the little bit of information they had received on their journey here. "Cleaning lady came in early to do her work, expecting Rita Williams and her partner Sara Velasquez to be at work. When she got here she found the apartment unlocked. When she went inside and into the bedroom this is what she found." She looked back up and took in the scene in front of her for a second time. "Were they raped?"

"CSU found semen on the sheets and there are signs of bruising on both bodies," Melinda answered. "I'll be able to tell you more once I've done the autopsy."

"Let's talk to the cleaning lady," Olivia said and gently took Amanda's arm, leading her away from the scene. She didn't let go of her until they were standing in the living room and for a moment both women allowed themselves to dwell on what had happened between these walls. Two women had been brutally assaulted and killed in their own home, in their own bed. These days not even a person's own home could bring them the safety they deserved.

"What's the cleaning lady's name?" Amanda asked, breaking the silence between her and Olivia.

"Mary Jansen," Olivia said as she flipped through her information. "I think I saw her downstairs with the medics."

They left the apartment and made their way back down the flights of stairs. Amanda's lungs eagerly sucked in the cold fresh air when they stepped back outside but she couldn't get rid of the smell of blood that still lingered in her nose. She and Olivia walked over to the ambulance where Mary Jansen was being checked out by a medic. She was in her mid-thirties with dark red hair and pale skin. Her hands were shaking so badly that she could barely hold the cup of water she'd been given.

"Mary Jansen?" Olivia asked and the woman nodded. "I'm Detective Olivia Benson, this is Detective Amanda Rollins. Is it allright if we ask you a couple of questions?" The woman nodded again. "Can you tell us what time you arrived at the apartment?"

"It must have been around seven thirty. I'm normally earlier but my train got delayed," Mary answered. Her hand slipped into her pocket and she took out a key. "I have my own key but I always knock, just in case."

"Did you knock this morning?" Amanda asked.

"Yes. I know the girls don't mind if I come in unannounced but I respect their privacy, you know. So I knocked and then I used the key." Her voice trembled. "That's when I noticed the door wasn't locked."

"Is it normally locked?" Olivia inquired.

"When they are not home, yes."

""Ok," Olivia said kindly and shared one of her heart-warming smiles with the woman. "What can you tell us about Rita and Sara?"

"They're lovely people. Rita works on Wall Street and Sara's a lawyer for some big firm. She'd recently become a partner and Rita said they were going to go away to celebrate. You know, like a holiday," Mary said. "When they came back they wanted to try and start a family. Sara was talking about nothing else for the last couple of weeks. She was so excited."

Olivia scribbled something in her notebook. "Do you know if anyone would want to hurt them? Did you see or hear anything while you were?"

Mary shook her head. "I can't think of anyone. Everyone in the building loved them. Sara always offered legal advice to anyone who needed it. Helped a couple of people out. There's another gay couple living in this building. Nobody cared." She covered her face with her hands and the tears suddenly started streaming down her face. "When I saw what he did to them…" She swallowed. "So what if they were gay. It doesn't matter, right?"

"Right," Amanda said and put a hand on Mary's shoulder. "We'll find the person who did this, I promise." The determination in her voice made that Olivia gave her a sideways glance. She saw the anger flickering in Amanda's blue eyes. When Amanda pulled back her hand the two detectives turned around and started walking back towards Olivia's car.

"You think this is a hate crime?" Amanda asked as she reached the passenger side. She looked at Olivia over the roof of the car.

"Lesbian couple butchered in their beds, their hair cut and both raped?" Olivia asked. Her eyes darkened. "You bet your ass I think this is a hate crime."

They got in the car and Olivia reversed away from the crime scene before joining the traffic again.

They didn't talk much along the way and by the time they reached the precinct Amanda felt positively sick. The crime scene images still haunted her and the anger roared in the pit of her stomach. She felt almost personally violated by what she had seen today, like the crime had also been committed against her. Too many times had they dealt with cases where people were assaulted or even killed for being gay and she couldn't stand it. Every time it happened she wondered if one day she would be on the receiving end of it today and whether up to now she had just been lucky that she wasn't.

Amanda was comfortable with her sexuality. She didn't flaunt it because she didn't think there was a need to but she didn't hide it either. It hadn't cropped up in her time at SVU. No one asked, she didn't tell but she was gay. She'd known since she was a teenager and back in Atlanta she'd had a whole different kind of life but here in New York she had only ventured into a lesbian bar a handful of times. Since falling in love with Olivia she had become a more frequent visitor, hoping that the company of a one night stand could erase some of what she felt. All it did was make her feel worse in the morning.

They walked through the corridor back to the squad room when Amanda felt her stomach unexpectedly turn. She stopped in her tracks and Olivia turned around in surprise. Worry flashed through her eyes when she saw the suddenly pale colour of Amanda's skin. When she reached for the blonde detective's arm Amanda pushed her away and spun around on her heel.

She only reached the ladies room just in time and fell to her knees beside the bowl. Her stomach emptied itself with surprising ease but the sour taste of vomit made her feel positively awful. The feeling only increased when she heard the door open and recognised Olivia's voice.

"Amanda, are you allright?"

"Fine," she managed to bring out before heaving again.

Olivia pushed against the unlocked stall door and found Amanda on her knees beside the bowl. She carefully kneeled down beside her and placed her hand on the small of the younger woman's back. Amanda turned her head just enough for Olivia to meet her eyes. "You don't look fine to me, Amanda."

"Must have been a dodgy sandwich this morning," Amanda said, feeling suddenly exposed. "Remind me never to go there again."

Olivia didn't seem convinced and she remained on her knees beside the blonde detective for a few more minutes until she was sure that Amanda wasn't going to throw up again. All this time her hand rubbed Amanda's lower back and the touch was comforting. Amanda felt herself lean into it more and more but eventually she pushed herself back up and reached to flush the toilet. Olivia stood back up too. The stall was cramped and they stared at each other for a couple of seconds. The world around them momentarily faded into a blur as blue eyes found brown. Olivia's hand dropped away from Amanda's back but she could feel the blonde's warmth radiate against her own body.

"We should go back to work," Olivia muttered and averted her eyes. She felt the sudden blush creep onto her cheeks and pushed against the stall door. It gave away and she stepped outside. "Freshen up and I'll see you back in the squad room, ok?"

"Ok." Amanda faintly smiled and watched Olivia leave. The stall door closed and as soon as she heard the sound of Olivia's footsteps fade out she covered her face in her hands. This was getting out of hand and she had no idea what the hell she was going to do about it.

Amanda then stepped out of the toilet stall too, washed her hands and splashed some cold water in her face. She rinsed her mouth out but couldn't get rid of the horrible after taste. When she looked up and saw her own reflection in the mirror she reprimanded herself for being so weak. She would have to get through this one way or another. She was too good a detective to let something like this ruin things for her. She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans when she left the toilets and a minute or two later she walked into the squad room. Olivia sat behind her desk and followed the blonde with her eyes. Amanda glanced at her and smiled.

When she looked at the paperwork she'd left on her desk earlier that morning she never noticed that Olivia never looked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Thanks for all the reviews, folks! Watched the season 14 opening episode again last night and Amanda's "That could have been you that got shot!" was so telling.

* * *

**Chapter 3**

_So long, my luckless romance_  
_My back is turned on you_  
_Should've known you'd bring me heartache_  
_Almost lovers always do_  
_~A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover**  
**_

"Hey," Olivia said as she put down her phone and looked over to Amanda's desk. "Munch and Fin just picked up a guy who may know something about our case."

The blonde detective looked up. It was almost lunchtime and she and Olivia had been sitting in the squad room for several hours. Munch and Fin had been given the task of canvassing the neighbourhood while she and Olivia did background checks on their victims. They had just agreed to go and talk to Rita's employer on Wall Street when Olivia's phone vibrated.

"Anything good?" Amanda asked.

"He didn't say but they're on their way back now."

Amanda leant back in her chair and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. Over the last couple of hours Olivia had appeared behind her a few times, peering over her shoulder at some of the stuff she'd found on the computer. Both their victims were squeaky clean. They didn't even have as much as a parking ticket. They looked like two great people who had just been robbed of their lives. The close proximity of the brunette detective had sent Amanda's heart racing every single time and the hint of Olivia's perfume was driving her insane. She wished she could bang her head against her desk without looking like a complete moron.

The sound of high heels clicking on the lino floor betrayed the arrival of ADA Alexandra Cabot. She dropped her briefcase on the empty chair beside Olivia's desk and perched herself on the edge, folding her arms across her chest. "I heard you picked up another case."

"There's always another one," Olivia sighed and looked at Alex. "You here to pick up Amaro's paperwork?"

Alex nodded. "Where is he?"

"Getting coffee," Amanda answered and Alex looked over her shoulder to acknowledge the southern detective. "Pray to God he doesn't bring us any. The guy's got the worst taste in coffee I've ever seen."

"Shouldn't you be in court?" Olivia asked and she managed to bring Alex's attention back to herself. "I know the arraignment for the McDowell case is tomorrow but what about the Sylvester trial? I thought that was supposed to take all day?"

Alex suddenly seemed uncomfortable. "About that…"

Olivia's eyes darkened as she studied the blonde woman's face. "I don't like the sound of this, Alex."

"Can we talk somewhere else?" Alex said as she leant in slightly. She didn't want to have this conversation in this squad room knowing that what she was about to say wasn't just going to irritate Olivia but probably would irritate everyone else here as well. She could handle the detective as long as she was on her own but she wasn't sure she was willing to face the whole squad.

From where she was sitting Amanda watched the situation unfold. She'd noticed that Olivia and Alex were very comfortable around each other, with the blonde lawyer often sitting on the edge of Olivia's desk. She'd seem them together in the hallways at times and she knew they went way back but somehow something seemed different to her but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She watched the expression on Olivia's face change and the detective pushed her chair back with such speed that she startled the blonde ADA.

Olivia led Alex to one of the interrogation rooms and double checked before going inside. She closed the door behind her and turned to face the other woman. She had known Alexandra Cabot for a long time and she'd like to think that she knew her well. Out of everyone in SVU Olivia probably did know Alex best so when she saw the worried look in her blue eyes she knew something was wrong.

"Please don't tell me it's bad news," she said as she leant against the table in the middle of the room. The metal felt cold under her hands.

"Sylvester's defence attorney argued that the confession was unlawfully obtained," Alex said slowly and she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I tried, Olivia, but there was nothing I could do. The judge had the confession thrown out and without that…"

"There is very little left," Olivia sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. The anger got the better off her and her blazing brown eyes snapped up meet surprisingly cool blue. "How the hell did this happen, Alex!?"

"You tell me, Liv. I'm not the one who got the confession in the first place!" Alex argued with the intensity only a prosecutor could hold. "Maybe if Amaro did a better job…"

"No!" Olivia countered and pushed herself away from the table. She took two steps towards Alex but the blonde woman didn't show any sign of moving out of her way. "You don't have the right to tell us how to do our job, councillor. We give you all that we can get and then it's up to you to make it stick in court!"

Alex cocked her head and the sudden pink flush to her cheeks betrayed her anger even though she tried to stay calm. Years inside a courtroom had taught her how to control her emotions but there was something about facing an angry Olivia Benson that brought out the worst in Alex. "I can only make it stick if you give me something I can use!"

"How about when we give you something, you don't get it thrown out?" Olivia sneered. "There was _nothing _wrong with that interrogation, Alex. I was in there; I saw it with my own eyes. We got the confession on tape! Sylvester then asked for his lawyer and we backed off. Once that asshole got here we carried on but by then there was no talking to him anymore."

"You have no DNA, your victim only recognised him by his voice and now you've lost your confession. How do you expect me to make this work in a court room?" Alex raised her hands in defeat. "Unless you give me something else, Olivia, this guy's going to walk!"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Great! So the law lets another rapist back out on the streets." She started pacing the room, pushing her hand deeply into the pockets of her slacks. "I hope you're proud of yourself."

"How is this my fault?" Alex retaliated. The argument was bordering on becoming personal and leaving the professional aspect behind. "How is the fact that the confession you and Amaro obtained was thrown out of court my fault? I did what I could, Liv. There was nothing else I could have done."

"That's always it with you, isn't it?" Olivia said. Her voice was dangerously low and it alarmed the blonde prosecutor. Olivia's eyes were almost black with anger and she pinned Alex down with her stare. "Nothing is ever your fault."

"Is this still about the case or is there something else you wanna tell me?" Alex questioned. The sharpness in her voice was the same she used in court to grill a witness or suspect. She hardly ever used it outside the courtroom but this situation was quickly escalating out of control and she was desperately trying to fix it back. When the detective didn't respond Alex stepped forward and took the other woman's arm. "Olivia?"

"We had this, Alex. We had him and you've let him go." Olivia set her jaw and pulled her arm free from Alex's grip. "You explain that to Jamie Emmerson because I sure as hell won't be able to. And in case you need reminding, Jamie is the woman Michael Sylvester kidnapped and then raped and sodomized for almost _sixteen_ hours."

"If you want me to win a case then give me one that I can prosecute, not one I have to fix!" Alex sneered. She'd said those words before, many years ago, angering Olivia in a way she had not believed possible. But now Alex herself was angry and she knew the detective was being unfair.

"What happened to you?" Olivia asked as she searched the blonde woman's face for a hint of the ADA she had once known. "You've changed, Alex."

Alex stared the detective in the face, a sadness reflecting in her blue eyes. "I guess that makes two of us."

The door to the interrogation room opened unexpectedly and both women looked up, startled. Amanda stuck her head around the door and her eyes fixed on Olivia. She felt the tension in the room and the raised voices had been hard to miss, even from down the hall. "Fin and Munch are back. I think you wanna hear this."

Olivia shot Alex a final glance before turning on her heel and following Amanda. She left the door open in her wake and didn't look back to see Alex rest her head against the glass before collecting herself and leaving the interrogation room.

Amanda didn't ask Olivia what the argument with Alex Cabot had been about. Instead she focused on telling her what she'd learnt when Fin and Munch got back. "Apparently he's a real whack job, this guy."

"How come?"

"Find out for yourself," Amanda smiled and held the door open for Olivia to step into the room. The small conference room was across from the squad room. They didn't interview suspects in here but would occasionally bring witnesses or family members in here. The guy sitting at the table was skinny, with short cropped blonde hair and grey eyes. He was dressed in a checked shirt and a pair of simple black pants. From the open door Amanda could see the golden crucifix around his neck.

"Thomas Heath," Munch said as he pointed at the guy and then gestured at Olivia. She pulled up a chair and set down across from Munch. "Detective Benson."

Fin stepped out of the room and closed the door. He turned to Amanda. "Rather Benson in there than me."

She arched an eyebrow. "That bad?"

"He was quoting the Bible all the way here."

"I bet Munch loved that."

Fin shook his head. "I was ready to have them both thrown into lock up."

They walked back to their desks and just as she sat down Amanda noticed Alex leaving. The blonde ADA didn't look at her and left the squad room without looking back. Amanda hesitated for a moment before standing back up and walking round to Fin's desk. She leant against it and chewed her lip.

"Somethin' you wanna say, Rollins?" he asked.

"What's the deal with Benson and Cabot?" Amanda asked and Fin looked at her, not quite sure what she meant. "I heard them arguing a couple minutes ago and it seemed a little too personal, if you know what I mean."

"Something blow up in court?" Fin asked and Amanda nodded. She'd overheard more than she'd intended to.

"Sylvester confession got thrown out."

Fin cursed under his breath. "Shit happens. What were you saying about Benson and Cabot?"

She chose her words carefully and glanced back at the room where Olivia and Munch were talking to their new religious best friend. Then she looked back at Fin. "Something going on between those two? I mean, Olivia really crossed a line from what I heard."

"Call yourself a detective, Rollins?" Fin grinned. "Those two have some serious history."

Amanda's eyes widened. "History?"

"Liv and Cabot used to go out together before Cabot suddenly left New York a couple years ago. Messed Olivia up a bit," Fin said and the words only slowly sank in with Amanda. "Cut a long story short, Liv had moved by the time Cabot came back and I think they are both still accepting that."

"Liv's _gay_?" Amanda asked, keeping her voice low in case nobody else really knew. Her mind exploded.

Fin looked up to his partner. "That surprise you? Gees, what kind of a detective are you?!"

Amanda rubbed the back of her neck and her blue eyes were drawn back to the room Olivia was in. Her mind was buzzing with this sudden information and she tried desperately to rearrange her thoughts as well as control the insane racing of her heart. Now that she thought about it maybe she ought not to be surprised but at the same time there were plenty of reasons why she'd thought Olivia Benson wasn't gay. One of those reasons had been pretty obvious throughout recent weeks. She looked back at Fin.

"But I thought her and David Haden…"

He shook his head. "Yeah, _that_ surprised all of us."

Amanda pushed herself away from her partner's desk and slipped back into her own chair. She pulled her paperwork towards her and picked up her pen but she couldn't focus on work anynro. Her eyes were drawn back to Olivia every so often and she continued to look at the older woman behind the glass, realising only after several minutes had past that she had not written a single word. She tore her eyes away, tapped a few keys on her computer and pulled the information for their new friend.

"Did you and Munch do a background check on Heath?" she asked as she turned her screen around so Fin could see.

"Not yet. Figured we'd talk to him first. Why?"

"What was it that made you bring him in?"

"He lives in the same building as our victims and he said that they got what they deserved," Fin answered. "Started throwing all the God stuff at us. Nailed his ass there and then."

"Well, I think Thomas Heath has a few more things he can try and explain to us," Amanda said and recited the information she had found. "He seems to be part of the ex-gay movement." Just speaking the words out loud made her shudder.

"Are those the idiots that think you can pray away the gay?" Fin asked and Amanda nodded.

"Yep. Thomas Heath is part of a branch that operates here in New York called Children of the Light. Apparently they preach that a person can be cured from their homosexuality when they hand themselves over to God." Amanda couldn't mask the resentment in her voice. "If you ask me there should be a ban to stop these people from being allowed to mingle with the rest of the public. I can't believe they actually buy this crap."

"Thomas Heath just gave himself one hell of a motive," Fin said. "Go and bring him the good news."

She got up, crossed the squad room and softly knocked the door. She wasn't expecting it to swing open but it did and she looked straight into Olivia's eyes. Her mouth became dry but she forced herself to stay calm and stepped closer to the brunette detective. "I've got something that will liven things up a bit."

Olivia nodded and stepped aside to let Amanda in. Thomas Heath nervously eyed up the new arrival and Amanda circled the table, placing her hands on the backrest of one of the chairs. From where she stood her blue eyes pierced into his grey. "Saved any souls recently, Thomas?"

"Excuse me?" he stammered, caught off guard by her direct line of questioning.

"At your little club," Amanda pressed on and now his face betrayed that he knew what she was talking about. Behind her, Olivia leant against the window, her brown eyes fixed on Amanda's slender frame. The blonde detective pushed herself up from the chair she'd been leaning on and slowly started walking around the room. "That's what you do, isn't it Thomas? You try and save souls? Try and cure those who are so terribly sick?"

"Homosexuality is a sin," he said and placed his hands flat on the shiny surface of the table. "If they turn to face God then they will be saved. Their sins will be forgiven and they will live full and happy lives."

"So you think Rita and Sara were unhappy?" Amanda fired her question almost immediately. "Or is it you who is unhappy, Thomas? Unhappy with two women sharing a house together, sleeping in the same bed?" She now stood behind him and she leant in. "Did you knock on their door last night?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Is that part of your little practice too, hmm? What is they call it again, Detective Benson?" Amanda asked and looked up meet Olivia's eyes across the room. She recognised the anger. Something about all of this had touched a nerve. "Corrective rape, is that it? Force them to be with a man to change their minds?"

"NO!" he objected and turned towards Amanda. "That is not what we do."

Amanda cocked her head. "So you say. I want the names of all the people who come to your little gatherings and we're going to speak to every single one of them." She turned herself away from him. "You're free to go but if you as much as think about doing anything stupid, I'll haul your ass back in here so fast you'd think it was God's work, aight?"

She stalked out of the room and heard Olivia rush after her. The brunette caught up with Amanda and took her arm, forcing her to turn around. Amanda half and half expected to be told off but when she saw the softness in Olivia's eyes she knew she wasn't.

"Good work," Olivia smiled and her thumb briefly grazed along the inside of Amanda's wrist. The touch made both of them look down briefly before both sets of eyes snapped back up and found each other. Olivia's thumb slipped into the palm of Amanda's hand, ghosting across her warm skin, before she suddenly pulled away and swallowed hard. She averted her eyes and turned away.

Amanda stood forlorn for a moment, not quite sure about what had just happened, but then she carried on to her desk and slid into her chair. When she looked up she found sitting at her own desk and their eyes unexpectedly found each other. Amanda quickly smiled, masking the fact that she had looked up just to steal another glance, and Olivia returned the smile.

Olivia watched as Amanda continued working, typing something in on her computer before standing up and fetching the print out from across the room. Her eyes followed the blonde and she found her gaze dropping to the way her jeans clung to her slender frame, accenting her hips and her behind. She felt the heat rise in her cheeks as her eyes trailed up along Amanda's back, lingering a little longer on the vague shape of a bra shining through her white shirt, before journeying further upwards and coming to a rest on her blonde hair.

The last time she had looked at anyone like this across a squad room her whole life had changed and now it was happening again. She couldn't help it. She couldn't stop herself. Her eyes were constantly drawn to Amanda Rollins and the southern twang in her voice was music to Olivia's ears. Everything about Amanda was different from what normally attracted her.

_Attra__cted. _Olivia mentally cursed herself when the word sank in. She was attracted to Amanda. Without hesitation she got up out of her seat, walked out of the squad room and into the ladies toilet where she'd been earlier that day. She opened the tap and splashed the cold water in her face. This wasn't happening. She couldn't let this happen. She shouldn't.

That was it, she vowed to herself. She wasn't going to let it happen. Whatever it was that she felt, she was going to ignore it and it would go away. She wasn't going to do anything about it and eventually things would go back to how they used to be.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **So after watching episode 3 of season 14 this morning I changed this chapter a little bit. I decided to play on the choice Harris made to put Olivia and Amanda together. Although this story isn't really bound to the timeline of season 14, it is clearly set after Cragen's return so I have fast forwarded the times a bit and whereas the series stated they were only in July, I am in November. The beauty of fanfiction, right? All the reviews so far have been amazing and my poor little Rolivia heart exploded when I watched the episode. Do the writers actually want us to ship them because they are certainly trying!  
Also, the song mentioned here in the opening is a beautiful piece by the Eagles and I have associated it with Olivia for a long time. Although the song makes it out that the subject is male, the lyrics are so fitting for her. Go onto YouTube and check it out. It is worth a listen.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

_Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?_  
_Come down from your fences, open the gate_  
_It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you_  
_You better let somebody love you, before it's too late_  
_~ The Eagles - Desperado**  
**_

It was late and darkness had covered New York a few hours ago. Rain lashed violently against the SVU squad room windows. Most of the desks were abandoned and the detectives who occupied them had gone home. There were only a few people left and Amanda, Olivia and Amaro were three of them. The light on her desk was bright and started to hurt her eyes. Amanda rubbed her face a few times and glanced back at her computer screen. She'd promised herself she would go home if the preliminary ME's report had come in but it was getting later and later and her email inbox remained empty.

"Go home," Amaro said and she looked up.

"Why don't you go home?"

Amaro shrugged. "You look like you could use some sleep."

"Coming from the guy who's had a hangover all day? Nice."

She couldn't deny that it sounded tempting. She really did want to go home, even if it meant walking through the pouring rain to the nearest station, getting on the train soaking wet before having to walk to her apartment.

It had been an eventful day. The crime scene and the victims had startled her, leaving her angry and sad about life itself and about people's perception of sexuality. The incident between Olivia and Alex Cabot still bothered her and ever since Fin had told her that they used to be a couple she had started to view the brunette detective in a different light. To make matters worse Thomas Heath had managed to make her feel unworthy and dirty just for being who she was and to top it off Olivia had touched her hand in a way that could perhaps signal something beyond the feelings of friendship.

"Ok, I'm done with this mess," Amanda said and pushed her chair away from her desk. She said the words out loud and those around her automatically assumed that she meant the case but what she really meant was everything in general. She put her coat on, zipped it up, double checked she had her phone and turned to look at Amaro. "Goodnight."

Her eyes then found Olivia. The older woman was still scrolling through the pages of Thomas Heath's organisation and she'd barely spoken for the last few hours. Amanda cleared her throat. "Night, Liv."

"Night, Amanda."

Amanda strolled out of the squad room and reached the elevator. The doors slid open almost immediately and she stepped in. This time she was alone, apart from the confronting mirror that showed her tired reflection, and she watched the doors close. The elevator started its decent and a few minutes later she stood in the lobby. When she reached the main entrance doors she saw that the rain had only gotten worse and she zipped her jacket all the way up before stepping out onto the sidewalk.

The rain poured down onto her head and plastered her blonde hair across her face. The wind was cold and added with the rain she was freezing within seconds. She quickly started walking, knowing that the station was only half a block away, and resisted diving into the first available coffee bar she saw. She would have to leave sooner or later to go home and she might as well just get on with it. She huddled a little deeper into her coat and turned a corner.

Back inside Olivia had also packed up her desk and was putting on her coat. She'd left enough time between her and Amanda that she knew she wouldn't be running into her anywhere. She said goodnight to Amaro, turned off the light on her desk and made her way to the elevator. It came back up from the lobby before opening its doors and Olivia stepped in. As the doors closed she thought about what had happened today.

The argument with Alex had been unexpected and the thought still infuriated her. She couldn't believe they were about to lose the Sylvester case. It was an open and shut kind of thing. He'd confessed as soon as they'd brought him in, only to then recant and ask for a lawyer. It looked like they would have to set the predator lose and hope he didn't do to another woman what he'd done to his victim. But it wasn't just that part that had upset Olivia. It was the fact that the argument between her and Alex had become personal.

They used to go out together. In fact, it was a little bit more than just going out. She'd spent so much time at Alex's place that she might as well have moved in. Fact of the matter was that she hadn't and in the end that had proven to be a good thing. Their relationship knew a lot of ups and downs, and several breakups too, not in the least when Alex was placed in Witness Protection. But since her return they had picked up where they'd left off and Olivia had wondered if maybe finally her life had taken a turn for the better.

But Witness Protection changed Alex and the way she viewed the world. It also changed the way she thought and after a case involving a rape victim from Africa, she took a leave of absences to join the Prosecutor's Office of the International Criminal Court and went to the Congo to prosecute those who violated human rights. It had been the end of their relationship and Olivia's heart had broken when they said goodbye. She didn't know when Alex would be back in New York.

When she did, it threw Olivia's life upside down again. She'd moved on. She'd reorganised her life, filling the empty hole left behind by Alex but added to the loss of Elliot she'd realised that she hadn't moved on as much as she thought. She didn't want to be together with Alex anymore. That was the one thing that had changed. Alex's return coincided with Amanda's arrival at SVU but it had been David Haden who eventually filled up the emptiness in her life. At least, for as long as it lasted. It wasn't perfect but it was nice. It hadn't been what she wanted or what she was looking for but for as long as it lasted it had kept the loneliness at bay. And now it was back, stronger than ever before.

Olivia didn't like to think of herself as lonely. Other people didn't think of her as such. They saw a strong, devoted, intelligent and often stubborn detective who gave everything she had to the job she loved. She'd suffered her losses because of it and both the job and her life had left scars on her soul but she kept fighting through. But she couldn't deny that she was lonely. When she came home at night to an empty apartment, void of the sound of a child's laughter or the soft voice of a lover, she'd be reminded that there was one thing she hadn't been able to find; something to come home to at night.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. She'd thought about that many times. The reasons her relationships kept failing. The reason she and David had drifted apart. The reasons she and Alex had gone different ways or even the reasons why she and Casey Novak, who had perhaps come closest to being an actual partner since Alex left, never went beyond anything than casual lovers. She hadn't seen Casey in a while and they didn't sleep together anymore but Olivia knew that if she wanted to, the red haired ADA would be at her door within the hour. It was how their agreement worked. No questions asked.

The elevator doors slid open and Olivia realised she was standing in the lobby. She'd been so lost in her thoughts about her failed relationships that she hadn't even noticed. She heaved a sigh and stepped out of the elevator, crossed the lobby and walked out into the pouring rain. She looked down the street, knowing that Amanda would have had to go that way to catch the train home. Olivia pushed her hands into her pockets and slowly started making her way down herself, passing the coffee bar most cops used to top up their addiction, and glanced inside. A young couple occupied one of the tables near the window. The guy held the girls' hand and they seemed lost in each other's eyes. Olivia averted her eyes, a sad smile lingering on her lips and carried on.

She reached the subway station, descended down to the platform and glanced at the clock to see how long it would be for the next train. The thought of even having to spend five minutes down here now that she was soaking wet and cold was unappealing and she sank down on one of the wooden benches near the platform and cradled her head in her hand.

"Liv?"

She looked up at the sound of the familiar voice and found Amanda standing a few steps away from her, clutching a cup of what she assumed was coffee and a bagel. The blonde was drenched.

"Hey," Olivia answered tiredly. "I wasn't expecting to see you here. You left way before I did."

"I can't sleep on an empty stomach," Amanda answered and held up the bagel. "The coffee's just to stay warm while I wait for the train. I didn't know you take the subway."

"I don't usually but my car's being fixed and I actually like the luxury of not driving, other than the precinct cars that is," Olivia admitted. She had only recently started taking the subway into work. It saved her a lot of stress first thing in the morning and the trains ran all the way through the night.

In the distance the sound of the train approached and Olivia stood up. She cast one final glance at Amanda, who had dug her phone out of her pocket and was now checking a message that had come through. She typed a quick reply before looking back at the dark haired detective and smiled. "My sister. She sometimes texts to check up on me. Should really be the other way around."

"She still lives in Atlanta?" Olivia asked and at that same moment the train came rolling into the station. A quick glance told her that the carriage was almost completely empty and once the train had stopped her and Amanda got in and found a seat. They sat across each other, their knees only a couple of inches apart. The weak light in the train managed to highlight how tired they both were.

"She's had it rough," Amanda answered and her blue eyes reflected sadness. "She was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was a teenager. Life's been nothing but unkind to her since then."

Olivia nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Amanda brushed it off. "We all have our demons, right?"

"Right."

The rest of their journey was silent and it was Amanda who got up first after about twenty minutes. The train slowed as it rolled into another station and she looked at Olivia. "This is my stop." She left the words hanging in the air between them. She started for the door and turned around just before stepping onto the station.

"Do me a favour?" Olivia asked as she looked up.

Amanda grinned. "Wanna make sure I get home allright?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered. "Text me?"

"What are you, my mother?" Amanda joked and Olivia arched an eyebrow.

"Just do it, will you?"

"Sure," Amanda smiled and watched as the train doors closed and it started riding again. She stood on the platform as she watched Olivia disappear into the dark tunnel and then slowly turned around and started making her way up the stairs.

Olivia rested her head against the cold window and fumbled with her phone. She didn't ask Amanda to text her just to let her know she got home safe. She wanted her to text her because she knew that when she did, the blonde would think of her. Olivia typed in the code that unlocked the device and pressed the message app. Amanda's name was the one at the top and she smiled as she read the messages from the night before. There were only two but she read them again and again.

Suddenly her phone vibrated and she realised it was Amanda sending her a message. She opened it and smiled. _If it rains like this tomorrow, I ain't coming in. _

Olivia typed her reply and hit send almost immediately. _I'll bust our possible suspect's balls without you then. _

A couple more minutes went by and her phone didn't vibrate again. The next station was where she would be getting off and Olivia sat up, ready to leave the train. It slowed down as it came out of the tunnel and she looked through the window. The platform was pretty much abandoned. She left the train and quickly made her way up the steps to street level. The rain was pouring and she increased her pace, desperate to go home.

She eventually walked into her building, stuck the key in the lock and put the chain on the door as soon as she stepped into her apartment. She'd left a light on before leaving for work this morning and Olivia's eyes scanned the small space that was her apartment. She'd lived here for years and it really was her home. She shrugged herself out of her wet coat and left it on the radiator by the door before kicking off her shoes and unzipping her pants. In just her underwear and shirt she walked to her bathroom, switched on the shower and welcomed the hot water on her skin after she got undressed.

After she got out of the shower she found a pair of sweats and an old NYPD t-shirt and curled up on the couch before switching on the TV. It was only when she picked up her phone that she noticed Amanda had sent her another message. Olivia felt her heart flutter in her chest as she opened it.

_You wouldn't dare do it without me._

Olivia stared at the message for a little before putting her phone down. She couldn't let this happen again. She'd complicated her life and her job enough over the last few years by having relationships with Alex Cabot and David Haden as well as her fling with Casey. All of them had fallen apart or just bled to death. She couldn't go through that again. It wasn't worth the pain or the complications. She would have to find some other way to deal with her feelings for Amanda.

She heaved a sigh and picked up her phone again. Instead of sending a message to Amanda she found Cragen's number and dialled it. It rang a couple of times before he answered. He didn't seem surprised to find out it was her.

"Captain?" she asked. "There is something I need you to do for me."

"Do I want to know why?" Cragen asked. He knew Olivia well enough to understand that she didn't ask for help easily and that when she did, she meant it. He had seen her trying to self-destruct just after Elliot had left but he was glad that she'd turned herself around. "Olivia, what's going on?"

"While you were off, Harris moved things around a bit. Put me with Rollins and let Amaro work on his own." Olivia remembered the moment vividly. Ever since then she'd been forced to spend much more time with the blonde and somewhere deep down she envied Amaro for working alone. "I was wondering if you could you keep Rollins with Fin for a while, maybe put Amaro with Munch and let me be swingman?" She couldn't believe she was actually doing this but she couldn't think of anything else to do.

"You got a problem with Rollins?" Cragen asked. "Somethin' happen that I should know about?"

"No captain, nothing happened," Olivia sighed. "I…I just think it would be better, that's all. And to answer your other question, I don't think you want to know why. Consider it a favour."

"You do realise that you are going to have to give me a better explanation at some point, right?" he asked and Olivia sighed. "I wouldn't do this for anyone else, Liv. I know you and I know you don't usually come and ask for things. Effective tomorrow you'll be on your own unless the situation demands a partner. Rollins will be partnered with Fin and I'll let Munch and Amaro have a go at each other, at least for the time being."

"Thanks, captain." Olivia's grip on her phone loosened.

"I'll only allow this for a set amount of time, Olivia. A couple of weeks, maybe three, no more," Cragen warned her and Olivia suddenly dreaded what he was going to say next. "And you may not want to explain yourself to me right now, but you're going to have to explain yourself to Rollins."

She pulled her knees up to her chest. "I'll deal with that when it happens."

"As long as you're ready." Cragen paused, allowing her a moment to recant on what she had just asked but nothing came. "Goodnight, Olivia."

"Goodnight, captain." She threw her phone down beside her and covered her face with her hands. What she had just done didn't only feel unfair, it also felt wrong but she didn't know what else to do.

For the remainder of the evening Olivia sat on her couch, wrapped up in a blanket, and she listened to the rain lash against her living room window. She stared at her phone, wondering about texting Amanda, just to let the blonde know she was thinking of her and to know that Amanda thought of her but she didn't. In the end her eyes became heavy but she still didn't get up. She fell asleep on her couch, her phone still within reach.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: **Ya'll are awesome. Thanks for all the reviews. I know there is a lot of anticipation for this chapter and there are a few hints at how things will go down but the real stuff happens in the next chapter. I am planning for this to be a nice long story and there is so much still to come. Enjoy. ~Cissy

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_I've looked at love  
From both sides now  
From give and take, and still somehow  
It's love's illusions I recall  
I really don't know love at all  
~Joni Mitchel - Both Sides Now**  
**_

It was still raining the next morning when Olivia walked into the SVU squad room. She'd managed to stay relatively dry under her umbrella as she walked from the subway station to the precinct but she was happy to get out of her damp, cold coat. She dropped it over the back of her chair, dumped her bag on her desk and then turned around to find Amanda sitting at her desk. The sight of the blonde filled her with dread.

"Benson?" Cragen called her from his office and her head whipped around. "A word?"

Olivia heaved a sigh and walked into her captain's office, closing the door behind her. Through the blinds she saw Amanda look at the door, clearly puzzled about why Olivia had been called in first thing this morning. She turned away to face Cragen and she could tell from the look in his eyes that he was going to ask questions.

"Don't," she said. "If I didn't think I was doing this for all the right reasons, I wouldn't have asked."

"This got anything to do with that case you caught?" he inquired but Olivia shook her head. "I'm giving you a lot of leeway here, Liv. You can't expect people not to ask questions."

"I know," she admitted. She'd gone to Nick straight away when Harris had broken off their partnership and put her with Rollins. She wanted him to know the move hadn't been her idea only to find out that it had been his. It was why she didn't ask to be partnered with him again. It felt best to be on her own, at least for a little while.

"Fin and Rollins will take over the case from yesterday in the Upper East Side," Cragen said and when Olivia was about to object he shook his head. "It's a two person case, Liv. I can't let you work it on your own. You can help Cabot with her Sylvester trial. I heard things didn't turn out well."

"Yes, captain," Olivia muttered under her breath and started for the door. "You going to come out and tell everyone?"

"Rollins had coffee yet?"

"I saw a cup on her desk."

"That means it's safe to come out," Cragen smiled and followed Olivia out of the door.

During their short meeting the other three detectives had arrived too. Nick leant against his desk, sipping from his coffee. Amanda was still sitting in her chair but her feet rested on the desk and she had folded her hands behind her head. It was the most relaxed Olivia had seen her for days. Munch and Fin came walking over, each holding a steaming mug of SVU morning coffee made by whichever detective made it to the squad room first.

"Alright, before we get started there are a couple of things I need to tell you," Cragen said and several sets of eyes fixed on him. "My predecessor Captain Harris made a couple of changes around here and I've let them be for a while but I think it's time we shake things up a bit."

Amanda sat up with a jolt, her eyes flashing towards Olivia for a split second. "Captain?"

"Rollins, you'll be going back to your old partner," Cragen continued and Fin looked at Rollins in surprise. The blonde met his gaze and he couldn't tell whether she was excited or disappointed. Maybe a little bit of both. Cragen watched the silent interaction before looking at Amaro. "Nick, you're with Munch but only if the two of you promise to behave."

"Don't I always?" Munch asked, feigning innocence. Cragen merely rolled his eyes.

"Benson, you'll be wingman for the time being. Catch up on your open cases and depending on the call outs you'll attend scenes on your own. I know Cabot needs an extra set of hands to assist in both her trial cases so see what you can do to help her out," he finished. "Rollins, you and Fin carry on with the case you caught yesterday. Bring him up to speed." He paused, allowing time for the message to sink in before starting back for his office. "OK, folks, back to work."

Amanda looked at Fin now that the group dispersed. Something about this situation didn't sit right with her and she pushed herself out of her chair. He looked up when she perched herself on the side of his desk. "Is this normal around here?"

"What? Musical chairs in partners? Not really."

"I'm used to working with the same person day in day out, build up a relationship," Amanda said and glanced over her shoulder. Olivia sat at her desk, her back practically turned towards her. "What's Cragen playing at?"

"You and Amaro are still new to SVU. He's probably just tryin' to see which partners suit each other best," Fin said. "Wanna fill me in on yesterday's case?"

"Yeah," Amanda sighed as she slipped off his desk and walked round to her own. She grabbed the paperwork they'd collected and one glance at her computer screen finally told her something she'd been desperate to know. "Preliminary ME's report's in but…" she scrolled through the email and found the little note attached at the bottom. "Doctor Warner's says we'd appreciate it more if we came down ourselves."

Fin rolled his eyes, "I don't think I'll ever appreciate autopsy."

They both took their coats and Amanda grabbed her half empty coffee cup from her desk before leaving the squad room. She turned around in the door way to look at Olivia and found the older woman looking back at her. Their gazes locked unexpectedly and she felt that sickening feeling in her stomach rise up again. She wasn't sure whether to smile or not and managed a quick flash before turning away and catching up with Fin by the elevator.

Olivia waited until the blonde was out of her sight before getting up. Amaro and Munch were standing on the other side of the room discussing one of Amaro's cases. The pictures of the victim were plastered all over the board and Amaro had written up a timeline. He'd been working this case for the past three days but so far the end was nowhere in sight.

"This your idea, Olivia?" Nick asked when Olivia reached them. His dark eyes searched the female detective's face and she noticed the hint of worry in his voice. Reluctantly she met his gaze.

"Maybe," she said, leaving the answer somewhere in the middle. "Got a problem with that?"

"Don't bite my head off!" Amaro said and raised his hands in the air. "Everything allright?"

"Everything's just fine," Olivia said icily and glanced at the timeline on the board. "You might wanna talk to your suspect again."

"Why?" Amaro asked, also starting at the board.

Olivia pointed at a spot in the timeline and a piece of paper stuck not too far from it. "He says he was at home but look at the time on that receipt from a gas station in Queens." Her brown eyes found Amaro. "Tiny detail, Nick, and it might just put him at the scene after all." She managed a smile before walking away from him and Munch but paused in her step when she heard someone behind her.

"Don't give him such a hard time, Liv. He's been here a year and he's doing a good job," Munch said.

Olivia's eyes were suddenly blazing and she stared at the older detective. The anger in her voice was unmistakable. "If he did that good a job he would have noticed that discrepancy straight away. It's been up there for three days and all it took was for me to have one look to see that he was off." She shook her head. "Call that doing a good job?"

She didn't wait for his reply and turned on her heel.

~()~

Nobody liked to visit the ME's office and nobody liked standing in the autopsy room looking down at a victim covered with a sheet. Amanda had gotten used to seeing people in their most horrible moment, their time of death, and she had seen them at their most vulnerable, after being the victim of an assault, but there was another moment in a person's life where they were completely exposed and that was on an autopsy table, their chest stitched back together after being cut open and their insides explored. It was when she looked down at them that she saw that kind of vulnerability, their faces a mask so pure that it looked like they were sleeping. There was pretending in death. It was what it was.

She stood solemnly between the two tables that held the bodies of Rita Williams and Sara Velasquez. Now that their bodies had been cleaned from the blood, the amount of bruises across their face and arms was horrifying. It was only now that Amanda could see how their killer had butchered them, slitting their throats after he had raped them and chopped off their hair.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," Melinda Warner said as she walked back into the room. She was dressed in her usual blue scrubs. "Unfortunately I have another delivery waiting."

"One of ours?" Fin asked but Melinda shook her head.

"Suspected drug overdose." She reached the two tables. "Drugs had nothing to do with what happened to these two." She pointed at Rita William's throat. "Cause of death was exsanguination. For both of them."

Amanda's eyes narrowed. "For someone to kill two people by cutting their throat they must have had some strength. You can't kill two people at the same time that way so he must have subdued one of them some way."

Melinda pointed at Sara Velasquez's wrists. "See these bruises?" The deep purple colour stood out from the light skinned Latina's body. "I found some residue on there, most likely from duct tape. CSU will run an analysis to confirm it. Killer must have bound her wrists and ankles together whilst he assaulted her partner and killed her. I didn't find any residue on Rita's wrists or ankles."

"She was forced to watch while he raped and killed her lover," Amanda said softly and a cold shiver crept down her spine. She couldn't imagine the torment Sara Velasquez had to have felt to see the woman she loved being brutalised before her eyes. "Any signs of defensive wounds?"

"I found some DNA under Rita William's nails. Running it through the system but unless your perp's been arrested before it's not going to give us anything but she'd drawn blood so chances are that her attacker has some scratches somewhere on his body," Melinda said. "I found semen in and on the bodies so more DNA. Your guy wasn't worried about getting caught."

"If he wasn't worried about getting caught he wouldn't have left the scene," Fin said. "Can you tell us anything about the knife he used?"

"Standard issue kitchen knives, the type you can buy just about everywhere," Melinda answered.

"Time of death?" Amanda asked.

"The blood on the scene had started to dry up so it had been a fair few hours. Liver temperatures indicated that death occurred somewhere between one and five am in the morning," Melinda said. "The room was quite cool due to the air-conditioning but it wasn't enough to mess with the decomposition and cooling down off the bodies."

"Explains why they were in bed. They were probably asleep. They never saw it coming," Amanda said softly. In the pit of her stomach the anger roared. These women had been asleep in their own bed, in their own home, believing that they were safe and then suddenly this monster robbed them of everything they had held most dear. "Bastard must have come in, caught them by surprise, did what he did and then left."

Fin looked at the blonde detective. "One thing stands out though." Her blue eyes met his. "Cleaning lady said that she found the door unlocked. Killer must have had a key."

"Let's go have another word with that cleaning lady, see if she knows anyone else who may have a key to that apartment," Amanda said and smiled at Melinda in thanks. The medical examiner returned the smile and went about prepping the room for her next arrival. Fin and Amanda started for the door but bot before the blonde shared another piece of information. "Not to mention the super. They always have a set of spares, don't they? He can start by telling us where he was two nights ago."

They left the medical examiner's office and Amanda's lungs eagerly sucked in the fresh air once they stood outside. It was part of the job but she avoided the autopsies whenever she could. She wasn't keen on them, no one was, but something about being surrounded by death freaked her out. It was strange, considering the amount of death she saw on a daily basis, but to see it so bluntly exposed on a table, without secrets, bothered her. Everybody had secrets and she believed everybody was entitled to have them but once you were in a morgue, on a table, all your secrets were gone.

"Have you noticed that Olivia seems to be acting different lately?" she asked as she climbed into the passenger's seat of the car and slammed the door. Fin was about to start the engine and he looked at her.

"What you mean?"

"Does she seem off to you?"

"This is Liv we're talking about."

"And?"

"I don't know," Fin answered. "I guess I just haven't really noticed anything different about her."

He started the engine and drove the car into the New York morning traffic. It was even worse than the day before and Amanda found herself cursing and swearing at some of the maniac drivers. She glanced at Fin who looked strangely relaxed. "I thought New Yorkers didn't drive? The way I see it, most of them _shouldn't_ drive!"

He just smiled. "Welcome to New York. Big city, big attitudes."

For the remainder of the journey they discussed the case and the details found by Melinda. It took them a good half hour to get to the Upper East Side and when they reached the building where their victim had lived Amanda noticed the man walking around outside. She nudged Fin and pointed at him. "That's Thomas Heath."

"That idiot we brought in yesterday?"

"The very same."

Fin smirked. "Let's go and say good morning, shall we?"

They got out of the car and the slamming of the doors startled Thomas Heath. He looked over his shoulder and seemed to contemplate running away from them. Amanda saw the fight or flight emotion in his eyes and braced herself, ready to run, but her muscles relaxed when the man's shoulders dropped.

"I didn't do anything!" he exclaimed when the two detectives reached him.

"Didn't say you did," Fin asked. "You live in this building, right? What are you doing outside looking like you've lost your keys?"

"I don't think I can go back in there," he muttered. "After what happened, I mean."

Amanda's eyes narrowed. "Then where did you sleep last night?"

"Hotel around the corner."

She shook her head. "Nothing's changed in there. You're going to catch your death out here, it's nearly winter!" She glanced at Fin. "Do you know if the super or landlord's in today?"

"Not seen him for a few days," Heath answered. "I've been trying to call him but he isn't answering his cell."

"What's his name?" Fin wanted to know.

"Richard Wyatt," Thomas Heath answered. His hands were shaking and he looked like he was about to collapse any minute. Amanda wondered how long he had been pacing around outside of his own building. "He was supposed to come to our last meeting but he never showed. I got worried when I didn't see him in his office and I called him a few times. It went straight to voice mail."

"Meeting?" Amanda asked. "You mean he's in your little club too?"

Heath's eyes narrowed and he suddenly looked the blonde detective in the eye. The contempt dripped from his words. "You'd know all about being in the club, wouldn't you?" He spat in front of her feet but before Amanda could react, Fin had grabbed his collar and slammed him into the wall. He groaned as his face made contact with the brick but the detective wasn't letting go.

"You're going to come back inside and show us where his office is," Fin hissed in his ear before loosening his grip. "And if I hear you make one more remark like that to my partner, I'll have you thrown up into lock up overnight and you can experience Sodom and Gomorra for real."

Thomas Heath meekly nodded and Fin began pushing him up the steps leading to the building's main entrance door. Amanda followed them in and was pleasantly surprised by the warmth in the downstairs lobby. The elevator was still out of order but Thomas Heath turned left down into a corridor and stopped outside a freshly painted white door. Fin pinned him with an ice cold stare before banging on the door.

"Richard Wyatt, open up! NYPD!"

"I told you he's not here!" Thomas objected but Amanda grabbed his arm and pushed him back down the corridor. He pulled away from her grip as if burnt.

"Go back to your apartment and call us if you hear from him," she bit in his direction before arching an eyebrow. "And remember what I said yesterday. Do anything stupid and you'll experience something far worse than the wrath of God."

She walked back to Fin who was now on the phone to Cragen. "Cap, we have reason to believe that the super may have been involved in our murder. He hasn't been seen for a few days and our God fearing friend just told us that he's part of their little circle too. Office door is locked."

"_Do you smell gas?"_

"Sure do, captain."

"_Then go in. Couldn't risk a gas leak, could we?"_

Fin smiled and hung up before turning to Amanda. "If anyone asks, you smelt gas, allright?"

She didn't argue and stepped back. It only took one well construed kick for the door to open and they both drew their guns. Fin went in first and Amanda followed behind him. The space was small and untidy and it reeked of sour Chinese food. Once the room was cleared Amanda put her gun back in its holster and turned to Fin. "Well, this is going to be interesting."

He looked back at her and couldn't find an answer to give her back in return. The walls of the small office were plastered with handwritten Bible verses. Religious quotes had been written all over the walls in various colours and the room reminded him more of walking into a religious cult. An unnerving feeling settled into his chest as he reached for his phone again and dialled Cragen's number.

"Captain, I think you might wanna come down and see this."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **Danny Pino tweeted the lyrics at the start of this chapter a while back and Kelli Giddish jumped on the bandwagon saying it is her favourite album ever so since then it has been on repeat on my computer as well. I decided that The Boss' lyrics should make an appearance here. Consider it me declaring my love to Kelli. Also, hold on to your seats and your feels guys because shit is about to go down!

* * *

**Chapter 6**

_Well now, evrything dies, baby, that's a fact  
But maybe evrything that dies someday comes back  
~Bruce Springsteen - Atlantic City**  
**_

It early in the afternoon by the time Amanda and Fin, accompanied by Cragen, returned to the squad room. They had called in what they'd found in Richard Wyatt's little office space and CUS had searched the place for possible signs of evidence but so far nothing had turned up. They'd spoken to some of the other people living in the building but no one could remember seeing the guy and nobody had any idea where he could be.

"You get started," Amanda said to Fin when she caught Olivia stepping into the ladies room from the corner of her eye. "There is somethin' else I gotta do first."

"You sure you wanna do this?" he asked her when he realised she was about to follow the brunette detective.

"I reckon this whole partner switch thing was her idea. I wanna know why," Amanda said. She and Fin had spoken about the new situation on the way back to the station and all she could come up with was that Olivia had to have spoken to Cragen. She tried to get her captain to open up but he wasn't giving her anything so she decided to go straight to the source of her suspicions.

"Don't say I didn't warn ya," Fin said before walking into the squad room and Amanda hesitated for just a moment before pushing against the door leading to the women's toilets. As she walked in she heard one of them flush and she leant against she sink, waiting for Olivia to come back out. The stone felt cold underneath her warm hands and her heart was suddenly pounding in her chest. She remembered running into Olivia the night before in the subway station. Now that she thought about it she realised Olivia hadn't seemed that happy to see her and Amanda furrowed her brow. Had the other woman been trying to avoid her?

The door to the toilet stall opened and Olivia stepped out. It took her a couple of seconds to realise that she wasn't alone and when she discovered Amanda leaning against the sink her brown eyes widened. For a moment it looked like fear flashed across her face but then her detective mask slid back in place. "Hi."

"Hi," Amanda said and eyed the other woman up. Olivia was wearing jeans and a simple light blue sweater. The colour complimented her skin and her eyes. The gun strapped her hip and the badge stuck to her belt only added to the look and Amanda chewed her lip. "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Olivia said as she washed her hands. She kept her eyes firmly focused on the sink and the soapy water disappearing down the drain. The back of her throat became unexplainably dry and she felt the sudden rush of adrenaline in her blood. She reached for a paper towel and her breath hitched when Amanda gave her one. Their fingertips brushed against each other and the electric shock went through her like a lightning strike.

"Was this your idea?" Amanda asked and folded her arms across her chest. "The changing partners, thing." Her blue eyes searched the older woman's face. "Did you tell Cragen you wanted a new partner?"

Olivia's hands suddenly felt clammy. Cragen warned her that this would happen but she had not expected Amanda to find her alone and to corner her like this. She had expected her to do the same thing she had done with Nick, by making her way over quietly and asking the question. Amanda seemed to prefer a different approach; the type that left Olivia with her back against the wall and no way out.

"We talked about the system he had before Harris took over," Olivia admitted. "He asked me how things were going and I said that things were allright but that I preferred the idea of rotating partners." She peered at the blonde through her eyelashes and the hint of anger behind Amanda's eyes struck her. She had actually crossed a line and managed to hurt her. Almost immediately she felt guilty but she couldn't just openly admit that this had all been her doing.

"So he decided to change it back?" Amanda asked. "Took him long enough. He's been back since July and we've been working together for months." She cocked her head. "So what is it, Liv? You don't wanna work with me anymore?"

"Amanda," Olivia began, "It's not that…"

Amanda's eyes narrowed and she took a step towards the older woman. Her southern accent became sharper when she got angry and Olivia's ears pricked up at the suddenly sharp Georgian accent. "Is this about me walking in on your little domestic with Alex Cabot?"

"What?" Olivia stared at Amanda in surprise. She couldn't believe what she just heard. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know, I've worked alongside you for months and I let you have your secrets. We all have secrets, Liv!" Amanda said. "Like Nick said when all the stuff with Cragen cracked off, I knew about David Haden from the get go and none of us ever said a word about it. We knew it could compromise all of us and you did too!" The anger she'd kept bottled up inside of her for all this time started to reach the surface. She'd been hurt when she first realised Olivia was dating Haden but it hadn't changed the way she felt about her. If anything, it had probably made it worse. "You don't get to decide when people stop working together just because it suits you!"

"I thought you liked working with Fin?" Olivia asked. She was surprised at Amanda's sudden outburst. She'd seen her angry but this was beyond anything she'd seen from the blonde.

"I liked working with you too!" Amanda shook her head. She didn't know why the tears in her eyes were suddenly there but they were burning and it hurt like hell. She didn't know why she felt so betrayed but she did. She felt like Olivia had just picked her up and shoved her in a corner of the room. She was used to being a punching bag, in more ways than one, but this was different. This really hurt. "I know about you and Cabot. You really know how to screw things up, don't you?"

Olivia stared at the other woman. Seeing the tears in Amanda's eyes only added to the guilt she felt. She wanted to fix whatever it was that she had done wrong but she would have to admit that she had asked Cragen to split them up and she would have to explain why. She couldn't tell her why. "Amanda, there is nothing going on between me and Alex!"

"But there was," Amanda bit back. "Wasn't there?"

For a moment Olivia was lost for words. Fin and Munch knew about the history between her and Alex but she had not shared this with Amaro and Amanda, for various reasons. It felt like a slap in her face that Amanda knew. She reached for the sink in support and in her chest her heart suddenly ached. "How did you know?"

Amanda shook her head. "You just told me. You really have a thing for lawyers, don't you?" Anger flickered behind her eyes. "You slept with Novak too by any chance?"

Olivia's face betrayed her shock and she tried to answer but she couldn't find the words.

Amanda felt her heart ache in her chest when she realised that Olivia had indeed slept with the red haired prosecutor. Her hurt was all consuming and blazing blue eyes fixed Olivia on the spot. "Shit, Liv. Who haven't you slept with in ore DA's office?"

"This isn't about Alex or Casey or anyone else," Olivia tried. "Amanda, this is about me and the way I work, the way I like to work." Desperate brown eyes searched for blue but Amanda refused to look at her. Olivia didn't understand why she had gotten so angry, why she looked so hurt, but she wanted to make it right. "It's been a year and I still can't get used to not seeing Elliot. I see you and Nick and I am constantly reminded that things have changed."

"You know, you probably should be working on your own," Amanda said and the echo of tears in her voice was unmistakable. Baby blue eyes finally met Olivia's brown and she shook her head, one hand already on the door handle. "Because when we work together we need a partner we can trust."

She stormed out of the toilets and left Olivia standing by the sink. Olivia tightened her grip on the surface so she wouldn't lose her balance. The tears in her own eyes were a surprise and she reached up to brush a stray one from her cheek. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She had tried to distance herself from Amanda but all she had ended up doing was pushing the blonde detective away. A quiet sob escaped her and Olivia turned to face herself in the mirror.

"What have I done?"

Amanda walked back into the squad room seething. The emotions rushing through her were overwhelming and she had nowhere to go with them. She wanted to go to the gym on the precinct's upper floor and take her anger out on one of the punching bags up there but when she saw Fin standing by her desk she knew she was going to have to change her plans.

"What's up?" she asked when she reached him and prayed that she sounded normal.

"Cap wants us to go back to the building and stake out for Richard Wyatt," Fin said.

Amanda rolled her eyes and glanced at Cragen's office. "Why didn't he say that when we were still actually _at_ the building?"

"Munch found something while we were out," Fin said and Amanda gave him a sideways glance. "I know he's with Amaro but he couldn't help himself." He pushed a piece of paper in Amanda's hand. "Our little friend Richard Wyatt has a rap sheet."

Amanda's eyes darted over the information. "Assault and battery, served eighteen months back in 2007." She looked back up. "Who was his victim?"

"A guy he saw outside a gay bar in the Village. Beat him up so bad that the guy's walking with a stick for the rest of his life," Fin answered. "Been picked up a few times for trespassing too, got off with a community sentence every time. All arrests were made while he was demonstrating outside of gay bars, fertility clinics offering treatment to gay and lesbian couples and during Gay Pride."

Amanda put the paper down and rubbed her temples. "Man, his hatred runs deep."

Fin searched his partner's face. The faint track of tears across her cheeks alarmed him and he put a hand on her arm. "You allright?"

"Fantastic," Amanda quickly answered. "Is this stakeout gonna last all night?"

"Captain says he'll get an unmarked car to take over at seven," Fin answered. "You got other plans?"

At that same moment Olivia walked back into the squad room and she froze when she saw Amanda. The blonde looked up when she heard Olivia come in and her face contorted into a mask of hurt. The older woman silently made her way to her desk and Amanda looked back at Fin and set her jaw. "No. I have nowhere better to be. Let's go."

She went ahead and didn't look back at Olivia as she passed her desk. Fin caught up with her by the elevator. "Somethin' happen between you and Benson?"

The corners of Amanda's mouth twitched but she didn't quite smile. "I just told her what I thought about the way she handled things." She chewed her lip. "We're good."

It was a lie. She didn't feel good at all. In fact, she felt like absolute hell. She didn't know where her anger had come from but she didn't really regret what she had said. What she did regret was not explaining to Olivia why she had lost control but she knew she couldn't tell the other woman how she felt. How was Olivia going to react if she learnt that Amanda was in love with her? That sickening kind of I-cannot-look-at-you in love? The kind that bothered her late at night when she could sleep, the kind that haunted her whenever she set foot in a bar searching for company? She'd rather be lonely than face Olivia Benson's eyes when she told her how she really felt.

Besides, now that she knew about Alex Cabot she finally understood why Olivia always seemed so relaxed when the blonde prosecutor was around. She knew Alex better than anyone and Amanda wasn't sure she would ever look at Alex the same way again now that she knew that Alex had once been part of Olivia's in a way that Amanda herself wanted to be. How could she have been so stupid to let Olivia go? What idiot would do such a thing?

She and Fin drove back to the apartment building and did a quick scan of their surroundings. CSU had left the office relatively tidy and hardly anything hinted that they had even been here. Fin had parked the car right in front of the building and rolled down the car window a little to let in some fresh air. The radio was playing some dance tune and it took Amanda a few seconds to realise that what she was hearing was Rihanna's 'We found love in a hopeless place.' She groaned at the irony.

"Can I ask you something?" she finally said and Fin looked at her. "What happened to Liv's partner? I mean, I've heard the rumours and stuff but I never actually listened to any of them. She still struggling?"

"Liv and Elliot were together for a long time," Fin said. "He was a good cop, had a few issues but he was good police. Elliot got Olivia through some rough patches and vice versa."

"Did they ever go further?" Amanda asked softly. She didn't know where the question had come from but it just slipped out. When Fin glared at her she laughed and shrugged. "Hey, people talk. Don't shoot!"

"Elliot's marriage was far from perfect but he and Olivia never crossed the line. I think they were each other's best friend, brother and sister," Fin said. He seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about his colleague. "I don't think Liv ever found another relationship like the one she had with Elliot. Apart from Alex, obviously. I think we all thought that it had finally happened. Alex Cabot finally managed to tame the wild horse that was Olivia Benson."

"And then she left." Amanda shook her head.

"Yes," Fin answered. "And then she left."

~()~

"Hey Liv, John and I are getting a drink after work. You up for it?" Amaro asked as he walked over to Olivia's desk. She'd kept to herself for most of the day and he noticed that she'd done her best to keep herself out of any form of conversation. The sense that something was wrong got the better of him and he leant against the female detective's desk. "John says he's buying."

"In that case I'm in," Olivia smiled but Amaro didn't miss the tired look in her eyes. "You heard of Fin yet?"

"Wyatt's a no show. Nightshift's taken over," Munch said as he put on his coat. "They're on their way back."

"They coming too?" She tried to sound neutral but she wasn't sure she was ready to sit in a bar with Amanda and pretend that nothing happened. She knew she couldn't pull out if Amaro said that the others were going to join them without raising suspicion and she silently accepted her fate.

"Yeah, they said they'd meet us there," Amaro answered and picked his own coat up from his chair.

With a sigh Olivia switched off her computer and took her coat. She slipped her phone in her pocket after glancing at the screen for what felt like the thousandth time. She had hoped Amanda would have texted, even if it was just to carry on her angry rant, but the only text she'd got was from Alex to let her know that the arraignment had gone as she had hoped. Olivia hadn't replied.

She walked out with Munch and Amaro and the three of them waited for the elevator. Munch and Amaro were talking amongst themselves and Olivia pretended to listen, smiling at all the right moments. When the finally made it down into the lobby and out of the building she was almost glad to feel the cold wind in her hair. It erased some of the tension and anxiety that she felt.

They walked into Malone's and found their favourite table in the back of the bar. Olivia slipped into her seat and watched as Amaro and Munch ordered a round of drinks at the bar. Her heart pounded in the back of her throat when she looked up to the door and found Fin and Amanda walking into the bar. The two detectives made their way over to the table and Olivia and Amanda looked at each other without speaking before Amanda slipped into a seat across from Olivia, fixing her gaze on the table.

Amanda drank her beer with such large gulps that she had finished her bottle well before anyone else. The bitter after taste left her longing for more. All she wanted was to get rid of this horrible feeling. She needed something stronger than beer. Something that would change all of this. She slammed her empty bottle back on the table, drawing the attention from the men.

"Wow, someone's in the mood tonight," Amaro joked.

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "I bet I can hold my booze better than you, Amaro."

"Is that a challenge?" he asked, leaning across the table.

"Don't do this, Nick," Munch warned him and put a hand on his new partner's arm. "You've seen Rollins and her tequila. She can drink a sailor under the table and still walk out of here clear as day."

Amanda pursed her lips. "You're on, Amaro. First round's on me."

She slipped out of her seat and walked to the bar. As she did so she felt eyes burning in her back and when she looked over her shoulder she found Olivia staring at her. The older woman hadn't spoken a word to her since they got here but the look in her eyes said more than a thousand words. Amanda looked back at the bar and the bartender took her order. He filled up the two shot glasses with tequila, gave her some salt and a lemon and she went back to the table. She put the shot down in front of Amaro and smirked.

"Ready, pretty boy?"

"You're going to regret this, Rollins."

She sprinkled some salt on her hand, licked it and picked up her shot. She downed it in one go and then put the slice of lemon in her mouth. She barely flinched and grinned. "Not as much as you will."

Amaro finished off his own shot before getting up to walk to the bar and order another round. When he made his way back to the table he barely got a chance to sit down before Amanda snatched hers away from him and finished it off within seconds. The alcohol started to seep into her blood and she felt it buzzing in her head. The back of her throat was on fire and she tasted the salt on her lips and the lemon on her tongue. The sudden rush of adrenaline was intoxicating.

"Hang on," she grinned as she slid out of her chair. "Gotta go and pee and then we'll settle this once and for all, Amaro."

She made her way to the back of the bar, opened the door and locked herself in one of the stalls. She felt a little light headed but nothing that she couldn't handle. She was known for her ability to handle her alcohol well and back in Atlanta she had managed to outdrink most of her male colleagues on numerous occasions. But it was also on one of those occasions that things had gone wrong. What happened that night was one of the reasons she had left the city.

When she came back out of the toilet Amanda found she wasn't alone. Olivia leant against the wall and her brown eyes had darkened. Slowly she walked towards the blonde detective. "What's going on, Amanda?"

"What's it to you?" Amanda challenged. "I can't have a little fun?"

"A drinking contest with Amaro?" Olivia questioned. "That's your idea of fun?"

"Not exactly but it's the closest thing to it."

Olivia's eyes narrowed. "I was hoping you could tell me what happened this morning."

"Really? You need me to spell it out for you?" Amanda snorted. "I asked you why you didn't want to work with me anymore and if I remember correctly you didn't give me a reason so I can only guess you were just being an ass."

She couldn't help it. The alcohol in her blood and the fact that Olivia stood so close to her brought all the emotions out of her. She wanted the older woman to know how she felt but at the same time she couldn't face it. She didn't want to think about the rejection that would surely follow. She had vowed to herself that she wasn't going to let this get to her and if it meant getting angry to hide how she really felt then that was what she would do.

"Amanda…" Olivia reached for the blonde's arm.

"No." Amanda caught Olivia's hand in mid-air and pushed it back beside the older woman's body. It was unexpected and it sent Olivia backwards until she collided with the sink. Amanda was right in front of her now. She was so close that Olivia could smell the mixture of lemon and tequila on her breath. Through heavy lidded eyes she looked at the blonde woman's face and saw the sudden spark of desire flicker behind her blue eyes.

Then suddenly Amanda's lips were on hers and Olivia could taste her. Almost immediately her fingers slipped into Amanda's blonde hair and she pulled her deeper into the kiss. Amanda's arms snaked around Olivia's waist, sliding down to her hips, pressing her tighter against her body. The tip f her tongue pressed teasingly against Olivia's lower lip and she moaned softly in satisfaction when the older woman let her in.

Amanda's slender fingers found the hem of Olivia's shirt and slowly freed it from her jeans. Soft fingertips grazed across her taunt stomach and Olivia's muscles involuntarily tightened when she felt Amanda's skin against her own. Her hands slipped down from the younger woman's hair to the base of her neck before travelling further down her back, eventually sliding underneath her shirt. Amanda's skin was soft and warm under her hands.

It was over way too soon. Sense and reason overruled desire and lust. Olivia gently placed her hands against Amanda's shoulders and softly pushed her away. Although every fibre of her being wanted so desperately to hold on to her, something deep inside told her that she had to end this. She slowly opened her eyes and found intense blue orbs looking back at her. Amanda's cheeks were flushed. The heat radiated of her skin.

"We shouldn't do this," Olivia whispered and took a step away from the blonde. "We shouldn't…"

"Don't do this," Amanda said softly and shook her head. "Please, Liv, please don't say it."

Olivia's eyes suddenly swam with tears. "I have to."

Amanda swallowed hard and before the older woman could speak again she had opened the door and stormed out of the toilets. Olivia ran after her but by the time she reached the table where the other detectives still sat, Amanda was gone. She hadn't even taken her coat and outside the heavens had opened. Rain was once again lashing New York City.

Olivia slumped down in her chair as she realisation of what had happened began to sank in. She ignored the guys' questioning stares and picked up Amanda's coat, folding it in her lap. The vague hint of Amanda's perfume prickled her nose and it only added to her turmoil. She had pushed her away once again and this time Amanda had really run off, out into the pouring rain. She had vanished into the night.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: **You guys have no idea how awesome ya'll are. The amount of reviews I've been getting is amazing. I appreciate all the kind words you leave for me and I smile everytime I open my inbox. This story will be carrying on for quite some time and things will most defintely not be resolved over night. I am all excited for next week's episode and throughout the night I've been watching Kelli Giddish in Chase as well. I will most likely be creating some form of theatrical trailer for this story at some point , if I can find the time. Anyway, enjoy this chapter and hold on to your seats - again- because this ride has only just begun!

* * *

**Chapter 7**

_But I'm standing still, I'm standing still_  
_ As you leave me now_  
_ I'm standing still, I'm standing still_  
_ As you're walking out_  
_ I'm just standing still_  
_~Roman Lob - Standing Still**  
**_

She hadn't slept all night and Olivia felt like absolute hell the next morning when she walked into the squad room. Her heart was pounding in her chest and it felt as if her legs were made out of stone. She had a headache and felt sick. The bright lights in the squad room made her shield her eyes when she walked in and she flinched at the cacophony of noise.

"Holy mother of Mary," Amaro commented when he watched the brunette detective stumble across the squad room. "Did you sleep under an overpass or something?"

"Shut up, Amaro, or I swear to God I'll shoot you," Olivia groaned.

She didn't want to be here. She wanted to be anywhere but here. She had stared at her alarm clock all night, watching the numbers change. Eventually she'd gotten up around five and gone for an early morning run but she only felt worse when she got home. She dreaded facing Amanda. She didn't even know if she could physically manage seeing her this morning. Since walking in she had avoided looking at the desk where Amanda normally sat but she could only keep her back turned for so long. Slowly she turned and she gasped softly for air.

Amanda was talking animatedly to Fin, a little smile playing around her lips. She looked bright and relatively well rested but the one thing she didn't do was look at Olivia. She was leaning slightly across her desk and shared whatever she had to say with Fin. Dressed in a burgundy coloured long sleeved sweater and her favourite pair of jeans, Amanda looked as in control as she always did.

"Where do we stand on our open cases, folks?" Cragen emerged from his office and the team looked up.

Amaro grabbed a file from his desk. "Checked out our suspects' alibi again. It doesn't add up. Going to bring him in as soon as possible and grill him some more." He glanced at Olivia. "Thanks to Liv for pointing out the error that may very well lead to this case being closed sooner than we thought."

"Rollins?" Cragen asked and the blonde detective looked up.

"Overnight stakeout brought in nothing new. Wherever Richard Wyatt is, he ain't gonna come back to that apartment building anytime soon," Amanda said. "I did some digging into that ex-gay movement and found a few more members with dodgy backgrounds. Also, we had a phone call this morning from Sara Velasquez' mother. Apparently someone dropped off some hate mail at her house in the days before the killings. Fin and I will be heading over to Queens to pick it up later."

"You and Fin deal with the mother. Benson can dig a little deeper into that ex-gay movement," Cragen said. "While you're out, check in on Thomas Heath again. See if any of his little friends know something. I think they're meeting this afternoon."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Don't these people ever work?"

"God provides for them," Fin joked and the blonde chuckled.

She went about clearing her desk in preparation for her journey into Queens but she unexpectedly looked up and found Olivia staring at her. The dark rings around the detective's eyes told the silent story of a tormented night and Amanda swallowed. Her night had been no better than Olivia's by the looks of it but she'd be damned if she'd let what happened between them interfere with her job. She flashed a smile and grabbed her empty coffee cup from her desk.

"Can we talk?" Olivia had suddenly appeared behind her, effectively trapping Amanda between her body and her desk. Brown eyes locked with blue. "Amanda, can we talk?"

"Not now," Amanda said hastily. "I've got to get to Queens." She arched an eyebrow, forcing herself to remain strong. Her face didn't hint at any form of hurt. "Maybe later."

She managed to push her way past the older woman, her body tingling as they made contact, and left the squad room. Olivia turned around, ready to call her back, but Amanda had disappeared. Fin however still sat at his desk and he had watched their interaction. Slowly he pushed himself out his seat, rounded his desk and eventually reached Olivia.

"What the hell happened last night?" he asked.

Olivia swallowed and briefly looked at him. "That's what I'm trying to find out."

Fin took in Olivia's tired demeanour. He had seen her this fragile and broken twice before. Once when she'd first found out that Elliot had resigned from the force and the other time she had believed that Alex was dead. He wasn't sure he would ever forget the look in her eyes when she left Cragen's office or how she had stared at Alex's picture printed across the newspaper's front page. He had never thought he'd see it again but it was here now, right in front of him. Olivia was hurting. "Sure looked like something cracked off last night."

"Nothing that can't be fixed," Olivia said. She lied. She wasn't sure if any of this could be fixed. She didn't even know what _this_ was, let alone if it could be fixed. How could you fix something that you knew was broken but if you admitted it then it would become too real?

She turned to look at the other detective. She didn't have a choice. She couldn't let this carry on for the rest of the day. Amanda deserved better. They both did. "Can you hold on for a sec?"

"You gonna talk to her?" Fin asked.

Olivia sighed. "I'm gonna try."

She walked out of the squad room and as soon as she came into the corridor she saw Amanda standing by the elevator. The blonde chose that moment to look up and found Olivia looking back at her. She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans and slowly started making her way back towards her. Olivia waited until Amanda reached her.

"About last night…"

"You really want to do this here?" Amanda asked and gestured around the hallway. "Where everyone can hear us? You _really_ want to do this here, Olivia?"

"Fine. Have it your way," Olivia snapped and took Amanda's arm. She pushed the other detective towards the interrogation rooms and once they were out of hearing range she let go of her. Blazing brown eyes found blue and she shook her head. There were so many things she wanted to say but only one thing came out. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I think I made that pretty clear last night, don't you think?" Amanda replied and the dark haired detective blinked. Amanda didn't know where she found the strength to speak or how she even managed to stay calm. Inside it felt like a tornado was trying to destroy her but from the outside she looked collected and reserved. "I wasn't drunk, Liv. I knew what I was doing."

"You kissed me," Olivia said slowly. "Why?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. Her southern drawl was stronger than Olivia ever remembered it being. "You need me to spell it out for ya, Detective Benson?"

"Amanda, whatever this is, we can't let this influence us at work!" Olivia cut her off. She almost instantly regretted those words the second they left her mouth. Saying those words undermined everything Amanda had just said. Maybe Amanda did need to spell it out for her because a part of her didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to know that Amanda felt it too. That the attraction between them was mutual and that maybe they were both in love.

"Whatever _this _is?" Amanda repeated and took a step towards Olivia, entering her personal space. "It looks pretty clear to me, Olivia. I kissed you and you damn well kissed me back so either you're a very good actress or you feel for me what I obviously feel for you." She raised her hands into the air in desperation. "I've been trying to fight this for months, Olivia. For months I've been hiding inside myself, hoping you wouldn't notice even the tiniest bit wrong with me but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hiding who I am or what I feel because it's driving me crazy."

"Amanda." Olivia spoke the other woman's again, softer this time. She tried to take the blonde woman's hands but Amanda didn't let her. "I… I don't know what to say..."

"That's your thing, isn't it? You didn't know what to say to Cabot and you don't know what to say to me!" Amanda suddenly yelled. From down the corridor footsteps approached but she ignored it. "Is this what you do, Olivia? You let people come this close to revealing who they are and then you slam the door in their faces because you are too much of a coward to admit to yourself that you're human too?"

"Hey!" Amaro's voice interrupted Amanda's rant and the younger detective's head whipped around. The male detective had appeared behind her. "What's going on here?"

"I am just explaining a few things to Detective Benson," Amanda sneered. She glanced back at Amaro. "Who asked for your opinion anyway?"

"Rollins, watch it," he warned her. "Olivia still outranks you."

"You wouldn't think it, would you?" Amanda snapped back.

"Take a walk, Rollins," Amaro said as he walked round her and placed himself between her and Olivia. The calmness of his voice only infuriated her more. "Cool off and don't come back until you're ready."

"What, you're my captain now?"

Amaro fixed her with a piercing stare. "No but don't make me get Cragen involved in this."

"Nick, maybe it's best if you stay out of this," Olivia said softly. She felt helpless and lost. She wished she hadn't tried to talk to Amanda. She could have coped with the blonde ignoring her. She could have coped with anything but this. She couldn't face Amanda's angry eyes. "This is something between me and Amanda and it's bad enough that it came to this."

"I'm not stupid, Liv. Everyone knows something happened last night and whatever it is, you're going to have to work through it but I don't expect to have to separate the two of you in the middle of a corridor," Amaro said and turned to look at Olivia.

"Forget it," Amanda sneered. "Tell the captain I took a day." She turned on her heel and disappeared down the corridor before either Amaro or Olivia could stop her. Olivia stared at Nick, not sure whether she wanted to smack him for interfering or thank him for doing so. She chose the middle route and remained silent, giving him a dark glare as she walked away from him. She checked the corridor for Amanda but the blonde was already gone.

"Take it that didn't go well," Fin said when he saw Olivia walk back into the squad room. She had a face like thunder. "Where's Rollins?"

"Gone home," Olivia answered and fell into her chair. "God knows what she's going to do next."

Fin sat up in alarm. Only he knew about Amanda's problem and he also knew that addicts were more likely to return to their bad behaviours when they were upset or under stress. Amanda appeared to be suffering from both and he didn't even want to think about the possibility that she walked into some dodgy bar and placed a bet. His eyes darted around the room and saw Amaro come in. "Hey, you and Munch busy?"

"Nothing I can't handle on my own," Munch piped up from behind him. "Why?"

"I need someone to sit outside that apartment building and look out for Wyatt," Fin said and Nick shrugged, accepting the offer almost immediately.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked when she saw he was about to put on his coat.

Fin shot her a passing glance. "Making sure things don't get worse."

~()~

He had pulled up outside the bar and spent the past ten minutes studying the flashing Budweiser sign behind the window. He'd only been here once or twice before but his memory had brought him back here. Thick raindrops slipped down the car's windscreen and the monotone sound of the rain was mind numbing. The skies over the city were grey.

Fin dialled his partner's number and waited for it to go to voicemail. He wasn't expecting her to answer. His eyes widened when he heard Amanda's voice on the other side of the line. Almost immediately he looked back at the bar's entrance. "Where are you?"

"The usual place," she answered and Fin didn't have to see her to hear the defeat in her voice. "You lookin' for me?"

"Only if you want to be found."

"I'll be waiting," she answered softly and then hung up.

Fin got out of his car, crossed the sidewalk and entered the bar where he had met Amanda the night her bookie had roughed her up. When he entered he immediately found her sitting at the bar. She looked so small that he couldn't quite believe this was the same Amanda Rollins he had seen earlier that morning. She sat hunched over the bar, her hands clutching a steaming mug of coffee, and her her head hung as if in shame. The weight of the world seemed to be pressing down on her shoulders.

He put a hand on her shoulder when he sat down on the empty stool beside her. "You allright?"

She gave him a sideways glance. "I guess you were outside, eh?"

"It's a partner's job to know," he said knowingly. "Wanna tell me what happened with you and Benson?"

"I screwed up, Fin," Amanda said softly and stared down at the bar. It was covered in scratches and smudges. She chewed her lip and her fingers followed the shape of her coffee mug. She wasn't sure what she was going to tell him, or even what she wanted to tell him, but she knew she would have to talk to someone. This had gotten out of hand and there was no way she could make things go back to how they used to be. "I screwed up big time."

Fin looked at the southern woman. He'd learnt quickly that Amanda wasn't the type of person to share her emotions with others. In a way she reminded him of himself. He wasn't one to be open about how he felt and he handled things himself. Amanda was that kind of person too. It wasn't hat she was too proud to ask for help, it was more that she was too stubborn to admit that she too needed someone who looked out for her from time to time.

"Remember that night when I asked you if there was somethin' else you wanted to know about your new partner?" she asked. She didn't look up. She couldn't bear it. "Back in Atlanta, before things went down, I had a pretty good life. I even had a relationship." She snorted into her coffee. "Hard to believe, I know, but true. Anyway, we broke up and then somethin' happened on the job. I left and went to New York. Thought I could start over, you know, clean slate?" She shrugged. "I guess I didn't expect to have Olivia Benson walking into my life."

"What's Liv got to with all of this?" Fin asked.

"I'm gay, Fin," Amanda said and she slowly looked up. Tired blue eyes met his dark ones and she sadly smiled. "It was never a secret but it never really came up since coming here."

"So?" Fin said and put a protective hand on his partner's arm. "My son's gay. I ain't got a problem with that."

"I know," she smiled. "You asked if somethin' happened between me and Liv." She averted her eyes and picked her coffee back up. The mug felt warm in her hands. She felt so cold inside. Cold, scared and alone. "I didn't mean for it to happen but I guess that damn saying is true, eh? You can't help who you fall in love with?" She noticed how he suddenly sat up. "Yeah, trust that to happen to me. Falling in love with Olivia Benson seems like a recipe for disaster."

"You and Liv?" he asked. "You mean you two…"

She shook her head. "I didn't think she'd look at me that way, you know what I mean? Not until you said that she and Cabot used to be together. I don't know what changed but maybe it was knowing that perhaps she could feel something too." She took a deep breath. "Yesterday she said that she didn't want to be partnered with me anymore and we had an argument. Then last night she followed me into the toilets in Malone's and cornered me. We argued again and then…" She hesitated. "Then I did the most stupid thing I have ever done in my life, even more stupid than gambling. I kissed her."

Fin wasn't sure what to say. He had never been really good with relationships himself. His marriage had fallen apart long before it had even properly begun. He hardly ever spoke to Ken's mother. He wasn't exactly Father of the Year material but he was trying the best he could. He heard the defeat in Amanda's voice and took a deep breath. "I take it Liv didn't respond well?"

"She did at first," Amanda admitted and suddenly her cheeks turned a deep shade of scarlet. "For a few moments I thought that it had actually happened but then she pushed me away and said that we shouldn't be doing this. I just left her there and then this morning I pretended that nothing happened. She wanted to talk to me but Amaro interfered. I walked out." She put down her coffee without drinking it and the tears in her eyes appeared all to sudden. "I screwed up." A sigh escaped her. "I don't know what else to do."

"Have you tried talking to her?" Fin suggested.

Amanda unexpectedly grinned. "Look where that got me."

"Olivia's had her fair share of issues," the older detective said. "Her life ain't been easy. Like most of us, she's struggled with relationships and being in SVU doesn't seem to be doing anybody any favours."

"I know," Amanda admitted. "I can't stop thinking about her and Cabot. I saw them arguing and it just looked like there was more to it, you know. Like they still have unresolved issues between them." She wiped over her eyes, hoping that her partner wouldn't see the tears still lingering there. "That's probably why she pushed me away. They are back together and she hasn't told anyone yet. Look what could have gone down if she'd gone public about her and Haden. If she does that with Cabot the whole unit will be put under the microscope."

Fin looked at his partner. The pain written across Amanda's face was unmistakable. "I still think you should talk to her. You shouldn't leave things like this. They're going to fester and they'll destroy more than you think."

"Maybe you're right," she said and slipped off her stool. She forced herself to smile but the sadness in her eyes didn't fade. "I walked here. You mind driving me back?"

"Of course partner," Fin said and patted her on the shoulder as he walked her out of the bar. Just before they got in the car he looked at her. "Keep your head up, Rollins. Things like this ain't gonna get you down."

She smiled in thanks and slid effortlessly into the passenger seat of the car. She slammed the door and buckled up. Her heart pounded in her chest as Fin began cutting his way through traffic back to the precinct. She didn't know what to say and just stared out of the window. It was still raining and the city looked dark and dreary. She had grown to love New York, she loved what the city had to offer. She loved how easy it was to disappear here, to blend in and just fade away, but she had also come to hate what this city had brought her. She had try to flee from the hurt and heartache in Atlanta only to find that it had followed her here.

Fin parked outside the 1-6 and Amanda jumped out of the car. She ran through the lobby and managed to catch the elevator up. When the doors slid open when she reached the Special Victims Unit, she stepped out and made her way along the corridor. When she walked into the squad room her eyes immediately drifted to Olivia'd desk. It was abandoned. Her heart sank.

"Cooled down?" Amaro asked and she looked over her shoulder.

"Something like that," she said. "Have you seen Liv?"

"She headed out," he answered and took in Amanda's pale face. Her blonde hair was damp and he could see the raindrops on her coat.

Amanda brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and forced herself to remain calm. Her heart was racing in her chest. "Did she say where she was going?"

"I think she went out to meet Cabot."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note: **Because I am a horrible person who loves cliffhangers, drama and angst, I know ya'll hate me by the end of this one. Don't say I didn't warn ya.**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

_Went looking for a crossroads, it happens every day  
And whichever way you turn, I'm gonna turn the other way  
~Brandi Carlile - Before It Breaks  
_

Malone's was quiet in the afternoon. Most cops didn't come in here till after their shift had ended so when Olivia stepped into the bar she wasn't surprised to find it almost completely abandoned. Her eyes scanned the room and she found Alex sitting not too far from one of the windows. She was sipping from a glass of water and looked up when she saw Olivia walk in. A smile spread over her face as she watched the brunette detective walk towards her table.

"Hey," Olivia smiled. "Thanks for meeting me here. I know it's out of your way."

"Any excuse to get out of office is an excuse I'll accept, especially if it's an afternoon get-together in your favourite hangout," Alex said. From behind dark rimmed glasses her blue eyes searched the other woman's face. Olivia appeared anxious. "This has got to be important."

Olivia slipped into the empty seat across from Alex and folded her hands on the scratched table surface. She wasn't sure why she had chosen Malone's when she had the choice of every coffee bar in a two block radius. Somehow she wanted to come back here. Subconsciously her eyes drifted across the room and came to a rest on the door leading to the ladies room. This was where it had all gone wrong last night.

"Somehow I don't think this is about the Sylvester trial, is it?" Alex observed and leant back in her chair. She was dressed in one of her tailored suits and the jacket clung to her slender frame in all the right places. The collar of her white blouse had been neatly folded across and the delicate silver chain with diamond studded pendant dangled around her beautifully sculpted neckline. She looked like she was about to walk into a courtroom and deliver the best closing argument of her career.

When Olivia didn't answer straight away the blonde attorney leant across the table. Sensing that something was indeed troubling the other woman, Alex's eyes narrowed. "What's going on, Liv?"

Olivia chewed her lip. "I think I got myself into a mess, Alex."

Alex arched an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Have you started seeing anyone since you came back to New York?" Olivia asked and Alex blinked a few times at the directness of that question.

"Between pre-trial motions and writing opening and closing arguments I barely have time for lunch let alone a relationship," Alex answered, causing Olivia to nervously laugh. She never took her eyes off the brunette's face. "A couple of dates, a few that turned into a second but never a third. Pressure of the job, I suppose." She paused, weighing her words carefully. "Is this about David Haden?"

"How come everyone knows about this?" Olivia rolled her eyes. "I thought we'd been so careful."

"You forget who knows you best," Alex smiled weakly. "So this is about Haden?"

Olivia couldn't hide that she was surprised to hear Alex mention her former lover's name. They had been so careful. She'd tried to keep things professional but just like it had happened with Alex, and Casey, it had happened with David too. Her personal life and her work collided and things slowly went from bad to worse. She shook her head. "How many people actually know about this?"

"You'd be surprised how easy it is for people to keep their mouths shut at the DA's office when their own ass is on the line," Alex said and a sly smile played around her lips. "You're not the only cop to play with fire, Olivia, and I doubt Haden's the only lawyer to ever cross the line." She arched an eyebrow. "But I take it this isn't about him after all?"

"Not exactly," Olivia answered and picked at a piece of wood that had separated itself from the table. She felt Alex eyes on her and slowly looked up. "It's about Amanda."

"Ah, the southern blonde girl."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Yeah."

Alex reached for her glass and brought it to her lips. Her lipstick had already stained the edge. "I did wonder when this would become a problem."

"Excuse me?" Olivia asked and her dark eyes widened. "You know something I don't?"

"I guess I don't," Alex concluded and she leant back in her chair, still holding her glass. There was something smug about the way she looked at Olivia but she quickly realised that the reason the other woman was here wasn't the same reason Alex assumed she was here. "Did something happen?"

"You could say that."

Alex looked at the woman who had once been her lover. A few years ago she would have said that she was the person who knew Olivia Benson best. She knew her deepest, darkest secrets and she could see the memories flickering behind her eyes whenever Olivia thought nobody was watching. She had seen Olivia at her best and at her worst and Alex had been there, at her side. But things were different now. They were different. Things had changed and they had changed too. She wasn't so sure whether she still knew Olivia the way she used to.

"Are you going to tell me or do I have to force it out of you?" Alex said softly. The sudden pain she saw in the brunette's eyes made her feel sad. It had been a long time since she had seen Olivia like this and for the other woman to come to her, ready to talk, told Alex that whatever it was that she wanted to share troubled her. Olivia wasn't one for talking about her problems and she definitely didn't make a habit about sharing them with Alex since they went their separate ways. "Please don't make me cross-examine you, Olivia."

"Amanda and I… we had a moment the other night when we went out for a drink. We went here, actually." Olivia hesitated. "Looking back I think we've been having these moments for a while now but I just didn't want to admit it. Last night things kinda changed and…"

She fell silent. A couple of months ago she couldn't have imagined talking to Alex about this but now she couldn't think of anyone else to call. She had considered texting Casey but whenever they turned to each other for help or support, things always ended in a way that involved neither of them wearing any clothes. She wasn't looking for that kind of thing right now and although she had already typed a message asking for the redhead to meet her, she had erased it and text Alex instead. Alex didn't know about her fling with Casey and Olivia doubted she would ever tell her but they had grown closer over the last few months, finding common ground between them, and she finally felt like she could trust her again.

"And what?" Alex asked.

"She kissed me and I kissed her."

Alex's blue eyes widened but the glint in her eye betrayed her amusement. "I knew this was coming. She's been watching you for ages, Liv. I didn't think you were ever going to realise it but that girl's eyes have been on you since the day she first walked into SVU."

Olivia stared at Alex in a mixture of horror and surprise. "How do you know that?"

Alex leant in across the table, closing some of the distance between them. "Because I used to look at you like that."

Olivia sighed and shook her head before burying her hands in her hair. Her face was so close to the table surface she could smell the stale alcohol that had seeped into the grains over time. "I can't let this happen, Alex. Not again. Nothing good has ever come from me doing anything like this."

Alex frowned and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Why?"

Olivia looked up, peering at the other woman through her hands. "I don't particularly have a great track record when it comes to relationships, Alex."

"Yeah, that seems to be a prerequisite for joining SVU," the blonde prosecutor answered. "Everyone just falls apart."

"Thanks," Olivia groaned. The sarcasm dripped from her words. "Now I don't feel so bad about it all."

"So you're saying that you don't want to be in a relationship right now?" Alex concluded and Olivia heaved a sigh. "Did you tell her that?"

"I don't think I handled it very well."

Alex scrutinised the detective's face. She knew what Olivia had gone through and their break up had been hard on both of them. It had taken her months to accept that she had to move on after leaving New York and when she had finally come home she'd realised that Olivia's life had changed. "Then exactly what did you tell her?"

Olivia sighed. "I told her that we shouldn't be doing what we did." As she said it she remembered the pain she'd see in Amanda's eyes. To know that she was the reason of that hurt was heart breaking. "I-I don't know what I was thinking, Alex. I know what happened in the past and it never ended well. I guess I got scared and I…I pushed her away."

"Oh Liv," Alex sighed. She could almost feel Olivia's pain. It was written across her face and it lingered in her eyes. "You didn't just push her away; you shut her out, didn't you?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah."

"I remember how you used to do that," Alex said softly. "You were never really good at opening up." She reached for Olivia's hand and covered it with her own. "You can't keep doing this, Olivia. You can't keep shutting people out when they are trying to come close." She felt the other woman's hand clench underneath her own. It was Olivia's tell-tale sign when she was nervous or afraid. Not many people knew it. Alex's blue eyes locked with Olivia's brown. "Do you have feelings for her?"

"Yes," Olivia admitted. "Yes, I do, but I think I lost the one chance I had with her. I can't blame her, Alex. I pushed her away. This morning she acted like nothing happened. I didn't sleep last night. I wanted to call her, tell her I was sorry. She didn't want to speak to me this morning but I made her. She shouted at me and Amaro had to pull her away." She shook her head. Tears unexpectedly welled up in her eyes. "She walked out on me."

"Are you in love with her?" Alex asked softly.

Olivia took a deep breath. "I don't know, Alex. Maybe I am but what if I don't want to be?"

"Why wouldn't you want to be?"

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand. She didn't know what to say. Olivia's confession had surprised her. She had seen the way Amanda Rollins looked at Olivia from across the squad room. She had recognised herself in the way the blonde woman looked at the detective. She had seen that look in her own eyes and she had known there and then that somebody else had moved in to take her place, even if Olivia didn't know it yet. Life had moved on and things had changed. It wasn't until the weeks began to pass that she began to recognise the same look in Olivia's eyes. She never said anything. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to have said and if she had it would have meant that what she had once known was truly gone.

They sat in silence for a little while and lost themselves into their thoughts, with Alex's hand still covering Olivia's. Neither of them saw the figure appearing in the bar's open door, her coat drenched from the rain that had started to pour again outside and blonde hair plastered across her face. Amanda felt her heart freeze and then shatter in her chest when she saw Olivia and Alex sitting at the table by the window, Alex's hand covering Olivia's.

The back of her throat became dry and it was as if someone had just poured acid into her veins. She had never felt this kind of pain before. The bile rose up in the back of her throat and she reached for the doorframe, clinging onto it for support, her fingers digging deeply into the wood. She was cold, wet and tired, having walked here from the precinct, and all she wanted was to just fade away.

She cast one last glance at the two women sitting at the table and then turned on her heel. The tears burnt behind her eyes as she stepped out of the bar and back out onto the streets. The rain hammered down on her head and she looked up to the sky. The raindrops chased down her face and she brushed them away from her cheeks. She started walking, her hands deeply into the pockets of her jeans. The rain seeped behind her coat, trickling down her spine. It was mind numbing and freezing.

She had been right all along. Olivia was seeing Alex again. This was why she had ended their kiss. This was why she had pushed her away and why she'd gone off the deep end when Amanda mentioned the blonde prosecutor. Amanda felt the anger roar in her stomach. How could she have been this stupid? Had she allowed her heart to cloud her judgment? How had she lost sight of what mattered, of what she could still control? Had she just become another victim of the human heart, weakened by how it could make a person feel?

The sharp ringing of her cell phone roused her from her thoughts and she dug it from her pocket. Her hands were cold and wet and she was shaking as she answered it. "Rollins."

"It's me," Fin said on the other side of the line. "Where are you?"

"On my way back," she replied, masking the tremor in her voice as best as she could. "Why?"

"Unis called," Fin said and the buzz of the traffic in the background told Amanda that he was driving. "Richard Wyatt's turned up at the apartment building and they are requesting back-up."

She glanced down the road, half and half expecting him to be here already. Her heart was pounding against her ribcage and the adrenaline started pumping around in her body. The pain began to fade to the background as the excitement took over. Her hand slid down to the gun strapped to her hip, hidden by her jacket. "Pick me up around the corner from Malone's."

She didn't have to wait for him for too long. She just had enough time to get a cup of coffee from a small bar and was clutching it when Fin pulled up on the curb. She jumped in the car and reached for the heater almost immediately, desperate to regain some of the feeling in her frozen limbs. Fin glanced at his partner, taking in her wet appearance and the hot coffee in her hand. Amanda rested her head against the seat and released a sigh. Frankly she looked like hell.

"Guess I was right," she whispered and looked at Fin. "She's back with Alex." She swallowed hard and shook her head. " I guess I made a fool out of myself." She shrugged, pretending to be more confident than she actually felt. "Time to move on, right?"

Fin didn't answer and just manoeuvred the car into traffic. It wasn't as busy as it had been earlier that day and he found his way through the endless rows of taxis and slow driving vehicles without too many problems. The minutes on the clock built into the dashboard started to pass and Amanda found herself staring at it. The silence in the car didn't do anything to help with the aching in her chest but she tried to focus on the situation ahead of them.

"Did the unis say what the backup's for?" she asked but Fin shook his head.

"No. They just called in to central and asked for SVU."

"Did you find out anything else about Richard Wyatt?" Amanda asked. She rubbed her hands along her soaking wet jeans. The heating was on full but she was still cold. She wanted to get out of her clothes, get changed into something dry and clean.

"Nothing much," Fin answered. "The guy's rap sheet making him look good for the case but we really have to talk to him if we want to find out he actually did it. Amaro sat on Heath for a while and said that he seems nervous and on edge. Saw him outside making a phone call. Looked like he was getting pretty agitated."

"Did he trace the call?" Amanda asked.

"Prepaid cell phone," Fin said. "No way to trace it. Signal came from somewhere in Chelsea. Could have been anyone but Amaro seems to think it was Wyatt. Unis only just took over when he turned up."

The radio creaked. "NYPD portable 26 to Central." A man's voice came through on the radio and Rollins sat up. The portable unit belonged to one of the many police cars driving around the city. An unnerving feeling settled in her chest as the radio crackled again. "NYPD portable 26 to Central! 10-22, I repeat 10-22! Requesting back up!"

Amanda's eyes snapped back at Fin. "Isn't that the code for a hostage situation?"

He nodded. "Something's gone wrong."

Amanda reached for the blue flashing light on the dashboard and the loud howling noise made her ears ring. The light flashed in the windscreen and around them the traffic started to disperse. Fin hit the gas, putting his foot down as far as he could, and Amanda was thrown back into her seat when he threw the wheel to his left and the car's tires squealed when they turned the corner. Amanda reached for the window to support herself and glanced at Fin.

"Who the hell taught you to drive?"

"Got a problem with it?" Fin retorted, a twisted grin around his lips.

They were closing in on the Upper East Side and in the distance Amanda heard the sound of sirens wailing. The sounds grew louder and louder as they came closer to the apartment building and she glanced in the rear-view mirror. Behind their unmarked car three police cars had appeared. They followed them on high speed and the traffic gave them a clear way. When she saw the ambulance join the group of cars she felt the fear tighten its grip around her heart and she looked at Fin.

"I don't like the look of this."

He shook his head and turned the wheel. The tires squealed once again as the car shot across a busy cross street, ignoring the red light. He just missed the curb and managed to regain control of the vehicle. Both he and Amanda were thrown about in their seats. "Something's not right."

They pulled up outside the apartment building so abruptly that Amanda's seatbelt cut into her chest. She unbuckled it and reached for her gun almost immediately. She pulled it from its holster before reaching for the car door handle. She dove out of the car, keeping low to the ground. Her knees made contact with the tarmac as she rolled across the ground. Her senses were on full alert and the sounds came crashing down on her like Niagara Falls. She leapt back to her feet and scanned the area around her. Within seconds she had taken in the situation.

About half a dozen police cars had pulled up around them. Uniformed police officers were taking positions behind open doors, aiming their guns at the two figures standing on the sidewalk. Several voices were shouting and the blue flashing lights reflected off the wet road surface, creating an almost haunting atmosphere.

"What the hell happened?" Amanda shouted when she reached the uniformed officer nearest to her. His eyes were peeled on the two men on the sidewalk. She recognised Richard Wyatt from the picture on his rap sheet. Wide eyed and pale, with dark rings around his eyes. He was transpiring and seemed almost delusional. The gun in his hand was pressed firmly against Thomas Heath's head. The young man looked terrified. Dried blood caked his nose and mouth.

"We took over from your guy about an hour ago," the uniformed officer replied. One glance at his chest told Amanda that his name was Petersen. "Amaro left a picture of the suspect with us. About half an hour later he came walking down the road. This other guy comes out and they start arguing. Things get heated and the suspect went inside. He came back out and smashed the victim's face against the wall before drawing his gun. That's when we called for back-up."

"Has he said anything?" Amanda asked. "Anything at all?"

"He's rambling. Nothing that makes sense."

"We should wait for SWAT," Fin said when he reached Amanda. "None of us have vests, Rollins. We can't risk him starting a shoot-out."

"He clearly knows something, why else would he keep Heath hostage like this?" Amanda said. She glanced at the two men. Heath was pressed against Wyatt's body. Wyatt's arm was wrapped around Heath's chest holding up like one would a reluctant child. He stood rigid, like a statue, but his eyes were alert. He stared at the officers who had drawn their guns at him.

"We should try and talk to him," Amanda said. "He might be able to tell us something."

"Rollins," Fin warned her. "We should wait."

"HEY!" Wyatt suddenly shouted and Amanda's head whipped around. All the police officer's suddenly tensed up as Wyatt began to push Heath towards the end of the sidewalk. "I do not fear death for I shall walk into the Kingdom of God. The Lord is my saviour and only He can judge me! I do not fear your bullets for your bullets cannot kill me! The Lord sent me to do this work and only he can summon me into his Kingdom."

"He's completely lost it," Amanda said. "He's probably suffering a psychotic break. This isn't good, Fin. Psychotic breaks often spiral out of control. They get stuck in their cycle and there is only one way for them to break it. They either get forcibly medicated or they end up dead. Suicide by cop is not uncommon because they lose all sense of reality. He truly does believe that we can't hurt him."

It happened so fast that no one really had time to think. Someone shouted. Another voice followed but she never quite heard what they were saying. Wyatt dropped Heath and she watched his body slump to the floor as Wyatt started walking towards them, gun drawn. Her finger tightened around the trigger and the world seemed to move as if in slow motion. Slowly she rose to her full figure, her arm outstretched, the gun securely in her hand. Voices faded and faces changed into meaningless pictures as she slowly rose from behind the car door.

Her world went black almost at the same time the gunshot rang out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's note: **Ya'll hate me still? I bet you don't anymore after this chapter. I cannot believe that the reviews have reached nearly 100. When I started this story I didn't expect it to become this popular and ya'll have been amazing reviewers and readers. Tomorrow's Wednesday and I am so excited for the new episode, if not a little scared at the same time. I will not be able to actually watch it till Thursday - which will be agony - due to my work schedule. Throughout my shifts - days and nights- I have managed to keep this updates daily. It's probably the first time I have ever kept that up for nine days straight. I break up from work on Thursday so I'll have plenty of time to keep on writing. **  
**

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**Chapter 9**

_And I thought of all the bad luck,  
And the struggles we went through  
And how I lost me and you lost you  
~Don Henley - The Heart Of The Matter_

The sharp ringing of her cell phone interrupted their conversation and Olivia's hand shot down to her hip. She dug the device out of her picket and saw Cragen's name flash across the screen. She hit the answer button and brought the phone to her ear. "Captain?"

"Liv, where are you?"

"I'm with Alex, discussing the Sylvester trial," Olivia answered and glanced at the woman sitting across from her at the table. It wasn't really a lie. The conversation about Amanda had changed into a debate about the trial. It didn't exactly take her mind of what had happened between her and Amanda but it did help her feel less angry and sad about it. She brushed her fingers through her hair and glanced up at the window. The rain was still pouring down outside. "What's up?"

"You need to get to the Upper East Side, stat."

Only now did she recognise the urgency in Cragen's voice. There were sirens wailing in the background and she could hear people talking. A man's voice shouted something and another voice replied but she couldn't make out what they were saying. She sat up in her chair, her finger suddenly tightening their grip around the phone. In her chest her heart missed a beat.

"Why? What happened?"

Alex sat up too when she observed the sudden fear in Olivia's eyes. All the colour drained from her face and the brunette suddenly looked tired and old beyond her years.

"There's been a shooting," Cragen said. His voice was soft. "Rollins…. She's hurt bad, Liv."

She dropped her phone and jumped out of her chair. Her cell phone bounced off the table and landed on the ground as the chair she had been sitting on fell over. Olivia started for the door in such a hurry that Alex barely had time to react. The blonde prosecutor leapt out of her own chair, grabbed Olivia's abandoned phone off the floor and heard Cragen call Olivia's name before the line went dead. Clutching the cell in her hand Alex caught up with Olivia, who was already outside. Rain poured down on them and the older woman turned around, looking frightened and lost. Her brown hair had plastered itself across her forehead and Alex brushed her own wet hair out of her eyes.

"My car's parked around the corner," she said and grabbed Olivia's arm. She knew something bad had happened. The fear in Olivia's eyes was unlike anything else she had ever seen. The tears in the detective's eyes broke her heart and she began pulling Olivia towards her. Olivia seemed too shocked to move and Alex tightened her grip, pulling a little harder. Olivia finally started moving. "I'll take you."

The journey to the Upper East Side was a blur. Olivia sat ni the passenger seat, staring out of the car window. Raindrops slid down the glass, obscuring the view of New York. She didn't register how Alex broke the speed limit in an attempt to get her halfway across the city. All she could think about was Amanda. She was hurt. She got shot. She couldn't lose her. Not when the last time they had spoken had been in a fight. Not when the last time she had seen those blue eyes was when they were filled with anger. She couldn't lose Amanda without the blonde woman knowing how she felt.

Alex glanced at Olivia. The older woman had covered her mouth with her hand and silent tears streamed down her face. She wanted to say something, anything, to take some of the pain away but she knew that no words could take away the fear Olivia was experiencing. She reached for the other woman's knee and touched it, rousing Olivia from her thoughts.

"We'll be there soon," she said softly as she used her other hand to steer the car through the traffic. She took the next right hand turn, the tires squeaking in the process. "I'll get you there, Liv. I promise I will."

"We fought," Olivia whispered as her eyes fixed on the windscreen. She didn't see anything of the world outside. The images weren't coming through. "We argued and we fought and she walked out on me. I didn't want to admit that I kissed her. I can't lose her, Alex. I can't."

"I know," Alex said softly and slammed the brakes when she spotted the flashing blue lights ahead. They had reached the scene of the shooting. Yellow police tape cordoned off the area and she pulled up behind several police cars. Five ambulances were parked not far away, with their backdoors wide open and the paramedics were rushing around.

Olivia left the car before Alex had even come to a full standstill and ran across the wet street towards the lone figure of Captain Don Cragen. He appeared forlorn in the masse of paramedics doing what they needed to do. There were voices everywhere, with people talking to each other or shouting things to no one in particular. The scene breathed chaos and confusion.

"What the hell happened?!" Olivia shouted as she reached Cragen and grabbed his arm. He turned around and she saw the deflated, empty look in his eyes. The blue lights reflected of the wet, shiny road surface, creating a disturbing and haunting scene. "Where's Amanda?" Cragen didn't reply immediately and she felt the anxiety slowly strangle her heart. "Captain, where's Amanda? What happened, _where is she_?!"

"Wyatt took Heath hostage when he returned to the building. Fin and Rollins responded to the unis' call for backup and arrived at the scene a few minutes before the shooting. Wyatt came towards the officers and aimed his weapon. Then all hell broke loose," Cragen said. "Rollins got hit twice."

_Twice._ Two bullets had hit Amanda.

"Where is she?" Olivia demanded and her brown eyes pierced into Cragen's. She needed to know. She needed to see her. "Captain, where is she?!"

"They took her to Lenox Hill." Cragen sounded defeated. "Ambulance left ten minutes ago."

A figure broke free from a small group of people standing around one of the ambulances and started walking towards them. Olivia recognised Fin and felt her heart sink when she noticed his clothes were covered in blood. He was trying to clean his bloodied hands with a towel but the blood wasn't coming off. He looked tired and his eyes were empty. When he reached Olivia he struggled to look at her.

"They wouldn't let me in with her," he said. "It doesn't look good, Liv."

"I'm taking you to Lenox Hill," Alex said and put a hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Come, Liv. There is nothing you can do here. Amanda needs you in the hospital." She gently pulled at the older woman's arm but Olivia seemed reluctant to move. She was nailed to the ground as her gaze fixed on a pool of blood not too far from where they were standing. She didn't know to whom it belonged but she imagined Amanda lying on the wet, bloodied street, her eyes wide open, staring up to the sky. She couldn't erase the image from her mind and the tears began streaming down her face again.

"Liv," Alex said softly and tugged at the detective's arm. Olivia finally moved and silently followed Alex to the car. The blonde woman held the door for her and leant across Olivia to buckle up her seatbelt. Olivia didn't even blink as Alex did this and the attorney glanced at Olivia's face. Dark shadows had formed around her eyes and it was as if Olivia had fallen into a deep, dark hole.

She closed the door, walked around the car and got into the driver's side. She started the engine and cast a final glance in the rear view mirror before leaving the scene. Cragen was talking to Fin and they both looked lost. She knew what this meant and she also knew that neither man had wanted to tell Olivia what they had seen. They shared a look that people only shared when they knew that things were unlikely to end well. Alex understood that neither Cragen nor Fin expected Amanda Rollins to survive.

~()~

Lenox Hill Hospital was located in the Upper East Side, not too far from the site where the shooting had happened. Alex abandoned her car at the first available opportunity and she walked around the vehicle to open the door for Olivia. She hadn't spoken all the way here but now that they had reached the hospital she had regained some of her senses and she bolted out of the car, rushing towards the ER entrance. Two more ambulances pulled up not too far from them, their sirens wailing. A police car followed one of them.

Olivia staggered into the ER and her eyes scanned the room. The waiting room was almost completely empty. A young man and an elderly woman occupied two of the seats. Her gaze fixed on the reception desk and she didn't even wait for Alex to reach her and she walked towards it. The young nurse behind the desk looked up. She had friendly green eyed and jet black hair.

Olivia grabbed her badge and flashed it. "Detective Olivia Benson," she said and her dark eyes desperately searched the nurse's face. She wanted to know where Amanda was and how she was doing. Her heart ached in her chest and her fingers involuntarily clawed at the smooth surface of the desk. "A young woman was brought in a few minutes ago. Amanda Rollins. She was shot. Do you know where she is, how she's doing?"

"The doctors are working on her now," the young nurse reassured her and her fingers flew across the keyboard of her computer. "Are you family?"

"I'm her partner," Olivia answered. The tears glistened in her eyes and she only just managed to get the words out without crying. Alex appeared at her side, her hand suddenly resting on Olivia's arm in support. "I need to see her. I need to know if she's allright. Please, tell me what you know." She looked at the nurse and begged. "Please?"

"I'm sorry but there isn't anything I can tell you," the nurse answered and looked at Olivia. The pain and grief written across her face wasn't something she had never seen before. In the ER she saw many people at the worst moments in their lives. She watched the grief, hurt and anger of their loved ones. Just like them she held on to the flicker of hope that they would survive whatever happened to them. "The doctor will be with you as soon we he can."

"Liv, let's just take a seat," Alex said softly and tried to pull Olivia away from the desk. The dark haired woman reluctantly let her and she fell down in the first available chair. She covered her head with her hands. Alex sat down beside her and carefully wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulders.

"Amanda's a tough one," she said, trying to find some words of comfort. "She'll pull through."

"She has to," Olivia whispered. "She has to." It became a mantra and she continued to repeat the words, whispering softly to herself, over and over again. "She has to. She has to. She has to."

As the minutes began to pass Olivia curled up into a different chair, across from where she had been sitting before, and rested her back against the wall. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her head rested against the cold frosted glass of the ER waiting room and she stared into the distance, not quite taking in what was happening around her. The world had changed into a blur and voices had faded into the background. All she felt was the steady beating of her heart and the blood rushing in her ears.

Cragen, Fin, Amaro and Munch walked into the waiting room and Alex greeted them at the door. Fin was still covered in blood, having refused to get changed or go home. He had practically wrestled Amaro to let him into the car and he was now the first to reach the blonde prosecutor waiting for them.

"Any news?"

Alex shook her head. "Still waiting for the doctor to tell us anything."

"How's Liv?" Amaro asked and glanced at the dark haired detective sitting in the corner of the room. A cold cup of hospital coffee stood beside her. She hadn't even acknowledged them. He looked back at Alex. "Has she said anything since coming here?"

"No," Alex said softly. "She feels guilty."

"This wasn't her fault," Amaro said.

"She'll realise that eventually but right now she is scared," Alex answered. She looked at Cragen. "Did you catch the guy?"

"Suicide by cop," Cragen answered without a hint of regret in his voice. "The second he shot Amanda, every single officer on the scene emptied their gun at him. He's got more holes in him than a sieve. Whoever's doing the autopsy's going to have a hell of a time digging the slugs out of him."

"He deserved it," Alex groaned and rubbed the back of her head. She'd been here less than an hour and already was this place giving her the creeps. She didn't like hospitals. Maybe it was because of her line of work and the cases she handled for SVU but it seemed like nothing good ever happened here. Victims of a crime ended up here. People died here after they were attacked. Somehow she had never been able to believe that there was such a thing as hope living between hospital walls.

Fin slowly walked towards Olivia and sat down in the chair beside her. She didn't even look up to meet his eyes and he studied her face for a little while. Remembering what Amanda had told him earlier that day in the bar he began to realise that the blonde woman had been wrong. Olivia wasn't back together. He knew it there and then. He slowly leant in, putting a hand on the brunette's knee. Suddenly her eyes snapped back to life and she looked up at him.

"Fin." Her voice was flat. "Hi."

"Hey," he said. "Cabot says the doctors ain't been to see you yet."

Olivia shook her head. "They don't like to make promises."

"Just like cops," Fin said weakly.

Before she could answer, the doors on the other side of the waiting room opened and a man wearing green surgical scrubs appeared. He was still removing his gloves and there were bloody smudges across his chest. Kind grey eyes searched the waiting room and singled out Olivia. She slipped out of her chair when she saw him and he started walking towards her.

"Olivia Benson?" he asked and she nodded. "I'm doctor Ward." The anticipation and fear in her chest were slowly tightening their grip on her heart. When he spoke again she felt the burden slowly fall from her shoulders and she reached for Fin's arm in support. He was right there at her side. "We've stabilised your partner for now but we will be moving her to the OR shortly to remove one of the bullets."

"One of the bullets?" Olivia asked.

"The first shot was a through and through, piercing the flesh of her shoulder and emerging just below the shoulder blade on her left side. It is mostly soft tissue damage but we can't be sure about any nerve damage until she has regained full consciousness," the trauma doctor explained. "The second bullet lodged itself in her lower abdomen and ruptured her spleen. It was bleeding profusely but we have stabilised it for now but we will remove it during surgery. The ultrasound shows significant damage."

"Is she going to pull through?" Olivia whispered. "She's going to be OK, right?"

"The bullet didn't hit any of the main arteries and the internal bleeding is minimal, spleen aside," Doctor Ward explained. "Now that the bleeding is under control, the main danger is over but Amanda isn't out of the woods yet. The surgery will be testing. She has lost of a lot of blood but I am carefully optimistic."

"OK," Olivia sighed and took a deep breath. The question had been burning on the tip of her tongue since seeing the doctor and even though she knew the answer deep down, she asked it anyway. "Can I see her?"

Doctor Ward shook his head. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait until after the surgery is over."

"I understand." Olivia felt the lonely tear trickle down her cheek and reached up to brush it away. "Thank you."

She turned away from him and returned to her seat. She folded her hands in her lap and stared at the floor. Alex walked across the room and sat down beside her. Her fingers drew small figures on the small of Olivia's back and she tried to catch the older woman's gaze. "She is a fighter, Olivia. Amanda isn't the type of person to give up. She is going to go into that surgery and she is going to come out the other end, kicking and screaming."

"I know," Olivia whispered. "I know."

"IAB is going to be all over this," Cragen said and he looked at Fin. "They'll wanna talk to you."

"I ain't got nothin' to hide," Fin answered defensively. "It was a good shoot, Cap."

"I know that and you know that but IAB are bastards," Cragen said and patted the detective on his shoulder. "I'll take you back to the precinct. Get you cleaned up. You need time to prepare your statement?"

Fin shook his head. "I'll be fine, Captain."

"Liv, do you need us to stay?" Amaro asked, fixing his eyes on the female detective.

Olivia shook her head and looked up to meet his eyes. He could see her worry and her fear but he recognised the defensiveness too. "Go do what you gotta do and for God sake Amaro, don't let IAB smear Amanda's name when she can't defend herself. She did nothing wrong."

"Call us when you need anything," Munch said. "Or when something changes."

Alex pushed herself up out of her chair and walked the group of detectives to the door. There Cragen turned around and his brown eyes met the attorney's blue. "Take care of her, councillor."

"I will," Alex promised and quickly squeezed Cragen's hand. "I'll keep you posted."

"Thanks, Alex."

She nodded and slowly walked back to Olivia. The brunette had pulled her legs back up and Alex sat down beside her. Olivia turned her head to look at her and swallowed. "I love her."

Alex smiled and took Olivia's hand into her own. "I know you do, Liv."

"I'll tell her," Olivia whispered and through her tears she managed to smile. She was scared. She was frightened but for the first time since finding about the shooting she felt a sense of hope. She knew that Amanda had a chance and slowly she began to believe that maybe they had a chance too. "I'll tell her as soon as she comes out of surgery and opens her eyes. I'll tell her that I love her even if she doesn't want to hear it but I need her to know."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note: **Allright, folks, ya'll are just too awesome. This story has got more than 100 reviews and I can't actually believe it! Today is perhaps the best day of the week - it's SVU Wednesday. Unfortunately I will not be able to see the episode until tomorrow night so please, no spoilers in your reviews because my heart probably wouldn't cope with it all. I am anxious enough about the car accident as it is.

The theatrical trailer for this story is now online! Go to YouTube and look for MysteriousFlower 22 - the video is called Olivia Benson & Amanda Rollins - Heart of Glass

* * *

**Chapter 10**

_Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise._  
_ I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes._  
_ Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize_  
_ Its worse to finish then to start all over and never let it lie._  
_ And as long as I can feel you holding on. I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong._  
_~Hedley - Perfect**  
**_

Darkness had fallen over New York City and a million lights were flickering across the famous Manhattan skyline. The rain had stopped, leaving the sidewalks and streets wet, their surfaces shining in the yellow streetlights. She sat with her back towards the window, one leg folded underneath her. Several empty cups of coffee stood on the small table beside her. She had flicked through every outdated magazine, read gossip about celebrities she didn't even know existed and the tips to redecorate her house had been wasted on her.

Olivia was tired. Her eyes felt heavy and she had a pounding headache. Her back was aching because of the hard and uncomfortable seats in the ER waiting room. There had been nowhere else to go. She had watched the nurses and doctors rush by, their faces a mask of concentration. A couple of cops had walked in, clearly on the job, and checked in to see if there was any news but Alex had brushed them off, saying they didn't know anything yet.

She was grateful for Alex being here. She wasn't sure she could have coped without her. It was Alex who kept bringing her coffee and even managed to find a sandwich. It was Alex who went up to the desk every hour, asking if there was any news and it was Alex who was sending text messages to the rest of SVU to keep them updated. Olivia couldn't do all those things. All she could think about was Amanda. She was scared. She was terrified.

The clock on the wall pointed at almost eleven o'clock. They had been here for more than nine hours and apart from the doctor telling them that Amanda needed surgery, Olivia hadn't seen anyone who could tell her anything about what was happening. She had tried to sleep but whenever her eyes closed and she felt herself drift off, she'd sit back up with a jolt, her eyes wide open. She couldn't sleep. Not until she knew what was going on.

The doors across the waiting room opened. The place had filled up as darkness had ascended over the city and every so often a doctor had come out to talk to other waiting family members. This time however he walked towards Olivia and she slowly rose to her feet. Her heart was pounding in her chest and the back of her throat felt dry. Alex, who had been standing by the door talking to Cragen on her cell, saw the doctor walk towards Olivia and quickly hung up. She joined the brunette and slipped an arm around her waist in support.

"How is she?" Olivia asked. The question had been burning on the tip of her tongue for hours. The anxiety and the uncertainty were killing her.

"She pulled through," Doctor Ward answered and Olivia released her breath. "We removed the bullet from her abdomen but during the surgery her spleen ruptured once again and she lost a lot of blood. We've had to remove it."

"She can live without her spleen, right?" Alex questioned. "I mean, many people lose it."

Doctor Ward nodded. "The spleen is an organ that is often misunderstood. People think it isn't really part of the body for any reason when in fact it helps with infection control. It removes old and damaged platelets and red blood cells and so on but you are perfectly capable of living without it. Amanda will require some medication in the first few weeks and months of her recovery to help her body fight infection but overtime other organs like the liver will take over."

His eyes found Olivia's and he could see the anxiety written across her face. The second he placed a hand on her arm she knew there was something else he needed to tell her. "Something else happened during the surgery. Something unexpected but not uncommon."

"What?" Olivia breathed and sank back down in her seat. Alex remained standing, her hand resting on Olivia's shoulder. The doctor sat down beside her and withdrew his own hand. He folded them together and seemed to think about to best phrase what he was about to say next.

"Because of the sudden bleeding from her spleen, Amanda's blood pressure dropped. Because of the sudden drop in blood pressure her heartbeat became irregular. This is called arrhythmia," Doctor Ward explained. "It was at this time that she suffered a seizure."

"You mean like a fit?" Olivia asked and he nodded.

"Yes. It was a generalised tonic seizure, meaning that the whole brain was involved. Her muscles stiffened but there was minimal jerking," he explained.

"Is she allright?" Olivia breathed. The fear that had settled in her chest was only tightening its grip on her heart and she found herself searching for Alex's hand in support. "Please tell me she's allright."

"The seizure lasted for a couple of minutes after which we managed to increase her blood pressure and stabilise her heart rhythm. We completed the surgery and she has been transferred to the ICU for overnight observation," Doctor Ward said. "We will probably keep her there for a couple of days because of the seizure and we'll keep her in a medical sleep for that length of time just to give the body and her brain time to recover. Seizures can be very traumatic and can cause a person to be disorientated and unfocused for up to a couple of days."

"But she's allright?" Olivia asked. "I mean, the seizure didn't do any damage?"

"All brain activity is normal."

"Thank God." She covered her mouth with her hand and felt the tears well up in her eyes. "Can I see her?"

He nodded. "I'll take you to her. ICU's on the third floor." He glanced at Alex who was already fumbling with her phone. "No more than two people at a time." He smiled. "I have no doubt that the rest of your squad will be here within the hour."

Olivia pushed herself out of her chair and she and Alex followed Doctor Ward through the waiting room. He led them through the double doors he had just appeared through and walked them to the elevator. As they waited for it to arrive he turned to look at the two women. "When you arrive through the main entrance you can just take the elevator in the lobby."

The doors slid open with a soft 'ping' and the three people stepped inside. Olivia watched the doors slide closed and rested her back against the cold aluminium elevator walls. She'd forgotten all about the pain in her head and her back. All she wanted was to see Amanda. She knew she wouldn't be able to talk to her. She was unconscious and she would probably stay that way for a few more days but she was alive. She'd pulled through, just like she knew she would.

"Cragen's asked if there's anybody we need to call from Atlanta?" Alex said as she looked up from her phone screen. "Has she got any family?"

"A mother and a sister," Olivia said. "Tell Cragen to ask Fin. I know her sister's having some problems so I don't know if she'll be able to get here."

The elevator doors opened again and revealed the corridor leading to the ICU. Olivia's pace almost immediately slowed. Somehow she was scared to be here. The walls were all sterile white and she could smell that typical hospital smell. Something like disinfectant. She brushed her hand through her hair as she walked and found herself hesitating outside the glass doors after Doctor Ward walked through them, entering the ICU. She took a deep breath and followed him.

The corridor was wide and brightly lit. A large nurse's station took up the first part of the corridor. It bad been strategically placed in the middle and meant that nurses and doctors could run off in every direction if they were needed. On either side of the corridor there were large single rooms, the windows covered with blinds. Most of the doors were slightly ajar, allowing for the nurses to come and go as they needed without taking the patients' privacy away.

Doctor Ward paused outside a room to the right side of the corridor and pushed against the door. It gave way and he stepped inside. Olivia followed, bracing herself for what she was about to see. Slowly she let her eyes dance around the room before fixing on the bed. Her breath chocked in the back of her throat when she saw Amanda lying there. Her skin was almost as pale as the sheets on the bed and her blonde hair lay sprawled out over her pillow. Wires were coming out of her chest, attached to the heart monitor next to her bed. An IV was attached to her hand, dripping fluid and medication into her body. She looked strangely peaceful, Olivia thought, like she was sleeping. The soft monotone beeping of the monitor indicated a normal, healthy heart rate and blood pressure.

"Like I said, we've decided to keep her asleep for a couple of days to give her body time to recover from the trauma," Doctor Ward said and pulled up a chair to the side of the bed. Olivia smiled weakly as she sank down in the comfortable arm chair. The leather felt cool against her aching body and the padding was so comfortable that she finally didn't feel the pain in her tired bones anymore.

"If you need anything, the nurses are right outside the door. There's a soda and coffee machine at the end of the corridor and the canteen's on the second floor," he said and put a hand on Olivia's shoulder. "I'll ask the nurses to get you a pillow and a blanket." When she looked at him he smiled. "Somehow I didn't think you'd be going home."

"Thank you," Olivia whispered and managed a smile. "For everything."

"I'll check in on her tomorrow when I make my rounds." He started for the door. "Good night."

Olivia took a deep breath and looked back at Amanda. If it wasn't for all the wires and tubes she looked like she was just sleeping, like nothing had happened. The ventilator that was helping her brath was buzzing softly. The machine was terrifying to say the least but Olivia knew it did what it was supposed to do; help Amanda get better. She reached and took the blonde's hand into her own. She was surprised to find it warm.

"I'll go and call Cragen," Alex said from the open door. Seeing Olivia hold another woman's hand told her that they had really moved on. They were different people now. Things had changed. She'd seen it in Olivia's eyes after she found out Amanda was hurt. Olivia's life had taken a different turn. She nodded to herself as she watched Olivia's fingers draw circles on the back of Amanda's hand.

"Alex?" Olivia called the blonde back and the prosecutor turned around. "Thank you for staying."

"Don't mention it," Alex smiled. "You would have done the same for me."

Olivia looked back at Amanda once Alex was gone and brought the younger woman's hand up to her lips. She kissed the soft warm skin and smiled against Amanda's hand. Tears welled up in her eyes and she took a deep breath. A tiny smile played around her lips as her dark eyes once again trailed over Amanda's sleeping form. "You sure have one hell of a way of making me see what I needed to see, Rollins."

"I'm sorry for everything, Amanda. I said things I shouldn't have said. I'm a coward. I know that now. Hell, I think I knew a long time ago but it isn't always easy to admit your flaws, I guess. I think I was afraid of what would happen if I let myself fall in love with you but it isn't like I could help it. It happened anyway." Olivia shook her head. Her voice was soft, like a whisper. She knew Amanda couldn't hear her but she had to get the words out. She was desperate to just say them. "Every time I love someone, something happens that destroys everything in the end. I didn't want that to happen again. I didn't want that to happen to you, to us."

She looked up when she heard Alex walk back in. "Fin and Amaro said they'll be here first thing tomorrow morning."

"I'm surprised Fin isn't here already," Olivia smiled.

"IAB is trying to bust his ass."

"Bastards don't have a heart. He watched his partner get shot and all they care about is if he or Amanda screwed up," Olivia groaned. She watched how Alex dragged another arm chair across the room and put it next to her own. "Listen, Alex, you don't have to stay the night, you know."

"I knew you were going to say that," Alex smiled. "The char's not for me. Put your feet on it. I doubt they're going to let you sleep in the same bed as her."

Olivia smiled too. "I don't know what I would have done without you today."

"You'd have coped. You always do," Alex answered. "I'll swing by your apartment and get you a change of clothes. Anything else you want me to get?"

Olivia shook her head. It was only now that she was sitting down, Amanda's hand safely in her own, that she realised how tired she was. Just as Alex was leaving the room, a nurse appeared. She was carrying a blanket and a couple of pillows and smiled when she saw Olivia sitting in the chair. She crossed the room and handed Olivia the items before checking Amanda's stats.

"Would you like a glass of water?" she asked after she put the clipboard down and looked at Olivia. She gave a knowing smile. "The nights can be very long here."

"Thanks," Olivia smiled.

She waited until the nurse had left before making herself comfortable with the two chairs. Alex was right. With the second chair there was enough room for her legs and they were big enough to allow her to curl up onto her side. She turned the chairs around in an angle that she could see Amanda's face as soon as she opened her eyes and wrapped herself up in the blanket. It wasn't as comfortable as bed but this was going to be where she slept until Amanda woke up.

A couple of minutes later the nurse came back and handed Olivia a bottle of water and a glass. "I'll be here all night if you need anything else. My name's Stephanie and I'll be taking care of Amanda until tomorrow morning." She spoke with a slight southern accent, reminding Olivia of the slight drawl in Amanda's own voice. "Are you her partner?"

Olivia nodded. She knew that the nurse would assume that she meant domestic partner but she was too tired to explain things differently. It also meant that she would be allowed to stay for as long as she wanted or needed without people asking questions. She waited till nurse Stephanie had left the room and reached from under her blanket for Amanda's hand. It felt right to hold it, as if on some way she could let Amanda know that she was here, right beside her.

"Everything's going to be allright," Olivia whispered as her thumb ghosted across the back of Amanda's hand. "I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. You're going to get through this and we'll find a way to make all of this work somehow."

~()~

She realised she'd fallen asleep only when her eyes snapped open unexpectedly and she sat up with a jolt. The blanket slipped away from her and landed on the floor. The lights in the room had been dimmed just enough for her to sleep but still bright enough for nurses to be able to come and check on Amanda. Olivia's hand immediately shot towards Amanda's. She didn't know what it was that had woken her but an unnerving feeling settled in her chest. As her eyes scanned the room they were drawn to the machines next to Amanda's bed. Just as her gaze fixed on the brightly coloured numbers the sharp sound filled her ears. Before she could even blink there were footsteps and voices in the room. The next second Amanda's body started shaking violently.

One of the nurses grabbed Olivia's arm and pushed her towards the door. "You have to wait outside, ma'am."

"Please, no," Olivia whispered and covered her face with her hands. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she watched the three nurses around Amanda's bed. She was suffering another seizure and the involuntarily movements of her body were heart wrenching to watch. Olivia's grip on the doorframe tightened as she looked at the woman she loved surrounded by medical equipment. One of the nurses checked the content of a syringe before pushing the needle into Amanda's IV. One of the other nurses had her eyes fixed on the clock on the wall, watching the seconds turn into minutes.

"Please don't let her die. _Please_."

She whispered the words over and over and only stopped when she felt an unexpected hand on her shoulder. Realising that it was Alex, she threw herself against the other woman's chest. Alex dropped the weekend bag she'd brought with her and enveloped Olivia in her arms. She glanced into the room and felt her heart sink when she saw the nurses around Amanda's bed. The convulsions had stopped but her lips had turned blue and her eyes were suddenly open but they had rolled back into her head.

"What happened?" she whispered when Olivia lifted up her head.

"She had another seizure," Olivia answered. "I must have fallen asleep and when I woke up… it happened just seconds after."

Stephanie, the nurse Olivia had seen earlier that night, left Amanda's bedside and walked towards Olivia. "I'm sorry you had to see that. It must have been very upsetting."

"Is she OK?" Olivia whispered. "Is she going to be allright?"

"Amanda has a fever which is probably why she had the seizure. You may have seen it in children when they get a sudden high fever and suffer convulsions. It is not entirely unheard of in adults either, and especially with those who have suffered a trauma like Amanda has," Stephanie explained. "As far as we can tell she's allright but we'll continue to monitor her throughout the night."

"Will she be having any more seizures?" Olivia asked.

"We weren't expecting her to have any at all. We've given her some medication so for now I'd say that I'm not expecting any more but I can't say that she won't be having them again. We're trying to bring her temperature down, therefore reducing the risk of further seizures," Stephanie answered and briefly patted Olivia on her arm. "I have worked in the ICU for many years and I have seen patients and their loved ones go through hell and back. I have every faith that Amanda will pull through."

"Thanks," Olivia said softly and looked at Alex. "Can I go back in now?"

"Sure," Stephanie smiled. "I bet she'd rather have you at her bedside than us."

Olivia and Alex walked back into Amanda's room and Olivia scooped the blanket of the floor. She wrapped it around her shoulders as she curled back up in the chair and took Amanda's hand into her own. "Did you speak to Cragen?"

"Her mom's booked the next available flight out of Atlanta," Alex said and glanced at the clock on the wall. "She should be here some time tomorrow morning." She looked at Amanda. Now that the seizure was over she looked peaceful once again. "Do you want me to stay?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. Go home, Alex. You've done everything you could." She turned her head to look at the other woman. Alex looked tired. She was still wearing the suit she'd put on earlier that morning and Olivia guessed the blonde ADA really liked the idea of a shower. It was almost two in the morning and Alex hadn't even slept yet. "Get some sleep. There's nothing else you can do here."

"You sure?" Alex questioned.

"Yeah, I'm sure.

"Ok." Alex kissed Olivia on her head and briefly let her hand rest on Amanda's bed. "I'll come see you in the morning."

Olivia nodded and watched Alex leave. She then looked back at Amanda. There wasn't a hint of pain on her face. Her eyes had closed once again and her chest was rising and falling slowly but steadily. All the machines had gone back to normal and the room was quiet and peaceful once again. It was as if nothing had happened.

"If you were awake you'd tell me to get some sleep," Olivia whispered and pulled her chair towards the bed. She rested her head on the bed, close to Amanda's arm, whilst still holding her hand. She wanted to be close to her, to let her know that she was right here with her, that she wasn't going to let Amanda go through this alone. She laced her fingers through Amanda's and kept her eyes fixed on the younger woman's face. She knew she had to try and sleep but she was worried and scared.

Eventually she lost the battle and her eyes closed but her hand never slipped out of Amanda's.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: **So I haven't seen yesterday's episode yet and I feel like I am dying inside. HOW do I even cope? I am updating this from my phone at work [obviously when I shouldn't but it is how I have been keeping this story going every single day since starting] so I will not get a chance to sit down and die over the episode until i get home from work tonight. **  
**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

_My thoughts are lost in memories _  
_That keep me free _  
_Know if all the stars were shining _  
_They would not help me see _  
_~Bonnie Raitt - Cry Like A Rainstorm**  
**_

She stood in the doorway of her daughter's room. The weak sunlight filtered through the partially drawn standard issue hospital curtains. It had been a long time since she had last seen Amanda. It was probably coming up to two years. They were never close, for various reasons, but ever since Amanda left for New York, their relationship had only deteriorated. Some of that was probably her own fault and now her daughter lay in a hospital bed with wires coming out of her. The heart monitor beeped softly. It was the only sound in the room.

Nancy Rollins carefully stepped into the room. She was still carrying the large weekend bag she had packed in a hurry after receiving a phone call from Donald Cragen. He told her was the Captain of the Special Victims Unit in New York, and Amanda's boss. She had dreaded this phone call for a long time. Whenever Amanda went out on a case back in Atlanta she'd sit by the phone for hours, waiting for it to ring. Every siren wailing would send her heart rate into overdrive. Last night had been the night she'd been fearing ever since her daughter left the academy. She got hurt.

It was only now that she walked into the room that she noticed Amanda wasn't alone. A dark haired woman was asleep with her head on the bed, her hand linked with Amanda's. Her other arm lay under her head. Her back was arched and Nancy assumed that she had to be uncomfortable in this position but she appeared to be sleeping soundly. A little smile spread across her face.

Olivia's eyes snapped open when she felt someone looking at her and she sat up. She looked bewildered for a couple of seconds before seeing the woman standing in the doorway. Her hand slipped out of Amanda's and she attempted to smooth her clothes. As she moved her back protested and she flinched.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Nancy apologised. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's all good," Olivia answered and stood up. She wasn't sure what to do. She guessed this had to be Amanda's mother. The resemblance was rather striking. Amanda had inherited her mother's blue eyes and blonde hair. It was clear to see they were mother and daughter. She took a deep breath and extended her hand. "You must be Amanda's mother."

"Just call me Nancy," Nancy said and shook Olivia's hand. She gave the brunette a once over. Her clothes were creased and her hair looked like it hadn't been combed for a couple of days. The blanket and the pillow on the chair were a clear giveaway. "The nurses said that Amanda's partner was in here. Have you been here all night?"

Olivia nodded. She felt like she had been hit by a truck and attempted to stretch her back. "Ever since she was brought in."

"You haven't been home?" Nancy questioned, unable to hide the surprise in her voice.

"I didn't want her to be alone," Olivia said softly. "I didn't want to leave her."

"I understand," Nancy smiled and walked around the bed. She leant in and kissed her daughter tenderly on her forehead before brushing a strand of hair out of her face. She took in her pale features and the wires attached to her chest and shook her head. "Oh Mandy, I always told you I was scared for you. I always knew this day would come."

Olivia watched the older woman talk to Amanda. This was something she didn't feel ready to be part of. She didn't deserve to be part of it. This was something between a mother and daughter. She felt like a stranger, like an intruder, and slowly started making her way towards the door. Nancy looked up when she heard Olivia move.

"You never told me your name, darlin'."

"Olivia," Olivia answered with a tired smile. "Olivia Benson."

"You don't have to leave because I'm here, Olivia. I wasn't going to send you away," Nancy smiled. "I saw you asleep on her bed, your hand holding hers. You have as much right to be in this room as I do."

"Thank you," Olivia said. "I promise I'll be back but now that you're here, I think that maybe I'll go home and take a shower." She picked up the bag of stuff Alex had left for her the previous night. She hadn't expected Amanda's mother to be here this soon but now that she was she could leave without feeling too guilty. "The nurse's station's just down the hall. They're really lovely. If there's anything you need, just ask."

"Ok," Nancy said and watched how the brunette woman left the room. Once Olivia was gone she turned back to her daughter and studied her face. "I know we haven't spoken to each other in a long time, Amanda, and I know I resented you for going to New York but I know you had your reasons." She let her fingers trail along her daughter's arms. "I am happy you found someone who makes you happy."

Across the ICU Olivia made her way towards the elevator. The doors slid open and revealed Alex. The blonde ADA frowned when she saw Olivia with her bag. "Where are you going?"

"Amanda's mother arrived," Olivia said and before Alex could ask she quickly added, "She didn't send me away. I would just really like a shower."

"I'll drive you," Alex said and stepped back into the elevator. Olivia followed and the doors closed behind her. Alex gave the detective a sideways glance. Olivia looked like hell. She had dark rings around her eyes and her hair was greasy and uncombed. Her clothes were crinkled and her shirt sported a large coffee stain. "Did Amanda have a good night?"

"No more seizures," Olivia sighed and then the corners of her mouth curled up into a little smile. "I bet she slept better than I did."

"Hospital chairs are not made for sleeping in," Alex agreed.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it."

~()~

She was actually relieved to walk into her apartment. She left the bag in the kitchen and headed straight for the bathroom. Alex made herself comfortable in the living room, like she had done countless of times before. This was the first time she'd visited Olivia's apartment since they had gone their separate ways. Not much had changed and for a moment or two Alex allowed herself to dwell on the memories that still lingered between these walls. She looked up when she heard the shower run, snapping her out of her thoughts, and with a sigh she fell back into the pillows of the couch. She and Olivia were well and truly over.

Olivia washed her hair and scrubbed herself with coconut scented shower oil until her skin was red raw. She didn't know why she was so hard on herself but somewhere deep down she felt like she had to. She had to feel something, some kind of pain, to compensate for what had happened to Amanda. While the water poured down on her she remembered Amanda's seizure in the middle of the night and the tears started rolling down her face, lacing themselves with the water from the shower.

Eventually she turned off the tap, wrapped a towel around herself and walked into her bedroom. She grabbed a clean pair of jeans and a simple black sweater from her closet and threw them on. She brushed her hair and her teeth and stared into the mirror for a little while. All she saw was her own reflection and the tormented look in her eyes. They were the eyes of a woman who had seen too much, heard too much, knew too much. There were days where she was tired. Every day she was surrounded by the sick, perverted minds of people who did the most heinous things to others. Some days she wished she could just walk away but then, as that thought crossed her head, she also knew that she never really could. She cared too much about the victims. She wanted to bring them justice, make things better because she knew she could never make them right again, but she could make them better. It was why she did this job. Not just to clean the streets of perverts but to help those who had suffered and help them to turn the page of the book, to find a clean page and write their own story.

"You should eat something."

She turned around when she heard Alex's voice. The blonde ADA leant against the bathroom door. "You haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, Olivia. If I don't get any food into you they'll probably put you into a bed next to Amanda."

"Can we stop off at Jim's donut shop along the way?" Olivia asked and Alex smiled.

"Sure. My treat." Her blue eyes searched the room. "Anything you want to bring to the hospital?"

"I'll just take the bag you packed for me," Olivia answered and suddenly her brown eyes snapped up. A memory dawned on her. "How did you get into my apartment last night? I never gave you the key."

Alex blushed. "You never asked for it back when I left New York." She reached into her pocket and took the single key. She opened her hand and showed it to Olivia. "I kept it, in case of an emergency." She paused. "Do you want it back?"

"No," Olivia said. "You can keep it." She arched an eyebrow. "For emergencies."

Her phone chimed, announcing a text message, and she grabbed it off the bedside table. Her eyes briefly flashed back up to Alex when she saw Casey's name appear on the screen and quickly opened the message. _Heard what happened to Rollins. Anything I can do?_

There had been a time when a message like that would have led to something completely different. They had been each other's support but not in means of talking. Olivia sighed as she quickly typed a reply. _You can try and find me a new back. Those hospital chairs are a nightmare. Thanks for the offer._

She slipped the phone back in her pocket and started for the door. "I guess we'd better get back to the hospital."

"Cragen called this morning. Said he and Fin would be stopping by later. Amaro and Munch are caught up in the paperwork related to the shooting. Fin's had to recuse himself," Alex said as she followed Olivia out of the bedroom and back into the living area.

"Did he say if IAB found anything?" Olivia questioned.

Alex grinned. "You know IAB. They talk a good story…"

Olivia snorted to herself and held the door for Alex. She locked it behind them and they made their way down the flight of stairs. Once outside Olivia threw her bag in the trunk of Alex's car and climbed into the passenger's seat. It wasn't until she slammed the door that she heard and felt her stomach growl. It was loud and she apologetically glanced at Alex. The blonde ADA smirked.

"The quicker I get you to Jim's the better."

The donut shop that Olivia had mentioned was only two blocks from her apartment and Alex managed to find a parking spot on the already crammed car park. They went inside and Olivia ordered a box of various donuts as well as a cup of coffee. By the time she had made it back to the car she was already eating her second donut and sipped from the warm liquid. She reluctantly shared her breakfast with Alex as they drove across town back to the Upper East Side.

"I'll be back later today. Unfortunately the law considers a cop getting shot not serious enough for trial to be postponed and I'm due in court in..." Alex glanced at her watch as she dropped Olivia off outside the hospital. "An hour. I'll call you."

"Ok. Good luck," Olivia said as she closed the door and started making her way into the hospital. She took the elevator to the third floor and greeted the nurses in the ICU before reaching Amanda's room. A quick glance through the blinds told her that there were three people in the room, against doctor's orders. She recognised Cragen's trench coat and Fin's leather jacket and softly knocked the door before entering. Nancy's head whipped around when Olivia entered and she smiled.

"I brought breakfast," Olivia said and held up the box of donuts. When Fin eyed up her coffee she shook her head. "Get your own."

"Captain Cragen was just telling me how well Amanda has settled in here," Nancy said.

"Yes," Olivia agreed and perched herself on the armrest of Cragen's chair. "She's done very well."

"Doctor came in while you were out," Fin said. "Told us that her temperature has come down over night. He's not expecting any more seizures. If she keeps progressing like this they'll try and wake her up tomorrow."

Olivia nodded and her eyes were drawn to Amanda's face. The ventilator that helped her breath unnerved her. She didn't know what it was about the damned thing. Maybe it was because it made Amanda look weaker than she was. She knew that the blonde wouldn't want anyone thinking that she was weak. "I see. I suppose they won't know the extent of the damage until she's awake."

They all sat in silence for a little while before Cragen stood up and looked at Olivia. "I'll leave you and Mrs Rollins to keep an eye on Amanda here." Fin stood up too. "Unfortunately there is another pile of cases. Perps don't stop committing crimes just because the cops who catch them get shot."

"Get Amaro to drop off some of case files later today and I'll do what I can from here," Olivia said but Cragen shook his head. "Captain, I can work and keep an eye on Amanda at the same time."

"You've been taken off any of your on-going cases until further notice," Cragen said and before Olivia could object he added, "Consider it a vacation."

"Cap, before we leave, can I have a word with Liv?" Fin asked and Cragen nodded. Olivia followed the two of them out and Cragen carried on walking while Fin closed the door to Amanda's room behind him. His dark eyes found hers.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Before she got shot, Amanda came out looking for you," Fin said and Olivia furrowed her brow. She didn't remember seeing Amanda. "Amaro must have told her you'd gone out with Cabot because she told me she saw the two of you together."

"Oh God," Olivia whispered ad it dawned on her what Amanda must have seen. "She thought that Alex and I…"

Fin nodded.

Olivia looked through the blinds back into Amanda's room. "Did she go in because of what happened? I mean, did any of this cause her to…"

"I don't think so, Liv. Wyatt was goin' to shoot anyway and I think he wanted to take as many people with him as he could. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time." Fin put a hand on Olivia's shoulder. "This didn't happen because of you."

"But she wouldn't have been there if she hadn't come looking for me," Olivia whispered and a stray tear found its way down her cheek. "How am I going to tell her mother that Amanda was there because of me?"

"No one says you have to tell her," Fin reassured her. "We should be glad the bullets didn't do more damage." He squeezed her arm. "Go be with her. I know she'd want you to."

"Thanks, Fin," Olivia smiled and noticed that her hands were shaking when she reached for the door handle. Her heart was pounding in the back of her throat and she stepped back into the room. She closed the door behind her and forced herself to look at Nancy Rollins sitting at her daughter's bedside. The sight of a mother holding her daughter's hand struck her and for a moment she wondered what it would be like to have something like that.

"So the doctor said they are probably going to wake her up tomorrow," Nancy said and her blue eyes reflected her relief and her happiness. "I always worried about this day, you know. For a while I thought she was safe once she got that detective shield but I quickly learnt she was perhaps in more danger than she had ever been while still in uniform. Amanda always liked to look for the limit."

"How do you mean?" Olivia asked as she made her way across the room and sank back into the comfortable arm chair.

"Amanda liked extremes," Nancy smiled. It was the kind of a smile a mother had when she remembered her children when they were young. Olivia realised suddenly she had never really seen that smile on her own mother's face. To her own mother she had been a blessing as well as a curse and as she got older the curse part took over. "She started running when she was still in High School. Joined the athletics team when she fourteen until she graduated. I think she used it to get herself under control and forget about everything else that was going on in her life. It was her way out."

Olivia's detective brain read between the lines and she sensed there were things that Nancy was hinting at but didn't say out loud. She hesitated before saying, "She still runs now. I sometimes think it is her way of emptying her head and getting the frustrations out."

"It wasn't easy for Amanda growing up with Kim around," Nancy said. She gave Amanda a sideways glance. "Kim's schizophrenia started when Amanda was only fifteen. It was hard on all of us but Kim took up so much of our time that Amanda missed out, more than I would like to admit. Sometimes I think that's why she joined the force. When she told us she'd enlisted for the academy I was disappointed but there was no way I could change her mind. I realised much later that it had been her ticket out."

"I'm sorry," Olivia said softly. "It must have been hard."

"Looking back I think it was probably harder for Amanda than I thought," Nancy sighed. "Kim attacked her one night. Amanda was seventeen. Kim was suffering another one of psychotic episodes and had refused to take her medication for days. She'd been admitted only the week before but signed herself back out and walked home for thirty miles, in the pouring rain and without a coat. We tried and tried but because she was under eighteen the doctors didn't want to lock her up for her own good. We dragged her down to the nearest mental hospital the morning of her eighteenth birthday."

Olivia's eyes were drawn to Amanda's face. It was only now that she listened to Nancy that she discovered the young woman behind the mask. She had wondered about Amanda from the moment she arrived at SVU but Amanda had been reluctant to open up. She had only mentioned that she'd been assaulted back in Atlanta when Olivia had mentioned that she was assaulted herself. Ever since then she knew there were other demons following her. Demons Amanda didn't speak about.

Nancy sighed and stood up from her chair. "I'm going to get some coffee. Can I get you anything?"

"I'm fine, thank you," Olivia smiled and watched the older woman walk across the room. Once she was gone she looked back at Amanda and sighed.

"I bet you wouldn't be happy if you heard your mother talk to me, sharing all your secrets," she whispered as she reached for Amanda's hand. "I wish you felt like you could talk to me, Amanda. It is probably my own fault that you didn't feel like you could trust me." She took a deep breath and brought Amanda's hand to her lips and kissed it softly. "You can trust me, Amanda. You can trust your partner."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: **OK so I have seen the episode now and can we all just take a moment to think about may have happened in that car, over night? I mean, come on! They were out there, together, all night, in a car! I swear they want us to ship this because they are sure as hell throwing it at us! Anyway, back to the story. I am still amazed by all the wonderful reviews and comments I keep gettin' from all of you. I like how ya'll have taken a liking to Nancy. I just imagine this southern woman with a somewhat sharp voice but kind eyes. Anyway, this chapter is bound to bring on a few tears. You didn't think it was all going to be plain sailing, did ya?

* * *

**Chapter 12**

_It's the heart afraid of breaking_  
_ That never learns to dance_  
_ It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance_  
_ It's the one who won't be taken_  
_ Who cannot seem to give_  
_ And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live_  
_~Bette Midler - The Rose**  
**_

It was later that morning when Amaro and Munch came to visit. Olivia was just on her way back from the soda machine when she spotted the two detectives and she willingly allowed Munch to wrap her up in his arms. Amaro did the same and she felt a sense of relief to see them. She knew they were busy working the final bits of the case as well as all the other cases out there, including hers.

"How is she doing?" Munch asked as he and Amaro followed Olivia to Amanda's room.

"Doctor said they will try and wake her up tomorrow," Olivia said softly. She was tired and her body ached. She couldn't remember the last time she had spent this much time in a hospital and she prayed to God that she wouldn't have to do it again anytime soon. "Her fever's gone down and she's responding well to the medication. All things considered she's doing allright."

"She'll be talking again in no time," Amaro grinned and gave a tug on the Get Well Soon balloon he was carrying along. It was the type you'd buy in the hospital gift shop and the thing looked absolutely hideous but Olivia appreciated the gesture and she knew that once she was awake, Amanda would too. "I am beginning to miss that southern drawl of hers."

"How are things at the station?" Olivia asked just before stepping back into the room. Her dark eyes found Munch and she could see he looked weary.

"We picked up another case early this morning. Eight year old girl was found wandering the streets. So far she hasn't told anyone what happened or where she's from but she was covered in blood," Munch said and Olivia's face darkened. Cases involving children were always the worst. Munch put a hand on her arm. "We got this, Liv. Amanda needs you now."

"I know," Olivia sighed and opened the door. Munch reassuring her didn't change anything about the fact that she felt guilty for not being able to help them. "I know."

"You brought friends, I see," Nancy noticed when she looked up to find Olivia, Munch and Amaro walking into the room. She stood up out of her chair and shook their hands. Olivia did the introductions.

"Sergeant John Munch and Detective Nick Amaro."

"It's good to see Amanda has made so many friends here," Nancy said as she sank back into her arm chair and brushed a strand of blonde hair out of her eyes. As she did so Olivia noticed the lack of a wedding ring on her hand. Amanda had never mentioned that her parents were divorced. Then again, there were plenty of things the blonde woman hadn't shared. She swallowed and sat back down in her own chair.

"I saw Novak this morning," Nick said and Olivia's head whipped around at the mention of Casey. She hadn't seen the red haired ADA for days and since all of this happened she had barely text her. Casey hadn't replied to the message she had sent earlier, leaving her wondering if she knew about her and Amanda already even though she couldn't imagine who would have told her. "She had an arraignment first thing but she said she'd try and visit tonight."

Olivia nodded. "I'll look out for her."

They spent the next half an hour or so making small talk with Nancy but Olivia could sense that both Munch and Amaro felt like they were intruding on something personal. Just as they were about to leave one of the nurses came into the room carrying another bouquet of flowers. By now Amanda's room had started to look like a flower arrangement shop instead of a hospital room. Amaro had tied his balloon to the end of the bed.

Munch's phone vibrated and when he took it out of his pocket Olivia managed to catch a glimpse of Cragen's name flashing across the screen. Munch cast her an apologetic glance. "Duty calls."

"It's nice of you to have come, sergeant," Nancy said as she shook John's hand. She then turned to Nick. "And you, detective. We'll see each other again, I trust."

"Under better circumstances I hope," Nick said as he looked at Amanda. He had struggled to look at her. Ever since arriving at SVU he had always seen Amanda as the calm and collected one. He was the more unstable one, especially since his marriage had started to fall apart. Amanda had always looked reserved, almost distant at times. Ever since this happened he couldn't stop thinking that this should have happened to him, the reckless one, instead of to her. It was a feeling he couldn't shake.

"I'm going to get myself a coffee," Nancy said and she followed the two men out of the room. It gave Olivia some quiet time with Amanda and she waited for the door to close after the blonde's mother before taking Amanda's hand and taking it into her own.

"You sure know how to make people like you," she smiled and her eyes darted around the room. "The next time you want someone to send you flowers, why don't you just ask?" She took a deep breath. "I am so sorry about all of this, Amanda. I can't stop thinking that all of this is my fault. You wouldn't have been there if you hadn't come looking for me. If you hadn't seen me with Alex you wouldn't have gone with Fin. All of this happened because I pushed you away. You got hurt because of me."

The tears in her eyes were unexpected and she used her other hand to wipe over her eyes. She didn't want Nancy to see the red tear tracks on her cheeks when she came back. "This is what I do, Amanda. Whenever someone comes close, they get hurt. I know you know about me and Alex. Did I ever tell you that she got shot too? Every time I allow myself to become close to someone, to let them come close to me, something happens and it all falls apart. I don't know if I can keep doing that."

The door opened again and Nancy reappeared, clutching a cup of coffee. She walked around the bed and her gaze briefly fell on Olivia's hand holding Amanda's. A little smile tugged at her lips as she sat back down. "We haven't really had a chance to talk, have we?"

"It's all good," Olivia said, her thumb still drawing figures across Amanda's hand. "It's a lot to take in."

"I worried about Amanda when she moved to New York. I knew she was running away from something but we'd become strangers by then," Nancy said quietly and put her coffee down on the little bedside table. "I knew there were things she didn't tell me. By the time she left we hardly spoke anymore."

"She's found her place here," Olivia answered. She wasn't sure if it was really true. Fact was she hardly knew anything about Amanda at all but she'd like to think that she was happy here.

Nancy's blue eyes found Olivia's brown. "How long have you two been together?"

"Oh." Olivia hesitated. "I'm not… I mean… Things are a little complicated…"

Nancy's cheeks suddenly flushed red. "I'm sorry. I just assumed that when the nurses said Amanda's partner was with her that you were…"

Olivia reached into the pocket of her jeans and took out her badge. She smiled as Nancy began to understand what the term partners had really meant. "When I said partner back in the ER, I think the nurses there just assumed too." She sighed and looked at Amanda's face. "We were only just starting to figure it out."

"I'm sorry," Nancy apologised again. "I didn't mean to pry."

"You're her mother. You have every right to."

Nancy smiled. It was a sad smile. The kind of melancholy smile that hid a painful memory. "I wasn't sure if she was ever going to end up in another relationship after what happened with Carrie."

Olivia arched an eyebrow. "Carrie?"

Nancy picked up her coffee and her fingers caressed the plastic cup. "She didn't tell you?"

"Amanda's a very private person. We were only just beginning to get to know each other."

Nancy nodded. "I understand." She sipped her drink and the silence between her and Olivia lingered for a little while. When she looked up Olivia could see the hurt in her eyes. "Carrie is Amanda's ex. They were together for about three years. Typical country girl. Worn out jeans, boots and cowboy hats. She drove an old bashed pick-up around town. You get the idea."

Olivia grinned. "We don't get many of those in New York, I'm afraid."

"They lived together in an apartment in downtown Atlanta," Nancy said and her gaze fixed on her daughter's face. Amanda looked so peaceful. Olivia wondered how she would feel knowing that her mother revealed all her secrets. She had worked so hard to put her mask into place that Olivia almost regretted hearing all these stories. "Carrie broke Amanda's heart."

Those words made that she suddenly sat up straight. Unexplained anger boiled in the pit of her stomach. She realised with surprise that it was a mixture of jealousy and fury. Jealousy because there had been another woman who had once been part of Amanda's life. This woman had seen her at her most vulnerable. She had seen her cry and she had made her laugh. The same way Alex had seen her. Suddenly she understood Amanda's reaction. Everything made sense. On the other hand she was angry because this woman had hurt Amanda. She had caused her pain.

"Amanda had been working Sex Crimes for two years and she spent some time undercover tryin' to bust a prostitution ring. She couldn't tell anyone about until after. One night she got home and found another girl in her shower." Nancy sighed. "She walked out there and then. Carrie had been playin' her for months. She stayed with us for a couple of weeks before moving in with a buddy from Atlanta PD. After that we barely heard from her and then suddenly she decided to move to New York."

Olivia looked at Amanda. She'd had a life before coming to New York she knew nothing about. She had scars on her soul and demons that haunted her. She never told Amanda about her own troubled and dark past. Amanda didn't know about her mother or her father or her brother. She knew she would have to someday but she was afraid that the ghosts of her own past would be too tarrying for Amanda to face. Not many people chose to stick around after learning the truth about Olivia Benson.

"We all have secrets," she whispered and remembered the woman who had spoken those words to her earlier that year. The memory of Paula Foster was a painful one. She had liked her. She had even felt sorry for her but her cop instinct had gotten the better of her. She did what she had to do, even if it left her with a sense of guilt. "It is human nature."

Ever since her arrival, she had listened to Nancy telling stories about Amanda's childhood. She imagined a bright, happy blonde little girl, playing in her back yard before the demons of her life started to take hold. Amanda's life had been overshadowed by her sister's illness and it had damaged her in ways Olivia wasn't sure she would ever understand. Nancy's stories became darker as the time progressed and the tales about both Kim and Amanda's suffering became more horrific.

Olivia felt like a stranger walking into Amanda's life. A part of her felt like she didn't deserve to be here. Somewhere deep down she felt as if she shouldn't be part of any of this. Amanda had never shared these things with her and suddenly her life had been exposed. Her mask had been removed, her complicated layers peeled away. This was a side of Amanda she didn't know – a side the blonde hadn't been ready to share with her.

Olivia remembered the kiss in the toilets back at Malone's. It was what had started all of this. She regretted pushing Amanda away when all she really wanted was to hold her close. The second their lisp touched she felt the happiest she had been in years. She's forgotten she could feel this way, void of the emotional turmoil left behind by Elliot's leaving and the broken pieces of her life. In that one moment there had been just her and Amanda but then the darkness came back and it sucked all the happiness away from her. It was that ancient fear of losing something she had grown to care for so much. She couldn't bear the thought.

Nancy looked at Olivia and noticed the distant look in her eyes. In the hours she had spent in the same room with her she had seen how she looked at Amanda. Her brown eyes reflected the kind of love Nancy had always wished her daughter would find but she could also see the doubts and the fear. Olivia Benson was a damaged woman, much like Amanda.

"Life has not been kind to you, has it?" she suddenly said and Olivia's coffee coloured eyes snapped back to reality.

"No," Olivia answered softly and swallowed. "No, it hasn't."

"You know what they say about damaged people?" Nancy asked and Olivia shook her head. "They say damaged people are dangerous because they know how to survive."

"Are they?" Olivia asked and looked down at her hand still holding Amanda's. "Or are they cowards because they have been damaged so much they keep running away from everything that's good in their lives?"

~()~

The hours started to pass and darkness fell outside. The New York skyline outside Amanda's window was lit up with millions of lights and Olivia found herself standing by the window in an attempt to straighten her back. She had lived in this city all of her life. She was born and raised here. New York was her home, it was in her blood. From where she stood she turned back towards the bed. Amanda was a stranger to this city, still finding her way around. She wanted to be there for her, help her find it.

The door opened and a nurse Olivia knew was called Sinead appeared. "How are things in here?"

"Still the same," Nancy answered as Sinead checked the status at the end of her bed.

"The latest blood results are good," Sinead said. "I just spoke to Doctor Ward and he'll be here shortly. He has decided we'll remove the ventilator and reduce the medication that is keeping her asleep."

Olivia walked back to the bed. Tiredness was written across her face. "When will she wake up?"

"Hopefully tomorrow morning."

"Ok."

There was another soft knock on the door and Doctor Ward appeared. He smiled when he saw Olivia and Nancy and approached the bed. "Did Sinead tell you what we're about to do?" The two women nodded. "You may want to wait outside. Seeing someone being extubated can be a rather unpleasant experience and I don't want to make things any harder for you than they already are. It should only take a few minutes."

Olivia and Nancy left the room and the older woman closed the door behind them. This would only take a few minutes and they would be back with Amanda soon. The next time they saw her she'd be breathing on her own and many of the tubes and wires would have been removed.

"You ok?" Nancy asked and put a hand on Olivia's arm.

The brunette detective looked like a deer caught in headlines and blinked. "Yeah."

"It will be over soon," Nancy said comfortingly and squeezed Olivia's arm. "You'll see."

They made their way to the soda machine together and Olivia got herself another diet coke. Between the caffeine in the soda and the coffee, the two drinks had become her lifeline whilst being here. She lived on them and the awful sandwiches from the hospital cafeteria. As she stood by the machine she tried not to look over her shoulder at Amanda's room and imagine what was happening in there. She had seen the procedure done once or twice on victims who had been assaulted badly. As the tube was removed from their throat they would often struggle to breath, taking ragged and shallow breaths. The sound was terrifying and the mere thought sent shivers down her spine.

About ten minutes past until Sinead came to find them. A smile lingered on her lips. "She's breathing on her own now and doing brilliantly. We've stopped her medication but it will take some time to get out of her system. When she wakes tomorrow morning she will probably still be groggy and tired and may slip back into another sleep. It will be a couple of days or so before she'll be fully alert."

"You go and see her," Nancy urged and reached into her bag to take out her cigarettes. She'd only gone out to smoke a handful of times since arriving but Olivia had recognised the small behaviours of someone in desperate need of their nicotine fix. "I'll be back in a little while. I'm going to call her father and her sister and tell them how she's doing."

"Ok," Olivia smiled and she followed Sinead back to Amanda's room. Stepping inside was like a different experience. All the machinery had been removed from Amanda's body. There were no more wires coming out of her chest or tubes sticking out of her throat. Now that the monotone beeping of the heart monitor had been stopped Olivia suddenly realised how quiet it was in here. She had gotten used to the sound, telling her that Amanda's heart was beating normally, and the silence made her uncomfortable.

"If she wakes up without any problems she will be transferred to another unit tomorrow evening," Sinead said and looked at Amanda. "She's one of the lucky ones. Not many people get to leave ICU just after a couple of days. Amanda's a fighter."

"She is," Olivia smiled as she sat back down in her chair. "She sure is."

Sinead left her alone with Amanda and Olivia's hand trailed up along the blonde woman's arm, along her collar bone and up to her face. Soft fingertips grazed across warm cheeks and she smiled. Now that the machines were gone she finally believed that Amanda was going to be allright. Until now the fear had still held her heart hostage but it was slowly letting go. She released her breath and felt the tears well up in her eyes.

"If I could take any of this back, I would," she whispered and tenderly pressed her lips down on Amanda's forehead. "I never meant for any of this to happen to you. If I had just listened to you…" She tried to swallow her tears. "I'm sorry, Amanda, for everything. I know you probably won't agree with me but I did this to you. This happened because of me. I can never change that and I can never change it back."

"Everybody I ever loved always ended up leaving me. You almost left me, even if it wasn't your choice. It's what happens in my life, Amanda. Everything always falls apart. Maybe things like this, good things, just aren't meant for me. Maybe you aren't meant for me because you are one of those good things too. Maybe the best thing that's happened to me in the last two years. I can't risk losing that. I can't risk losing you. I don't know what I'd do."

Olivia slowly removed the fine golden ring she wore on her right hand and held it between her fingers for a moment before carefully slipping it on Amanda's right ring finger. The warm shade of the gold formed a beautiful contrast against the pale tones of Amanda's skin.

"I want you to know that I was here, even if I won't be here when you wake up," she whispered as she leant in and carefully kissed Amanda's lips. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I'm sorry I fell in love with you and you got hurt. I'm sorry for all the pain I have already caused and the pain I will cause after today. You deserve more than that, better than that."

Her tears dripped down onto the blonde woman's face and Olivia wiped them away, a broken smile lingering on her lips. She let Amanda's hand slide out of her own and turned to pick up her coat. She took the weekend bag that stood by the door, opened it and stepped outside. She rested with her back against it for a few seconds before making her way across the ICU towards the elevator.

She never looked back.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's note: **It was very important for me to show the vulnerable side of Olivia. She has suffered a lot throughout the years and she has lost a lot people around her, in one way or another. I don't think she always dealt with those losses very well and at this point all that comes out. I always wanted to bring everything together, sort of like completing the pieces of Olivia's life and making it whole. This is the start of that. Enjoy.

Also, I have been waiting for the right moment in the story to add the lyrics to the song Mandy. It is finally here. :-)

* * *

**Chapter 13**

_I'm standing on the edge of time_  
_ Walked away when love was mine_  
_ Caught up in a world of uphill climbing_  
_ The tears are in my eyes_  
_~Barry Manilow - Mandy**  
**_

Her head hurt like someone had hit her with a baseball bat. The bright light hurt her eyes and she reached up to shield them. The pain was sharp and she groaned. Her eyes felt heavy and a part of her brain just wanted to slip back into the comfortable slumber. It felt like emerging from a pool of ice cold water and the sudden gulp of air she took in sent an intense pain into her stomach. Tears sprang into her eyes and she tried to blink them away. The pain faded enough to be bearable and she tried to speak. The back of her throat was dry like a desert and she struggled to form the words.

"Amanda?"

The voice called from the distance and she struggled to focus. She heard it but her sight hadn't quite returned. Slowly she turned her head and lowered her hand. The lights had been dimmed and no longer hurt her eyes. A figure started appearing from the fog before her eyes and she blinked a couple more times. Slowly the image sharpened.

"Mom?" she whispered. It hurt to speak. Her lips were dry and the strange taste in the back of her throat was sickening. She searched for something to drink, her hand weakly padding the mattress. Tired blue eyes darted around the room. She didn't know where she was. This wasn't her bed. She didn't remember how she ended up here. She didn't even know where here was. "Water."

"Here," the figure answered and a soft hand brushed against her own as the cup of water was put between her fingers.

Her hand trembled as she brought it to her lips. When she felt the liquid on her tongue she eagerly drank it. It felt cold sliding down her throat and it brought her back to her senses. Her vision continued to sharpen and she finally managed to recognise the person standing at the side of her bed. Although she looked tired and broken, her mother's smile was still as heart-warming and Amanda slowly put down the cup.

"What the hell happened?" she groaned and looked around. This was a hospital rooms. The walls were painted in that horrible sterile white and the simple blankets were clearly standard issue. She wasn't wearing any of her own clothes and her body ached in places she didn't even know existed. "Where am I?"

"You were shot," Nancy said softly and took Amanda's hand into her own. Suddenly a pair of bright blue eyes found her own. She looked terrified. "Two days ago. The doctors looked me things didn't look too good at first but you pulled through."

"How?" Amanda whispered. "I don't remember…" Her hand slowly moved towards her abdomen and came to a rest across the wound she felt underneath her gown. The dressing was right there, underneath her fingers. The pain in shoulder was dull and told the silent story of yet another injury.

"You got hit twice," Nancy replied and her hand moved to Amanda's shoulder. "The first one went straight through. It didn't do much damage, the doctors said. The second one went into your stomach." Her hand covered her daughters. She was so glad and relieved she still got to do this. She was grateful she still got to look into Amanda's eyes. "It damaged your spleen and you lost a lot of blood. They had to remove it and…" She paused and remembered the seizures. Amanda picked up on her hesitation straight away.

"And what?" she pushed. There was an urgency to her voice. She needed to know. For a moment she was scared. "_What else_, mom?"

"You suffered a seizure during the surgery because of your low blood pressure," Nancy said and her eyes suddenly swam with tears. "Then once you were here you had another one." She took a deep breath. "I got on the first flight out of Atlanta when Captain Cragen told me. When I got here, Olivia was here."

"Liv?" Amanda breathed and her eyes darted hopefully around the room, looking for the brunette detective. Her heart sank in disappointment when she realised there was nobody else here. "Liv was here?"

"She never left," Nancy smiled. "Not until late last night."

Amanda's eyes found her mother's. "Where is she now?"

Nancy averted her gaze and stared at the floor. After she'd come back from calling her ex-husband and daughter she'd found Amanda's room empty. Olivia's bag was gone. She'd gone back to ask the nurses if any of them knew where Olivia had gone but none of them had actually seen her leave. She returned to Amanda's room and sat at her daughter's bedside, thinking about the reasons why the other woman had left. It was only then that she had noticed the golden ring on Amanda's finger and the pieces began to fall into place.

"I don't know," Nancy replied and swallowed hard. "I don't know where she is, Mandy. She left without saying where she was going."

Amanda didn't answer. The little flutter of hope she had felt in her heart when her mother had mentioned Olivia died as quickly as it had appeared. She sank back into the pillows of her bed. The drowsiness overwhelmed her and she fought to hold on, to stay awake, but her eyes were heavy. She was so tired and her body protested as she tried to move. She needed to sleep. She heaved a sigh as she slowly closed her eyes, her hand still holding Nancy's. She drifted back off into a world that didn't know the pain of her injuries or the fact that she missed Olivia. She slipped back into a peaceful slumber without noticing the golden ring now sitting around her finger.

Nancy leant back in her chair. Although she had not seen Amanda for almost two years she still knew her daughter well enough to recognise the hope in her eyes. The second Olivia's name had slipped past her lips Amanda's face had lit up. She had seen the way Olivia looked at her daughter. It was the same flicker of hope she now saw in Amanda's eyes. Whatever had pulled her out of this room and drove her away from her daughter's bedside was something Nancy didn't understand but she had spent enough time around Kim and Amanda to recognise a tormented soul when she saw one. Olivia was damaged too and whatever had happened in her past was most likely the reason she had left. The golden ring around Amanda's finger was the only reminder that Olivia hadn't quite given up hope when she walked away.

~()~

"Isn't it a little early to be drinking?"

Casey walked into the bar in Chelsea wearing her favourite jeans and a grey sweater. Her dark red hair had been recently cropped short and was a sharp contrast against the cream tones of her skin. She slipped into the chair next Olivia's and studied the empty whiskey glass in front of her.

"If you haven't slept does it then mean its late and drinking is perfectly allright?" Olivia asked and glanced at the woman sitting beside her. She half and half regretted texting Casey, asking her to meet her here but she didn't know what else to do. She couldn't face Alex, knowing that the blonde would drag her back to the hospital. She couldn't go back there. Her text message to Casey had been short but clear. She knew the younger woman would respond to her _I need you. _

She had sent it with the intention of it leading to something else. A part of her craved it. To be touched without meaning. To be held, to feel sheltered. But now that she sat here she realised that she couldn't. Not with Casey, not with anyone. She regretted sending the message now, knowing she had probably given the young ADA the wrong ideas.

Casey reached for the glass and took it from Olivia's hand. "You look like hell, Liv."

"Thanks. You look great too."

"Amaro told me what happened to Rollins," Casey said and the mention of the southern detective brought sadness to Olivia's eyes. She frowned. "Am I missing something here, Liv?"

"I don't know," Olivia sighed and rubbed her eyes. Her body was screaming for rest. She was desperate for sleep and borderline delusional. She knew that lack of sleep was dangerous. It altered a person's judgement and perception and the fact that she had drunk three glasses of whiskey in the early morning and on an empty stomach didn't help matters very much.

"Something going on between you two?" Casey asked. There was a hint of aggression in her voice. She and Olivia had never been exclusive and this was perfectly allright with Casey but she couldn't help but feel possessive. What she and Olivia had was purely for fun, a way to release the stress and anguish of a tormenting and confronting job. They had never asked any questions and neither had ever doubted that it didn't go beyond casual sex.

"I thought there could be but I screwed up. I always screw up," Olivia's voice was thick with sleep and alcohol. "Everyone that ever means anything to me always ends up getting hurt. She is lying in a hospital bed because of me!"

"Did you shoot her?" Casey asked but Olivia shook her head. "Then how is this your fault?"

"It just is!" Olivia objected. She made a dramatic hand gesture. "Have you looked at my track record when it comes to relationships? None of them ever lasted. Most of them got hurt along the way. I always end up doing something to hurt them." She swallowed. "Even the ones I never ended up in a relationship I still managed to hurt at times."

"You never hurt me," Casey said and leant in a little closer. "Not unless I wanted you to."

"Have you ever felt like maybe finally something could be right but you know you don't deserve it?" Olivia asked. Her speech became more and more slurred as she carried on talking. The look in her eyes was dazed and Casey didn't know if it was the whiskey or the lack of sleep. "I know I'm going to end up hurting her again and she deserves better than that. I can't keep hurting, Casey. I can't."

"OK, I've had enough of this," Casey decided and slid out of her chair. She took Olivia's arm, draped it around her shoulders and forced the older woman to stand up. "I am going to buy you a coffee and then I'm taking you home. You're going to sleep this whole damn thing off and you and I will talk about this when you are actually capable of remembering your own name."

Olivia reluctantly allowed Casey to help her out of the bar. Her car was parked in the parking lot around the corner and she helped Olivia into the passenger seat. She strapped her into the seatbelt before walking around the vehicle and getting into the driver side. By the time she had put the key in the ignition and looked at Olivia, the brunette's head was resting against the widow and she appeared to be asleep.

She stopped off at the first coffee bar she came past, ordered Olivia a black coffee and woke the detective when she got back to the car. Olivia sniffed at the cup and pulled up her nose but one look at Casey's face made that she carefully sipped from the hot liquid anyway. She continued to drink as Casey drove her back to her apartment. It was a route the ADA was well familiar with and she found it easily. She pulled up in front of the building and got out of the car. Olivia followed, a little unsteady on her feet.

"Give me the keys," Casey said softly as she noticed Olivia rummaging through her bag. She took them from the older woman's hands and unlocked the door to her apartment. Without asking she pushed Olivia across the living room towards the bedroom but the brunette slapped her hands away when she was about to help her remove her cardigan.

"I think I can manage," Olivia groaned.

"Fine," Casey stated and took a step back. Olivia's shaking fingers struggled with the button of her jeans but she resisted helping. "Get into bed. I don't want to see or hear you for the next six hours or so."

She turned around, left the bedroom and closed the door behind her. She made way into the small kitchen and poured herself a glass of juice from the fridge. Casey carried the glass into the living room and made herself comfortable on Olivia's couch. She dug her phone out of her pocket and scrolled through her address book before finding the person she was looking for. Alex Cabot.

_Meet me at Olivia's place when you're free. We need to talk._

The reply was almost immediate and Casey assumed that Alex wasn't in court this morning. _Why? What happened?_

She sighed as she typed the message. _Just picked her up in a bar in Chelsea. In a bad way. Could do with someone else here._

Alex' reply was quick and Casey half and half suspected that she was already in the car or on her way to the nearest subway station to get to Olivia's place. _I'll have Judge Hershaw adjourn court for the day. I'll state a family emergency. Hershaw is a sucker._

Casey put her phone down and rested her head against the pillows. She and Alex weren't exactly friends but they weren't enemies either. They had both worked for SVU and since Alex's return they had crossed paths on several occasions. A handful of times they had met outside of work. She couldn't believe Alex didn't know about her and Olivia but the detective had been adamant that Casey didn't tell her. Casey knew that Olivia had wanted to spare the other woman's feelings, leaving her to wonder about how Olivia really felt about her.

Over the last few weeks she had noticed a change in Olivia's behaviour. Their visits to the bar didn't automatically end in a night together anymore and on the rare occasions that it did, Olivia would never take her back to her own apartment and she stopped spending the night too. Casey had seen the way her eyes followed Amanda Rollins around the squad room during the handful of times she visited SVU and she didn't have to be a genius to understand what had changed.

She always knew this would happen. She never once thought she'd be the one to tame Olivia's wild heart. She was pretty damn sure she didn't want to be that person either but something about losing the detective to someone else caused her to hurt inside. Sure, there had been others who took Olivia's place. Her contact list was rather extensive, though most people would never guess that behind the cool and collected façade a different kind of woman lived.

Casey sighed and picked up her phone again. She typed up another message and sent it to Cragen. _Took Liv home. 911._

Her phone started vibrating maybe a minute after sending the message and Cragen's name flashed across her screen. She answered, making sure to keep her voice low so Olivia wouldn't hear her. "You got my message?"

"How bad?"

"Drunk in a bar in Chelsea at eight am this morning."

"That bad?"

"That bad."

Cragen took a deep breath. "Where is she now?"

"In bed. I took her home. Cabot's on her way."

"You think you got a chance talking to her?" Cragen asked. "This is Liv, Casey."

"I know. She's taking this whole thing with Rollins very hard." Casey ran her hand through her hair. "Seems there's a lot going on we know nothing about. She said anything to you before all of this?"

"You know Liv. She doesn't talk to anyone. Always thinks she can solve things on her own. She hasn't been the same since Elliot left. For a while I thought was starting to get back on track but she seems to have gone off the rails in the last few weeks," Cragen answered. "She asked to be split from Rollins."

The pieces started to fall together and Casey glanced in the direction of Olivia's bedroom. "I think I'm beginning to understand." She sighed. "I'll call you when she's awake. You know she's going to try and turn up for work, right?"

"I know. When Nancy Rollins called to ask if I'd seen Liv, I figured she'd be in here soon enough," Cragen answered. "When she does I'll make sure she only does paperwork. I can't force her to stay at home, Casey. At least here I can keep an eye on her."

Casey nibbled on her bottom lip. "It's the same spiral every time. She'll try and bury herself in work." Her eyes snapped up when she heard a soft stumbling noise in the bedroom. "I gotta go. I'll call you later." She hung up, slipped off the couch and padded across Olivia's apartment towards the bedroom. She carefully opened the door and peered inside. Olivia walked back from the adjoining bathroom, a glass of water in her hand. Bloodshot eyes met Casey's as she slipped back into bed.

"Hold me?" she whispered. Casey could hear the tears in her voice. "Please, Casey?"

Casey hesitated before crossing the room and climbed onto the bed. Olivia lay on her side, her back turned towards the red haired ADA. Casey's arm snaked around Olivia's waist and she buried her face in Olivia's neck. It wasn't a touch of love. This was a broken woman seeking comfort. From the soft shaking of her body Casey could tell that Olivia was crying. She didn't say anything. She just held her, like a friend needed to be held in a time of pain and loss.

Casey didn't move until she heard the soft but persistent knocking on Olivia's door. She quietly slipped off the bed and walked through the apartment to the door. She peered through the peephole and recognised Alex. She quickly opened the door and the two women sized each other up for a couple of seconds, silently determining that they were not each other's enemy.

"Thanks for letting me know," Alex said as she shrugged herself out of her black coat. She was dressed in a simple white sweater and a pair of lose fitting slacks. Her blonde hair was bound back in a ponytail. "How is she?"

"Asleep," Casey said softly and she and Alex walked into Olivia's living room.

"I should have seen this coming," Alex sighed. "All the signs were there but still I didn't see it."

"This is about Rollins, isn't it?" Casey asked and Alex nodded.

"Yes, this is about Rollins but I also think it's about everything else. I think that Liv's feelings for Amanda were the catalyst for a whole sequence of events, the aftermath of which we're seeing now. She never dealt with losing Elliot the same way she never dealt with losing…" Alex paused and blue eyes found Casey's green.

"You." Casey said it very softly.

"Yes," Alex admitted and fumbled with her hands. "What are we going to do now?"

Casey took a deep breath. "I have no idea but we're going to have to do something. We can't just let her carry on like this."


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note:** Well, ya'll must know how much I love you. I wrote this update on my birthday – which is today. It took me a while to get the words out because this was, strangely enough, the hardest chapter to write so far. I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Chapter 14**

_Look at what love has done to me_  
_I am not who I used to be_  
_Everything is changing_  
_And I will never be the same_  
_Look at what love has done to us_  
_Will we ever learn to trust_  
_~Patty Smyth - Look What Love Has Done**  
**_

When she woke again it was late in the afternoon. Her eyes were heavy and her throat dry but this time it was easier to pull herself out of the slumber. She felt surprisingly refreshed and strong and she pushed herself up a little, ignoring the pain in her arm as she did so. Amanda's blue eyes darted around the room and found her mother curled up in one of the arm chairs, reading a magazine. Nancy's head whipped around when she heard her daughter shuffle in the bed and smiled.

"You're awake."

"Barely," Amanda groaned and rubbed her forehead. "What time is it?"

"Four in the afternoon," Nancy answered and pulled her chair towards the bed. "You were asleep for some time. How are you feeling?"

"I'll get back to you on that," Amanda answered wearily and let one of her hands trail across the gun shot on her abdomen. "Did I miss dinner?"

"You've got your appetite back," Nancy grinned and pressed the bell attached to Amanda's bed. Across the ICU a light went on in the nurse's station and she knew someone would come and see them soon. "That's a good sign."

Amanda's gaze fell on her hands as she adjusted the blankets around her and she frowned. The golden ring around her finger was new. She had never seen it before. Not on her finger at least. Tentatively she touched it. The metal felt warm under her fingertips. Slowly she turned it round and round her finger, the light reflecting in its golden surface. A sudden image struck her of someone else doing the very same thing to this ring. It had once sat on another's hand. Olivia's hand.

Her blue eyes found her mother's and she saw her looking. "Have you heard from Liv?"

Nancy shook her head. "I'm sorry, darlin'. I called Captain Cragen but he said he didn't know where she was."

"She left," Amanda whispered and chewed her bottom lip. "She left me."

Nancy took a deep breath. "She was here for a long time, Mandy. She sat at your bedside, held your hand. When I first got here I found her asleep on your bed. She refused to leave your side until there was somebody else to take her place and even then she didn't want to leave." Seeing the hurt in daughter's eyes was heart breaking. She had seen the same hurt in Olivia's eyes. "She was here, Amanda. She was here with you."

"But she's not here now!" Amanda exclaimed and attempted to remove the ring from her finger but it didn't give way. "She left her damn ring but she's not here. Why is she not here? Where is she?!"

"I wish I knew," Nancy answered. She reached for her daughters hand and took it into her own. She felt Amanda jerk away but held on, stopping her from pulling away completely. "You didn't see what I saw, Amanda. The way she looked at you. She must have had good reasons for leaving. Maybe something happened at work."

"Then Cragen would have known where she was," Amanda countered and heaved a sigh. "Olivia left because of something else. You know it and I know it. I also know that there's something you're not telling me." At that moment Nancy realised just how much Amanda was like herself. She knew that piercing glare, having used it on her ex-husband and children so many times. "What is it? What happened?"

Nancy apologetically looked at her daughter. "I told her about Carrie."

"You did _what?!"_ Amanda stared at her mother in shock. "What the hell did you do?"

"Amanda, I was trying to…"

"Get out!" Amanda snapped and the tears in her eyes reflected her anger and her hurt. Nancy seemed taken aback by her daughter's sudden anger but she slowly stood up from her chair. She was however reluctant to leave and remained standing at her daughter's bedside. Amanda's blazing eyes found her mother's once again. "I said, get out!"

Nancy admitted defeat and hung her head as she reached for her coat and bag. She swung them over her shoulder and without looking at Amanda she started for the door. She almost walked into the nurse who responded to the bell being pressed and avoided making eye contact. She hesitated long enough to hear the nurse ask Amanda if everything's allright and true to her stubborn nature she heard her daughter reply that she was fine. She softly closed the door behind her and walked across the ICU towards the coffee machine.

Amanda's anger wasn't new to her. Throughout her teenage years Amanda had been nothing but angry and over the years Nancy had learnt to understand it. Life hadn't been fair on her daughter for most of the time and what had happened to her now wasn't fair either. She had hoped that after seeing Olivia together with her daughter that things had finally taken a turn for the better. Olivia appeared stable and settled. She was the kind of woman who could give Amanda the stability and safety she so desperately craved. Had she been so wrong about the brunette? Had she mistaken the love she saw in her eyes or had Olivia worn her mask, the same way Amanda did?

She looked up to see the nurse leaving Amanda's room but resisted going back in. Knowing Amanda, she wanted to be alone right now. It was what she did. She handled everything on her own, reluctant to accept a helping hand, afraid to be perceived as weak.

Back in her room Amanda stared at the flowers and cards that had accumulated over the past few days. She had no memory of arriving here. She could barely remember what happened but the wounds on her shoulder and in her abdomen were a clear indication of what went down. The pain was dull. It only became sharp when she moved and she had already figured out that it was most bearable if she kept as still as possible.

She looked down at the ring on her hand. She had seen it on Olivia's hand on a daily basis and to see it on her own was unsettling in a way. Amanda carefully touched the ring. The first desire to remove it had worn off. Olivia had wanted to tell her something. She wanted her to know she'd been here, that she was still here somehow, even though she was gone.

"Why did you leave?" Amanda whispered. "Where are you now?"

~()~

Olivia sat up, feeling slightly disorientated. Her head was pounding and she had a horrible taste in her mouth. It was the kind of taste you'd experience after a night of drinking and she rolled onto her back before reaching for the glass of water she kept on her bedside table. The liquid did very little to get rid of the horrible taste in mouth and she smacked her lips a couple of times. They were dry and felt chipped. With a soft groan she sat up. The room started spinning and the sudden wave of nausea caught her by surprise. She slipped out of bed and rushed towards the bathroom. Her stomach emptied itself into the sink as she clung onto it for dear life.

She ran the tap before reaching for her toothbrush and toothpaste. She welcomed the spearmint taste into her mouth, battling the sour aftertaste of the vomit. Whilst still brushing she switched on the shower and got undressed, Olivia rinsed out of her mouth before stepping into the cubicle. The hot water on her skin was relaxing and her eyes fluttered shut. The muscles in her back and neck slowly eased and the pain she felt in her joins began to fade.

She washed her hair and sponged herself down. The water was comforting and she didn't want to leave the shower but after about ten minutes Olivia turned off the water, wrapped a towel around herself and walked back into her bedroom. She chose some simple underwear before picking a pair of grey sweatpants and a black long sleeved hooded top from her closest and putting on some socks. She glanced at the bed. It was unmade. She lacked the energy to do anything about it and her eyes darted to the alarm clock. Half past four. She had slept all day.

Olivia left her bedroom and walked into her living room. She froze when she discovered the two women sitting on the couch and shook her head. "Please tell me I'm dreaming."

"That must be one hell of a dream," Casey said. She had pulled her legs up underneath herself as she shared the couch with Alex. The blonde woman's knees were pulled up to her chest and she draped a blanket across her legs. Two empty coffee mugs stood on the table. A fresh pot waited in the kitchen.

"What the hell are you two doing here?" Olivia asked and rubbed the back of her head.

"I picked you up this morning, remember?" Casey asked and watched recognition dawn in Olivia's eyes. "I was worried about you and called Alex." Green eyes searched the detective's face. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a truck," Olivia groaned. "Do I smell coffee?"

A smile tugged at Alex's lips. "In the kitchen."

Olivia padded across her apartment and found the fresh pot brewing. She picked a cup from the cupboard, poured it and walked back into the living room. The strangeness of seeing Casey and Alex sitting on her couch was startling and unnerving to say the least. The two women had never been at her apartment at the same time and she couldn't remember Casey ever having stayed long enough to make herself at home. She and Alex had shared their time between both their apartments, with the majority spent at Alex's place because it was bigger. Olivia nervously looked from the blonde ADA to the red-haired one.

"What is this? Some kind of intervention?"

"I picked you up from a bar at Chelsea at eight o'clock in the morning," Casey stated and her green eyes found Olivia's brown. "Drunk."

Olivia's eyes darkened. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"Like leaving Amanda in the hospital?" Alex was quick to respond.

"If either one of you thinks I am going to sit here and pour my heart out, you have another thing coming," Olivia answered defensively and sipped from her coffee. "Whatever happened between me and Amanda is my business and mine alone." She set her jaw when she noticed the two women share a look. For a moment she wondered if they had talked about what they were going to do or say while she was asleep.

"We're worried about you, that's all." Casey said it with such softness that Olivia's eyes were drawn to her face. She could see the look in her eyes. She had only ever seen it when Casey dealt with victims, when she knew that the hardest part of a trial was still to come. "What happened to Amanda wasn't your fault, Liv. You didn't fire a gun at her."

"I don't want to talk about it," Olivia said dismissively and glanced at the TV, Alex and Casey had been watching some badly orchestrated cop show and her stomach turned. She hated watching things that were not a decent representation of what things were really like. It gave people the wrong ideas. "I appreciate you two staying here but I'm fine. I'm a big girl. I can take a hit."

Alex glanced at Casey as if to say, "I told you she was going to say that." The redhead nodded.

"Liv," Alex tried and the brunette looked at her. "Why don't you go and see her? Cragen called and said she's awake. She's been asking for you."

Olivia's features suddenly softened and Alex realised she had hit a nerve. The hurt in Olivia's eyes was unlike anything else she had ever seen. The night they had been forced to say goodbye, the night she was placed in Witness Protection, was the first time she had seen real hurt in Olivia's eyes but what she saw now was different. The mask began to slip and revealed some of the pain she had been hiding underneath.

"I don't want to see her."

Casey shook her head. "Maybe it isn't about what you want. Maybe it's about what Amanda wants."

"It would be best if I didn't see her." Olivia turned away from the two women. "I want you to leave."

"Liv, please don't do this…" Alex stood up and walked over to the brunette. She reached for Olivia's arm but she pulled away. Alex's hand dropped back by her side, the rejection evident in her eyes. "Don't do this to yourself, Olivia. You can't keep doing this. You can't keep hurting. The pain is going to be overwhelming and it will suffocate you."

"How do you know?" Olivia snapped. Her voice was laced with tears. "How do you know how it feels?"

"Because once I was forced to walk away from everything I had ever known. That night we said goodbye, you lost a lover and a friend, Olivia," Alex said. She didn't talk about her time in Witness Protection often. Some people didn't even know she had ever been in it. She chose not to talk about it. Not with anyone else but her therapist. It had taken her months to realise that she needed help to readjust to her old life. She wasn't the Alexandra Cabot she had been when she went into the Programme. "That night I lost everyone. I lost my friends and my family. My mother died while I was in the programme and I couldn't say goodbye. I lost myself. You mourned the loss of one person. I mourned the loss of everyone." Her breath hitched. "So yes, Olivia, I _do_ know how it feels to hurt inside."

Olivia slowly turned to look at Alex. This was the first time her former lover spoke about her time in the Programme like this. Never before had Alex let on that she had suffered so much. She had guessed, she had wondered, but Alex had never said a word. She swallowed. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," Alex said, knowing that Olivia's apology went well beyond what they had just spoken about. "Me too."

"Is this just about Amanda or is this about Elliot too?" Casey asked softly and she stood up too. Olivia's eyes found hers when the younger woman started walking towards her. "It's been two years, Olivia. He isn't going to come back."

"I know that," Olivia admitted. "He hasn't returned any of my calls. We were partners for twelve years and he never called me back." She swallowed. "How can it be so easy to walk away from something that was part of your life for so long?"

"Did you hear what you just asked yourself?" Alex asked. "Did you really listen to yourself?"

"I don't want to talk about it now," Olivia sighed and shook her head. "I appreciate you coming here but I think I'd rather be alone." Before Alex or Casey could object she shook her head. "I'm fine. I am going to go back to bed and tomorrow morning I'm going back to work. I just want life to go back to normal. Like it used to be." She lifted up her head. "Like it should be."

"Ok," Alex said and jerked her head towards the door. She and Casey picked up their coats and Olivia followed them. Once the two women stood outside in the corridor, Alex turned to look back at the detective. Olivia's eyes were hollow and empty and she felt a sense of grief settle in her chest. She knew what would come next. Olivia would try to destroy herself. She would bury herself in work until she forgot to eat or sleep and there was nothing she could do. Olivia needed to crash and burn before she could pick herself back up.

"Goodnight Liv," Casey said and she Alex started their way down the corridor. Once they had disappeared around the corner Olivia closed the door. She took a deep breath and slowly slid down to the ground, her back against the door. The tears were streaming down her face and she cried as her heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces in her chest.

~()~

With the passing of the hours came the darkness and Amanda watched how behind the glass the city's lights came on. Her mother hadn't come back since she sent her away and she started to regret her sudden outburst. Nancy had only been trying to help, in the only way she knew how. In the emptiness and loneliness of her hospital room she tried to imagine Olivia at her side. Whenever she called up the brunette's face she felt the tears behind her eyes. She caressed the ring around her finger and fought against the bitter sting of her tears. She didn't want to cry, no matter how much she hurt inside.

The longer she was awake, the more she remembered about the events leading up to the shooting. She remembered Olivia and Alex in the bar together, the blonde's hand covering Olivia's. How could she have been so wrong? How had she just assumed that they had been back together?

She was roused from her thoughts by the soft knock on the door and her eyes darted across the room. A brief spark of hope ignited in her chest only to die down when she recognised the nurse. The young woman smiled and Amanda smiled in return but she didn't feel happy. She felt miserable, sad and lonely.

"How are you feeling?" the nurse checked.

"Allright," Amanda lied. "

"Good," came the reply. "I spoke to Doctor Ward. He is impressed by you recovery and he's suggested we move you from the ICU."

"Wonderful," Amanda smiled and her eyes darted back to the door. "You haven't seen my mom, have you?"

"She's right outside."

"Could you ask her to come back in, please?" Amanda asked.

"Sure," the nurse answered. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No," Amanda whispered and her eyes drifted back to the window. Her voice was flat and hollow. "There is nothing else you can do."


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's note:** This story has been a wonderful little experience to write. The challenge of updating every day was difficult at times but it forced me to stay focused. I didn't expect things to turn out like this but it's been awesome. We're heading up towards the end of this story now but I have decided to write a sequel, which will be set a few months after the upcoming ending of this story. It will be titled Heart of Stone and will be darker than this story but it does feature Amanda and Olivia as a couple. I'll start writing as soon as I am finished with this story so don't ya'll go anywhere.

* * *

**Chapter 15**

_Hello, my friend, hello  
It's good to need you so  
It's good to love you like I do  
And to feel this way  
When I hear you say  
Hello_

_Hello, my friend, hello_  
_Just called to let you know_  
_I think about you every night_  
_And I know it's late_  
_But I couldn't wait_  
_Hello_

_~Neil Diamond - Hello_**  
**

It had been two weeks since she woke up in a hospital room. Two weeks of listening to her mother talk, of smiling to her co-workers and agreeing with what the doctor said. It had been the longest fourteen days in her life and now she stood at the side of her bed, zipping up her bag. She had found a way of using her left arm without hurting herself too much and if she didn't stand up for too long she could cope with the pain in her side. The painkillers numbed most of it and the wounds had started to show signs of healing but her body was still protesting against any sudden movement.

Amanda heaved a sigh and her gaze once again fell on the golden ring around her finger. She had waited for Olivia to come back but now, after two weeks, she began to realise that the brunette wasn't going to walk back into her room anymore. She had given up hope that she would see Olivia and now that she was about to go home she didn't care anymore. All she wanted was to get out of here, away from this place, and back home, whatever home was.

"You ready?" Nancy asked. She had been leaning against the doorframe and watched Amanda push the book she'd bought her in her bag. Dressed in grey sweatpants and a simple white t-shirt she looked brighter than Nancy ever remembered seeing her. The light pink blush had returned to her cheeks and she had bound her blonde hair in a ponytail.

Amanda looked up. "Just get me out of here."

"The car's parked out front," Nancy smiled and walked over to the bed. She picked up her daughter's bag and swung it over her shoulder. "Are you sure you want to go back to your apartment? I mean, I can book another room in the hotel if…"

"I just want to go home," Amanda sighed and glanced at her mother. "My home."

"You sure you don't want me to stay with you?" Nancy asked. It was the question of a worried mother. "I know the doctor said you're doing allright but I'd be happier if…."

"I'm a big girl, mom," Amanda smiled weakly. "I'll be happy to sleep in my own bed again."

Her head whipped up when she heard the soft knock on the door and felt her heart flutter in hope when she caught a glimpse of the two people standing outside. The first was Fin and her blue eyes lit up when she saw him. He didn't miss how she longingly looked over his shoulder, hoping that his companion was Olivia. He also didn't miss how her face fell when she saw Amaro. He averted his eyes. Amanda's disappointment was hard to take.

"Going someplace?" Amaro asked when he saw Nancy with the bag. He smiled. "They letting you out?"

"A day longer in here and they'd handcuff me to the bed," Amanda grinned and let her hand trail over the blankets that covered the bed. She had slept here for two weeks and now she was about to leave. She had found some of her strength and she couldn't wait to leave. The minute she had felt strong enough she started leaving her bed, much to the despair of the nurses. "What brings you here?"

"Just dropping by to see how you were doing," Amaro said. "Do you need a hand with that, Mrs Rollins?"

"Oh, if you don't mind…" Nancy said and let the bag slide off her shoulders. "Mandy, darlin', I'll go find a nurse and sign your discharge papers. I'm sure Detective Amaro wouldn't mind carrying the bag to the car." She smiled sweetly at Nick and he returned the smile. Together they left Amanda's room and she blonde turned towards Fin.

"I'll be glad to be rid of her," Amanda groaned. "I forgot how irritating she can be."

"It's what mother's do," Fin answered. "They are supposed to annoy you."

"It's a good thing she isn't coming to stay at my place." Amanda took a deep breath. "Homicide is up to their eyeballs in work as it is."

Fin flashed a smile. "Captain wanted me to tell you that you are on two more weeks' vacation before he'll even consider you doing desk duty." He arched an eyebrow. "Understood?"

"Yes sir," Amanda smiled. "I guess you guys are not allowed to talk about work in front of me, eh?"

"He never said that." Fin patted Amanda on her arm. "Want me to walk you out?"

"Have you seen Liv?" The question just rolled off her tongue and Amanda stopped dead in her tracks when she realised it. Her blue eyes found Fin's dark orbs and he could see the sudden hurt. Her cheeks reddened. "I mean, I know she hasn't been to see me and stuff so…" She twisted the ring around her finger. She had thought about taking it off but couldn't bring herself to do it. "It's been two weeks."

"I know," Fin answered. The kindness in her voice told Amanda more than he knew. "She's working. Doesn't talk much to anyone. Keeps to herself. Captain asked us to keep an eye on her but she comes in before we do and doesn't leave until everyone's gone home." He sighed. "I tried to talk to her but she wanted me to back off." He paused. "It's been a long time since I've last seen her like this. I mean not since…"

"Since when?" Amanda asked.

"A few years ago something happened to Liv on the job," Fin said. Amanda remembered Olivia telling one of their victims she had been assaulted. She didn't ask questions, thinking that Olivia would open up when she felt the time was right. That time never came. Olivia never spoke about what happened. "It damaged her and she went into counselling for a while. She wanted us all to believe that she was allright but she wasn't. She suffered from PTSD."

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Liv?" Amanda asked and Fin nodded.

"She recovered but right now she looks like she did back then. That glazed look in her eyes is back," Fin admitted. "Not even Cabot can talk to her and she used to be able to get Liv to open up." He shook his head.

"I get it," Amanda answered softly. "She isn't ready."

Fin didn't know what to say and he followed Amanda as she walked out of the room that had been her home for two weeks. The flowers had withered and the nurses had thrown them away. The balloons that Amaro had tied to her bed had deflated. The only thing she took home with her were all the Get Well cards that had accumulated over the weeks. She'd put them in a box at home somewhere and forget about them. It wasn't like she would ever want to look at them again.

She and Fin reached the elevator and she pressed the down button. They waited for the doors to open and when they stepped inside she cast him a sideways glance. For the first time she felt confident that she was going to be allright. Her injuries had been life threatening at first but she had fought through. The doctors were positive that in another few weeks' time she would make a full recovery. In a couple of months she would be running down the street again carrying a gun and wearing a bullet proof vest.

The doors slowly closed and Amanda smiled at her own reflection in the small mirror. "Time to start over."

~()~

It was late. The clock in the coffee corner pointed at almost eleven o'clock. The SVU squad room was dark apart from the light on her desk. Olivia rested her face in her hands. She was tired and her eyes were sore from reading. She'd been going through her case files for hours on end and the words had started to blur into one. She was on her fifteenth cup of coffee but still she couldn't beat the tiredness. She was the last person left here for the night. Cragen had gone home two hours ago but not before he turned around in the squad room doorway and watched her for a minute or two.

"Switch the lights off when you leave, Olivia," he said quietly and she had flashed him a smile.

"I will," she had answered him. She wasn't sere when she was going to go home, if at all. She'd slept in the cribs a couple of nights in the last week and showered in the gym upstairs. She kept a clean set of clothes in her locker and to most of her co-workers it looked like she had actually been home. Truth was that Olivia hadn't seen the inside of her apartment for the last two days. She wasn't sure whether she would tonight.

The sound of heels clicking on the lino roused her from her thoughts and she looked up to find Alex walking towards her desk. The yellow light illuminated the blonde ADA's face. The worry in her blue eyes was obvious and when she reached Olivia she folded her arms across her chest. "I thought I'd find you here."

"I was about to head out," Olivia lied. She didn't know why she even tried. Alex could see through her unlike anybody else she had ever known.

"I heard they released Amanda from the hospital today," Alex said and perched herself on the corner of Olivia's desk.

"I know."

"Then why the hell are you still here?" Alex's voice was sharper than Olivia was used to. "Why aren't you there with her?"

Olivia's dark eyes snapped up. Though her words had sounded harsh, Alex's features were soft and she studied the older woman with concern. Olivia heaved a sigh and pushed her paperwork away from her. "Because I don't want to be."

"You don't want to be?" Alex interjected and frowned. Behind her black rimmed glasses her blue eyes searched the older woman's face. "What kind of a friend are you, Olivia?"

Tired brown eyes reflected the hurt she felt inside. "The kind that doesn't want to be in love with her."

Alex cocked her head. "But you are."

"But I am."

"She has spent the last two weeks wondering why you didn't come back," Alex said. What she didn't tell Olivia was that she had spoken to Fin Tutuola earlier that evening. He had called her after driving Amanda home from the hospital. She had been surprised to hear his voice on the other side of the line, even more so when he said that he was outside her office and he needed to speak to her. They'd met in the bar around the corner and he told her everything. "Don't you think you owe her an explanation?"

"And tell her what?" Olivia objected. "I'm sorry I fell in love with you and I'm sorry you got shot?" She shook her head. "This is what happens when I fall in love with people." Her brown eyes found Alex's blue and she shrugged. "You should know. You ended up with a bullet inside you too. I felt your heart stop under my hands."

"I survived, Olivia," Alex said softly. "And Amanda did too."

"She wouldn't have been there in the first place if it hadn't been for me." Olivia rubbed her eyes. She had been thinking about nothing else but Amanda since she walked out of the hospital two weeks ago. She knew she should have gone back. She knew she should never have left but she couldn't cope with the feeling of guilt. The more time passed, the harder it became to go back there. She knew she had lost the right to take Amanda's hand into her own. It wasn't her place anymore. She had lost the one thing that had meant the most to her all over again.

"You need to think about what it is you want, Olivia," Alex suddenly said. "Amanda spent the last two weeks in a hospital bed recovering from a bullet that could have killed her. You sit here and you tell me that you're in love with her but you don't want to go see her. What are you scared off? What has you so frightened that you can't face her?"

Olivia swallowed hard. The tears in her eyes were burning. "I can't face losing her."

"Then don't," Alex whispered and leant in. She put a hand on Olivia's arm. "By sitting here you're pushing her away."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Do you think I should go see her?"

Alex nodded. "I think you should." She picked the detective's coat up from the back of her chair. "Want me to drive you?"

"Ok," Olivia sighed and pushed her chair away from her desk. Her heart felt heavy as she stood uo and took her coat from Alex's hands. She switched off her lamp and the squad room was now only illuminated by the weak silver moonlight falling through the window. Olivia's eyes were drawn to Amanda's desk. It was covered in flowers. Not a day went by that someone didn't walk into the squad room and ask how she was doing. NYPD was one big family.

"Ready?" Alex asked as she searched for her car keys in the pocket of her trench coat.

"No," Olivia answered. "But I'm going to have to do it anyway."

~()~

By the time Alex dropped her off outside Amanda's apartment building it was nearly midnight. The heavens had opened and the rain was pouring down. She stood out on the sidewalk for a little while and the rain soaked her through. Olivia glanced up at the building and saw a weak light burning behind the window she knew belonged to Amanda's apartment. Her heart pounded in her chest and the back of her throat became almost painfully dry. She walked up the few steps that led to the main door, pushed against it and started up the two flights of stairs. The corridor was brightly lit and there were three doors on either side. She walked to the last door on the right and took a deep breath before knocking.

She didn't hear anything and knocked again. "Amanda, it's Liv. Please, open the door!"

She knocked again, more persistently this time. The door opened after a couple of minutes. She heard the chain move before a lock was being turned. The door swung open and revealed Amanda, dressed in grey sweats and a white tank top. Her blonde hair fell down her shoulders and she was clutching a cup of coffee. Now that Olivia saw those baby blue eyes she felt her pulse quicken. She knew this was where she was supposed to be, where she had to be tonight.

"Olivia." Amanda barely breathed her name. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you," Olivia said and brushed a strand of wet hair out of her eyes. She didn't even notice the fact she was wet and cold. "I understand if you don't want to listen but please, I'm just asking that you try."

Amanda's blue eyes darkened, the hurt written across her face. "Why? What if I don't want you to be here?"

"Ok. I can take a hit. I deserved that."

"You deserve a hell of a lot worse than that, Liv!" Amanda snapped. "What gives you the right to show up here in the middle of the night, soaking wet, asking for me to listen to what you have to say?"

"I know and I'm sorry, Amanda." Olivia's brown eyes desperately searched and finally found Amanda's blue. She could see how fragile she was. She was hit by the realisation that she was the reason for all that hurt and in her chest her heart began to crumble. It wasn't until she looked past the blonde that she noticed the two large bags standing not far from the door. "You going somewhere?"

"My mom kept saying that she wants me to go back to Atlanta with her," Amanda admitted. Nancy had talked about nothing else on the way home from the hospital and it wasn't until she walked into her empty apartment that she realised that her mother was right. She wasn't going to feel better sitting here all by herself, day in and day out. She swallowed her tears when she looked back up to meet Olivia's eyes. "Maybe it's best if I leave New York for a while."

"No," Olivia whispered. That horrible fear of losing settled in her chest once again. She started to panic. She couldn't bear the thought of losing Amanda. She couldn't face her leaving. "No, you can't leave."

Amanda took a shallow breath. "I don't think this is about you anymore, Olivia."

"You're right. It isn't. It's about us."

"Us? I didn't think there was an 'us' anymore," Amanda countered. The anger she had kept so well hidden over the past two weeks started to boil to the surface. Her fingers clutched the wood of her front door. "You spent days sitting at my bedside only to leave when I'm about to wake up. I kiss you in a bar and you push me away. You tell me you can't be with me." Tears glistened in her eyes. "It's been two weeks, Liv. Two weeks of sheer hell! Everyone else has been to see me and I kept hoping I'd see you but you never came. Every time someone knocked on my door I hoped it was you!"

Olivia knew that she deserved Amanda's anger. She had hurt her all over again by not coming back. She had hurt her when she pushed her away that night in Malone's and she was hurting her just being here. All the pain she was in Amanda's eyes was her fault. "I know what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have left you." Her gaze dropped to Amanda's hand and she swallowed when she saw the golden ring right where she had left it. "I haven't given up hope."

"What is it you want?" Amanda wanted to know. "You can't expect me to just know how you feel."

"I needed to learn that it's time to move on. Things have changed. I have changed. I'm not the same woman I was ten years ago or even last year," Olivia said softly. "Years ago I lived for this job, for the justice we bring to the victims every single day but as time went on I realised I had missed out on so much. I'm tired, Amanda. I am tired of trying to keep going when I know it's time to stand still."

Amanda looked at Olivia and for the first time since all of this she could see the raw and pure honesty in her eyes. The mask Olivia had perfected over the years finally fell and revealed the woman underneath.

"I never married. I never had children. I tried to adopt but everything fell through. I was in love once and I lost her too. I wanted to fill that emptiness in my life and I kept trying but it never changed. I still come home to an empty apartment every night and I… I don't want that anymore." She took a step towards Amanda. The wetness of her clothes started to seep into her bones. Her hands were shaking and her lips trembled. "I don't want to keep thinking about what I could have had."

"Then what do you want?" Amanda whispered. Subconsciously she had moved closer to Olivia. Seeing how wet and cold she was brought out the protective side in her.

Olivia's eyes pierced into Amanda's blue. "You."

"Why?"

"I don't think I ever loved anyone the way I loved Alex and after I lost her I think I lost the hope that one day I could find that feeling again. I didn't think I wanted to love another person like I loved her. I was too afraid I would lose them too. I couldn't let myself love anyone else again." Olivia's hand cupped Amanda's cheek. "And then you came along."

"You just walked right in, through all my defences. You knocked down all my walls and you didn't even try. I didn't see it coming and it scared me. I felt as vulnerable as I did back then. All the pain suddenly came back. I wanted you to come closer but at the same time I pushed you away. I'm afraid, Amanda. I'm afraid that I'll lose you and that I will just end up alone again."

"I'm right here," Amanda whispered and brushed her cheek against Olivia's hand. "I have always been right here."

"I know that now," Olivia said softly as she leant in. Her lips were maybe a couple of inches away from Amanda's. "I had to almost lose you to realise that the joy of loving you is so much greater than the fear of losing you. I was the one who wasn't there when you needed me. But I am here now." Hopeful brown eyes found blue. "If you want me to."

Amanda closed the distance between them and hesitant lips found each other. The kiss was soft and tender and didn't last long. She could taste the rain on Olivia's lips and when she reopened her eyes Amanda found Olivia looking at her. She smiled. "So you're saying you'll stay?"

Olivia smiled and her fingers threaded in Amanda's blonde hair. "I'll stay."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note:** Well, this is it. The last chapter for this story. I want to thank you all for reading and leaving all your awesome reviews. It has been lovely to read all your comments and thoughts. Like I said, there will be a sequel to this story and it will be titled Heart of Stone. The idea for the story came to me while I was talking online to another SVU fan and it will involve Amanda going undercover whilst she and Olivia are together. The story will be dark and angsty, because there is a side to Amanda's character I really want to explore. Keep your eyes open, the story will be there before you know it! ~Cissy

* * *

**Chapter 16**

_It`s been a long road, but we got here_  
_ It wasn`t easy, but it was true_  
_ We found out through all the bad times_  
_ It all comes down to me and you_  
_~Trisha Yearwood - Love Alone**  
**_

The early morning sunlight filtered through the half open bedroom curtains. Olivia's eyes fluttered open when she felt the warm rays on her face and blinked a few times against the sudden brightness. Then her eyes wandered around the room. It had been dark when she'd walked in here several hours ago but now, in the morning light, she took in Amanda's bedroom. It had been painted in soft earth tones, accented by the wooden floor. A white arm chair stood in the corner, by the window. The closet stood against the opposite wall and one of the doors held a full length mirror. Two wooden bedside tables stood on either side of the bed, both with a beautiful looking lamp. Its foot was silver and the shade was white. The bed sheets were white too.

"Hey," she heard a soft voice say beside her and she slowly turned her head. Amanda's blue eyes had opened and she was looking at Olivia. "Now there's a sight for sore eyes."

Olivia smiled and moved closer to the blonde. The images of the previous night returned to her. She'd arrived here soaking wet and cold and after Amanda had accepted her back inside she couldn't stop shivering. Amanda had found an old Atlanta Falcons football jersey and gave it to Olivia to wear. It had been Amanda who quietly started walking to the bedroom. After having left her wet clothes on the floor, Olivia had followed her. They'd slipped under the duvet together and found their way into each other's arms. That was how they'd fallen asleep.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked softly. There was something surreal about waking up in the same bed as Amanda. The morning sunlight danced across her golden hair and it was as if all the stars from the night before had been put into her eyes. She rolled onto her side so she could look at Amanda's face. "Did you sleep OK?"

"Best sleep I've ever had," Amanda admitted and her hand found Olivia's under the duvet. Her index finger started drawing circles across the back of her hand. The touch was feather light and yet it brought goose bumps to Olivia's skin. A smile tugged at Amanda's lips. "How about you?"

Olivia smiled too. "Same."

She scooted closer to Amanda until she managed to slide her arm underneath her shoulders. Carefully she pulled the blonde towards her and kissed her hair before Amanda rested her head on Olivia's chest. She felt herself relax when Olivia's fingers started running through her hair and she listened to the slow, steady beating of her heart. She ignored the pain in her shoulder and her side as she snaked her arm around Olivia's waist.

"I'm glad you came back," she whispered.

"Me too," Olivia answered. "I never should have left."

Amanda pushed herself up far enough so she could look into Olivia's eyes. "Is this really happening?"

Olivia nodded and closed the distance between them by capturing Amanda's lips with her own. "Yes," she breathed as she rested her forehead against Amanda's. She felt the younger woman's warm breath against her skin. "It is."

"Do we need to tell somebody?" Amanda asked as she lay back down. Olivia's fingers continued to thread her hair and caressed the back of her neck. Amanda's breath hitched when she felt those slender digits dip lower, across her spine. They slid behind her tank top and Olivia's nails unexpectedly grazed across her skin. It started a wildfire in the pit of her stomach and she clenched her fingers across Olivia's stomach, something the brunette noticed immediately.

"Not for a little while," Olivia whispered, her hand still caressing Amanda's back. "I think we can wait until the Captain says you're fit for work."

Amanda didn't answer. She'd found the hem of the football Jersey Olivia was wearing. It reached down to her hips and she felt the bare skin of the older woman's legs. Her fingers ghosted across the tender flesh before softly sliding the smooth fabric up across Olivia's stomach. She encountered the lace of Olivia's underwear and slid up further until her hand came to a rest on Olivia's now exposed stomach. She had felt the brunette suck in her breath but now Olivia's muscles relaxed.

It had been a long time since someone had touched her this delicately. The nights she spent with Casey had never been gentle. They were the kind of nights where they had ripped each other's clothes off, sometimes damaging the items beyond repair. They had been nights of lust and blind passion, a heated desire that needed to be released. There was no tension, no expectation. There were no tentative fingers caressing undiscovered flesh or nerves that settled in a stomach as anticipation mounted.

Olivia took a deep breath before carefully slipping her other arm around Amanda and pulling the blonde on top of her. Amanda's eyes grew wider when she was faced with the brunette underneath her and her pupils dilated.

"Are you allright?" Olivia whispered as she brushed a strand of hair out of Amanda's face. "No pain?"

She was in pain but she wasn't going to let it destroy this moment so Amanda shook her head. "I'm fine." She brought her face closer to Olivia's until she could see every eyelash. Softly she brushed her lips against Olivia's mouth and felt how her heart did an unexpected double flip when the tip of Olivia's tongue darted out, teasing the curve of Amanda's lower lip. She responded quickly and caught Olivia's lips between her own, drawing a soft and appreciative moan from the older detective. Then the rush took over and Amanda hungrily attacked Olivia's mouth. When she felt Olivia's lips part she eagerly met the other woman's tongue with her own.

Olivia's hands slipped from Amanda's hair down across her back and slowly peeled the fabric of her tank top away from her skin. Exploring hands caressed soft warm skin, sliding up higher and higher until she could do nothing else but attempt to try and pull the shirt over Amanda's head. Amanda pushed herself up on her arms, breaking the kiss between them. Questioning blue eyes found dark brown.

"Too soon?" Olivia whispered. She slowly pulled the shirt back across Amanda's skin and just caressed the small of her back. "Maybe I should let you decide."

"I need to know this is what you want," Amanda breathed and kissed Olivia's lips. "That this is what you really want because by God, Liv, I know this is what I want."

"I wanted it that night in Malone's and I want it know," Olivia confessed. Her eyes were a few shades darker than normal, reflecting all the emotions she felt inside. "But I don't want to push you into anything." Her gaze was drawn to the large bruised area on Amanda's left shoulder. The tank top hid the actual entry wound but the bruise extended across her pale skin. "I don't want to hurt you. If you're not ready then we'll wait."

Amanda didn't get a chance to answer. The sound of someone knocking on her door echoed around the apartment and her eyes snapped to the alarm clock beside the bed. It was just after nine thirty and she groaned. "Shit. That'll be my mother."

Olivia smiled as the sudden absurdity hit her. "I never thought that this would happen. Have someone's mother walk in on me."

Amanda smirked as she slipped out of the bed and readjusted her top. "Just be glad she ain't got a key."

She padded across her apartment, cursing her mother under her breath, and eventually opened the door. By then her mother had knocked two more times and even impatiently called her name. Amanda removed the chain and turned the doorknob. She opened the door and revealed her mother standing outside. She carried a tray with two Starbucks coffees and a bag she assumed was breakfast. Sheepishly Amanda rubbed the back of her head. She had no idea how she was going to explain herself.

"I was beginning to worry," Nancy said as she stepped into the apartment without waiting for her daughter's invitation. She turned to give Amanda the once over. "Are you allright, Amanda?"

"I'm fine," Amanda reassured her. "You just… err… you just caught me by surprise, that's all."

Nancy frowned. "I did say I'd come to check on you."

"Yeah." Amanda pulled a face. "I kinda forgot."

"Did you sleep allright? Are you sure you don't want me to set you up an extra room in the hotel?" Nancy fired her questions at her daughter as she walked into the small kitchen and opened the fridge. It was empty apart from a bottle of orange juice and two Chinese take away boxes. Nancy turned back around in horror. "My God, Amanda! How long has this Chinese takeaway been in there?"

"I'm surprised it hasn't walked off yet," Amanda replied and glanced over her shoulder at the bedroom. She was sure she just heard Olivia get out of bed. Her eye then fell on the pile of wet clothes in the living room and the scarlet colour crept onto her cheeks. "I haven't had time to go to the market around the corner, allright?"

Olivia chose that moment to walk out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Dressed in the football jersey and with her brown hair falling freely down her shoulders she looked like she had been sent right down from Heaven. Amanda couldn't help but let her eyes trail up from the detective' bare feet, along her calves and up to her thighs before lingering a little too long on the voluptuous chest. She eventually found Olivia's eyes and the brunette detective grinned at Amanda's obvious embarrassment.

"I guess I won't be getting breakfast," Olivia joked as she glanced at the still open fridge.

Nancy spun around at the sound of the other woman's voice and her blue eyes widened in surprise. She glanced from her daughter to Olivia and back and Amanda could see the wheels spinning in her head as she began to fit the pieces together. "Oh." Nancy's gaze held Olivia's. If she felt any kind of resentment towards her for leaving Amanda in the hospital she didn't show it. "Olivia."

Olivia flashed a smile. "Hi, Nancy."

Nancy glanced at the coffee she had brought with her before looking back at Amanda, who had now walked over to Olivia. A smile graced the blonde woman's lips as she watched how Olivia's hand tenderly trailed down Amanda's arm. "I suppose I had better go and get some more coffee."

"Or we could go out for breakfast," Olivia suggested and Amanda's head whipped around.

"And exactly what do you plan to wear?" Amanda asked and pointed at the wet clothes on the floor.

Olivia frowned. "Oh."

"Amanda, does this building have a laundry room?" Nancy asked and her daughter looked up. She hadn't expected her mother to jump at the idea of going out for breakfast and for a moment she wondered how well the two had bonded over the two days Olivia had spent at her bedside. "Olivia could wash and dry her clothes in an hour or so. Gives you time to take a shower."

"In the basement," Amanda answered and watched as her mother began picking up Olivia's clothes. She shared a confused look with the brunette detective who just shrugged. "Not sure if anybody else's washing's in there right now, though. Key's hanging up by the door."

"I won't be long," Nancy said and grabbed the small silver key from the hook by the door before she left. After the door closed, Amanda turned to look at Olivia.

"What the hell was that?"

Olivia grinned. "A woman who was trying to give her daughter and her new girlfriend some privacy."

"Girlfriend, eh?" Amanda asked and arched an eyebrow in amusement.

"Yeah," Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist, pulling her closer. Feeling the smaller woman's body against her own set her skin on fire. Her dark eyes found Amanda's blue and she let her fingers trail up along Amanda's arm. "What else would you call me?"

Amanda's lips curled up into a naughty smile. "I can think of a couple of things, actually."

"Do you now?" Olivia teased. "Maybe I'll let you show me one of the days."

Amanda's blue eyes reflected a desire unlike any other Olivia had ever seen. "Maybe I will."

~()~

An hour and a half later they were sitting in a small restaurant a block away from Amanda's apartment. They had walked there, as Amanda had insisted. It was a crisp November morning and the cold wind pulled their hair. The roads were wet and shiny from the rain but for the first time in days the skies were clear and blue. Amanda's hand had linked with Olivia's in a natural kind of way as they walked and now they sat side by side at the small table in the back of the restaurant, a cup of coffee in front of them. Nancy's eyes rested on the couple without them even noticing. The happiness she had longed to see in her daughter's eyes had finally returned.

"I guess you won't be coming back to Atlanta," Nancy said after the waitress brought them their breakfast and Amanda attacked her bacon and eggs like she hadn't eaten for three days.

"You know," Olivia said as she put down her fork and found Amanda's hand under the table. "I've never been to Atlanta and the Captain keeps telling me I should take a vacation."

"You wanna come to Atlanta?" Amanda asked in surprise.

Olivia smiled. "You've seen where I come from. Don't you think I should see where you come from?"

Amanda seemed hesitant for a moment but then she smiled. "Ok." She looked back at Nancy. "How quick can you get those tickets?"

They finished their breakfast off and sat in the restaurant for another half an hour or so before going back to Amanda's apartment. Nancy took a cab and promised she'd call them later that night to tell them if she'd managed to get tickets for the flight to Atlanta. Olivia and Amanda made their way back to Amanda's apartment and the blonde closed the door behind them before sliding the chain back in place. Olivia was leaning against the kitchen counter and watched with interest how Amanda slowly walked towards her. She was wearing tight fitting jeans and a simple black sweater but to Olivia she looked amazing.

"So, Atlanta, eh?" Amanda whispered as she snaked her arms around Olivia's waist and placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

Olivia cocked her head. "Yeah, I'd like to know more about you."

"Do you?" Amanda breathed as she unexpectedly let a single finger slide behind the waistband of Olivia's pants. With her other hand she took the detective's hand and stared leading her towards the bedroom. A smile graced her lips.

"Well then, Detective Benson, that can be arranged."


End file.
